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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

302 replies

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 07:23

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 23/01/2025 10:40

Completely ignore her. Pick a date that suits you and just let her off the hook. She must be grieving and in total shock to be acting in such a way.

I would let her off the hook and just book what suits you and your children. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds really hard.

MellowCritic · 23/01/2025 10:42

Agix · 23/01/2025 07:28

You live in an entirely different world to many people if you think you can just "cancel work". Not everyone can do this. I don't know your SILs situation with this.

I'd vote book the funeral when everyone important to your husband can attend - but if you're the one making arrangements and you've decided it suits you more to arrange it at a time his sister can't come, then theres nothing stopping you.

I think you're being massively over the top here. Actually yes most ppl can cancel work to attend their brothers funeral. Like if you became seriously unwell and had to go hospital or someone's on their death bed.. the point I'm making is this isn't a dentist appointment that works getting cancelled for its a serious event and the date isn't in sils control or in anyone's control the way that other timed appointments might be..its a funeral and alot of ppl to organise and arrange.

Alondra · 23/01/2025 10:53

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 09:38

She's not a horrible person at all; she's lovely and is also in deep shock.
She has very valid reasons for not being keen on me and has been great up until this.
She had previously intimated that there were some dates that might be difficult, so I politely asked for details - I was expecting maybe 2 or 3 max with the proviso that she could make any date if necessary.
Instead I got a list of 10 dates in the next 3 weeks.
I was really taken aback. I will do my best to accommodate her and very much want her there.

Is she on drugs? FFS

She may be lovely but she's not thinking of you and your children at all. The funeral for your DH has already been delayed because of issues with the death certificate, and she wants to delay it 3 weeks to a date suitable to her?

Seriously and again, WFT? When and how a funeral takes place is up to the intimate family - spouse and children if they are adults. The rest of the family and friends take a day off, have annual leave, play sick or can't attend if truly unable to do so.

Please, organise your DH funeral, leaving the decision to attend or not up to her.

SheWasPureSound · 23/01/2025 10:56

Kindly, she’s lost someone too. If she’s not keen on you (and has reason to be??!) then I think she’s probably grieving weirdly. She might be upset you’re organising it and not her.

MrsAga · 23/01/2025 10:57

So sorry for your loss.

Have you met with the funeral director yet?
They are wonderful & take all the pressure off you. It’s unlikely there’ll be many dates available within the next 3 weeks anyway.

You could message SIL & say you are meeting with funeral director at X time & you’ll avoid her dates if possible, but are any of them less important than others if it’s not possible to avoid them.

Or you could wait until the meeting then message her saying “these are the only dates available, which one would be less difficult for you”
Or Ask the funeral director to ring her & only give her the options that you are happy with.

I think as his sister, she’ll appreciate being consulted & considered even if she doesn’t get her perfect date. If she knows you’ve tried, she has less right to be upset. If she’s never had any involvement in organising a funeral, she won’t know that you can’t just specify a date you want. (It may be that she’s just a difficult person, but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt unless op states otherwise)

CautiousLurker01 · 23/01/2025 10:59

I think the issue here is that when OP asked if there was any date she should avoid, she was probably expecting one or two, maybe a date when she has a long await appointment with the NHS that will be difficult to reschedule or a child’s music/dance exam. I don’t think she was expecting a huge list of dates it might just be a bit inconvenient for her to miss work.

Heronwatcher · 23/01/2025 11:00

reallyfuckedoff · 23/01/2025 09:38

She's not a horrible person at all; she's lovely and is also in deep shock.
She has very valid reasons for not being keen on me and has been great up until this.
She had previously intimated that there were some dates that might be difficult, so I politely asked for details - I was expecting maybe 2 or 3 max with the proviso that she could make any date if necessary.
Instead I got a list of 10 dates in the next 3 weeks.
I was really taken aback. I will do my best to accommodate her and very much want her there.

I think you’ve got it right here, do your best but if it’s impossible pick a date and explain to her that it was impossible to accommodate all of her dates, or just go back to her with 2/3 slots from the funeral director/ crematorium and say “we’re going to have to go with one of these- which is the least bad for you?”.

usernamealreadytaken · 23/01/2025 11:03

So very sorry for your loss x

Maddy70 · 23/01/2025 11:05

Firstly I'm so sorry. It must be utterly devastating for you

But.. she's been perfectly reasonable asking you to avoid certain dates. You have a choice on dates she's just asking you to consider what's more convenient for her. I know my job, teacher It would be very difficult to take time off around exam dates for example.

I totally understand you want this as soon as possible
Can't you go for the first available date that suits her as well as you?

Preciousmoments18 · 23/01/2025 11:10

TeenToTwenties · 23/01/2025 07:29

I think it depends a bit on her job.
If she is a surgeon in the NHS (whete a liad of operations will have to be cancelled) I'd have more sympathy than for most other jobs.

This

Commonsense22 · 23/01/2025 11:15

If SIL has a really sensitive job (like MI5 or surgeon) then the r9ght thing to do is for her to say "I'll do my very best to be there but some work commitments can't be moved unfortunately ". She is being awful to request you to chose dates around her.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

smellydog1 · 23/01/2025 11:19

Any employer would allow time off if you are attending the funeral of our brother. what on earth is her job? I would tell her that you will try your best but unfortunately it may not work out for her. Really you have enough to deal with, she is being unreasonable.

gmgnts · 23/01/2025 11:20

I remember when my father died my mother received a condolence letter from his sister, i.e. her SIL. She tossed it to me, saying, "I've just had a horrible letter from your Auntie A." When I read the letter it was warm and kind and sympathetic; there was nothing to object to in it. But my mother was so full of anger and bitterness at Dad's death that she couldn't take in information or think clearly. In the kindest way, OP, perhaps the problem is not your SIL's answer about her availability for the funeral, but your overwhelming grief that has directed itself as anger towards her. I'm so sorry for your loss - this is a very difficult time for you, and you have so many things to do. Flowers

Strictlymad · 23/01/2025 11:21

ThejoyofNC · 23/01/2025 07:30

There is no excuse, doesn't matter what her job is. I'd book the first available date and if she thinks she has somewhere more important to be then that's up to her.

This

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/01/2025 11:27

Family events or your siblings funeral?

Not a funeral but I’ve missed a family wedding, attending the evening because I just couldn’t rearrange a long standing training commitment at 6 weeks notice. If it was a funeral I’d move heaven and earth to attend, but I understand how difficult that can be when it’s your own business and you don’t have a colleague who can step in to cover for you.

stillljh · 23/01/2025 11:30

Talk to the undertaker and perhaps there is a date available which she is able to do.
If there isn't I wouldn't be delaying the funeral any longer because of that. Just take the earliest date you can.
Once you have a date just message her and explain that the undertaker/crematorium/cemetery only had a very limited number of slots available and unfortunately you've had to take one on date X.
I'm self-employed and I've had to take days off to attend funerals. It can't be helped.

outerspacepotato · 23/01/2025 11:32

My sympathies to you and your family.

Since they were close, I would look at the nearest time she has available and try to accommodate.

But I would remember this. It sounds like she could take the time off but doesn't want to and she's not thinking of how you and yours are feeling here. Getting the funeral over in a timely manner is a huge deal and I don't think she gets that.

That period between death and the funeral was really the worst on both me and my kids and some people just got weird about what they wanted.

Mirabai · 23/01/2025 11:34

What can be “very valid reasons” for her not being keen in you? Is that related to the list of dates?

Psychologymam · 23/01/2025 11:47

this is so bizarre - what a insensitive request to make. Just have the funeral when you want and she can decide if she wants to prioritise it or not. Regardless of job (and I know all about jobs where taking time is incredibly hard), there’s a solution for a sibling funeral. If she dropped death tomorrow, her work would find someone to cover her. I’m sorry for your loss.

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 11:50

Mirabai · 23/01/2025 11:34

What can be “very valid reasons” for her not being keen in you? Is that related to the list of dates?

Edited

I don't think the past matters.
The important thing is these two women who are both grieving are able to support each other and in turn support the children. Especially when there are no DGP on the Dads side.

Ops going to need lots of support in the future. Whether it's babysitting, dropping kids off a different places at the same time.

barofsoap · 23/01/2025 11:51

TeenToTwenties · 23/01/2025 07:29

I think it depends a bit on her job.
If she is a surgeon in the NHS (whete a liad of operations will have to be cancelled) I'd have more sympathy than for most other jobs.

even then... actually the surgeon in this house did postpone a list in order to attend a funeral of a close relative (we had zero control over the date) - the list was done a couple of weeks later during booked holiday

Needspaceforlego · 23/01/2025 11:52

Psychologymam · 23/01/2025 11:47

this is so bizarre - what a insensitive request to make. Just have the funeral when you want and she can decide if she wants to prioritise it or not. Regardless of job (and I know all about jobs where taking time is incredibly hard), there’s a solution for a sibling funeral. If she dropped death tomorrow, her work would find someone to cover her. I’m sorry for your loss.

What a daft response.

It's her own business.if she dropped dead she wouldn't need to worry about not upsetting clients or getting future business

Twaddlepip · 23/01/2025 11:55

She has very valid reasons for not being keen on me and has been great up until this

What do you mean by this OP?

Auldlang · 23/01/2025 11:56

So they run a training business with no other staff…..talk about drip feed!! The chances are they’ve got training sessions booked in for clients that they don’t want to cancel because it could loose them clients and won’t be that easy to rearrange. I think you’re being a bit insensitive tbh, and yes I might still be bitter because my mum once asked me about dates for my Gandalf’s funeral and then chose the one I said I couldn’t do due to work (also travel to clients), yet still slags me off for not going!

@MiddleAgedDread

It isn't about you, and are you really putting in the boot to OP, who has just lost her husband and the father of her children, over a "drip feed?" And calling her insensitive?
Some posts on this thread have an inappropriate tone to OP at this time and yours is one of them. I think it's really a bit shitty of you.

10 dates in 3 weeks is just too much for the SIL to be putting out of consideration. It's not fair on OP or her kids. It is insensitive.

LlynTegid · 23/01/2025 12:23

Sorry for your loss.

If one of your SILs customers objects because a date had to be moved to attend a relative's funeral, no self respecting person would ever do business with them again. And would make it clear why and make sure as many people as possible knew about their lack of compassion.