AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

For an immediate relative like a sibling I find that hard to believe that she can't take a half day at the least. Any decent employer would approve it.

Presumably there's some back story as to the state of the sibling's relationship.

I think she's being a bit selfish. You need to do what's right for your Kids.

I can't think of many jobs where she couldn't get time off for her brothers funeral but we don't know the full story she's maybe already used up her compassionate leave or be at risk of redundancy.
Or maybe there's travel involved that means it's a few days not just a day off.

Take the dates to the undertaker and see what you can manage. I'm assuming it's not weeks and weeks she can't make it.

Whilst I can understand your irritation I think it does somewhat depend on what her job is. If she is self employed and has asked you to avoid a couple of specific dates due to long standing jobs which she has agreed to and would leave her client in a sticky situation if she gave back word then I think I would be more accommoding than if she works in an office or a shop.

This. Pick the soonest date she can do and stick with it.

Sorry for your loss, and that your stress is being unnecessary added to by SIL.

I'm a firm believer that noone is indispensable, but... some jobs are easier to have a day away from than others. Sometimes, someone having an unexpected day 'off' (be it for sickness/accident/compassionate reasons) does inconvenience a large number of other people. The 'thing' SIL has to do at work may still be able to happen, but the behind the scenes implications may be big.

Yours and your DCs' needs come first here, for sure. And you arrange the funeral to suit you. BUT, if it's a choice between 2 days in the same week where one works for SIL and one doesn't, then I'd chose the one that works for her. If it's a question of delaying by more than a few days to suit her, then I'd just say no. I'd maybe say 'it's going to be Monday or Thursday in w/c xxxx- which of these is easier for you?' but I wouldn't significantly delay it.

Sorry for your loss OP

As other people have said, it does depend on her job. Have you tried booking the funeral yet? If not, maybe see if you can easily get an early date that she can make, because if you can there’s no problem and you don’t need to think about it any more. It’s only if you can’t that there’s a problem, and I do believe in the saying of cross that bridge when you come to it. It might be that this doesn’t have to be an issue at all.

No, we all live in the real world where in almost any job, you can take a day off for something as important as your own brother's funeral.

You're just not as important as you think you are.

Thanks for all your helpful opinions and suggestions.
DH and his sister were very close, especially since their parents died a few years ago. There's only the 2 of them.
SIL and her DH run their own small business - it's just the two of them and she works from home. He does travel quite a bit, but there's no boss telling either of them what they can/can't do.
It's not a vital industry - he does training about presenting I think.

What's her job?

Makes a big difference to whether she is unreasonable.

I think she is not unreasonable to ask if it is within a few days of your possible dates. If it would delay it significantly then you would not be unreasonable to say no.

Crossed posts with you OP.

She is seemingly UR. However how much difference is it between her nearest date, and the soonest it can be done? She may have a big business deal dependent on the dates she's busy. I'm trying to be sympathetic to her, perhaps she isn't a nice person.

Sorry for your loss.

SIL is being unreasonable.

However, I don’t want anyone at my funeral and I want a direct cremation. I don’t feel funerals are necessary so I do not attend funerals myself.

Do what is best for you and your children. If one of the dates your SIL has given you is available (and also suits you and your children) book it if not book a day which will be best for you.

If his travel is already booked it might not be easy or cheap to change.
I'd try to accommodate her, assuming at most you'd be delaying by a day or two not weeks.

I think it's ok to ask (but a little cold) if it's a handful of spread out days I would try to accommodate. If it's basically don't do anything in the next month then I would book what feels right for you. Sorry for your loss

It is very insensitive. However I would try to make it work ie if there is a date she cant manage ask for an alternative, if the alternative delays funeral by more than 2 days i would go with the date given.

Your SIL is being unreadable. The kids are the priority and you need to arrange that the time that suits you best.

Pretty sure most people do live in a world where they can take a day off for a funeral but anyway I'm pretty sure if I was in a job where I couldn't I would tell my sister in law that her first priority is to my brothers children and their need to try and find some closure and to start healing and to please book the funeral for when it is best for them, I wouldn't be giving a list of dates to her and making her life harder just because I have to work.
I would be gutted of course because it's my brother but I would also accept that I chose a job where I couldn't take time off so I would have to suck it up.

People on these threads always say "well if he's a surgeon" or similar, but the reality is that the minimum wage jobs are far more likely to have a manager who is awkward about taking leave and far more likely to suffer hardship if they lose their job.

Op, I have helped organise a number of funerals and it's common for people to say "can't do Thursdays because of brother's work, not on the 18-24 because of sister's holiday, Uncle Jim can only make 5-9 or 26th..." Etc

Though TBF it may depend on your relationship in the past. If dh's sister said that, I'd probably go with it because they're normally obliging and trying to be helpful. If his bro said that I'd be far more tempted to roll my eyes and ignore it because they like to make any event about themselves.

Is it that her husband wants to come as well and they’d have to cancel clients on other days? I have a bit more sympathy with that to be honest. They could lose business. It’s a very different situation when you’re running your own business. I’d try to book a date they can make.

Have they just got a contract from a big organisation/bank etc? It could be a make or break situation. If she has enough dates left for not too big a delay, then I'd try to accommodate her. In grief it's easy to get caught up in reacting to small things and wanting to direct anger on to whatever we can.

I am really sorry for your loss.

You mention it's a long list of dates. Is it asking you don't consider entire weeks or just a number of dates and times? It's hard to say how unreasonable she is without knowing more about her work and the dates. Jobs where a team of people work together and everyone's presence is required often plan their holidays far in advance to keep the team together do a last minute day off can have big impacts. NHS staff, dentists, court based legal teams etc. she might be taking a business trip with others that rearranging will be difficult. Was she apologetic about asking or did she just expect you to comply?

You might find that the earliest date the funeral director could offer you is on one of the times she has requested but the next day is also available so the impact is minimal.

YANBU. I'm struggling to think of jobs that can't be rearranged around a sibling's funeral.

Where I'm from funerals are arranged at two days notice and the only delays are for closer family to fly in long haul. I've never known someone miss one for work.

Pick the date that suits you and your children.

If travel is involved it might not be just a day off. It could easily be 3 days, 2 days travel and a day for funeral.

Assuming it's a few odd days she's asked to avoid and not weeks try to accommodate. No point in causing ill feelings when you are going to need support going forward

Mmhmm. Apparently a whole different world 🙄

Sorry for your loss.
She's reasonable to ask, you're reasonable to book a date that suits you.
Were they close? I'm not overly close to my sibling and may or may not attend their funeral (should it be before mine, obviously).