AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

Crossed with your post. This reads as if you did ask her. In which case, she has answered a question.

Same principle applies. Pick the date that works best for you, based on crematorium/church availability. Let her know that you are aware it wasn't a preferred choice for her, but you hope she will make it. Her list of dates may not be hard ones, rather just preferences.

Try not to let your justifiable upset and pain about losing your husband turn into less justifiable anger with her. She has also lost a sibling.

How many dates has she said she can't do op?

I mean you can’t really blame her when you asked.
I presumed from your OP that she just gave you a list out of nowhere!
Either way you and your DC are the immediate family, pick the date that works for you.

You asked, she answered so don’t let grief blow it out of proportion in your head. If you you cant accommodate her then no big deal but no need to turn it into a big test about how much she cared for her brother.

Talk to the funeral director first.

Dont prejudge until you know if her dates will actually cause a problem.

If she's blocked out weeks at a time and this would delay the funeral then I'd go back to her to say she needs to priortise her list.
I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss - I don't know what it's like in your area but we had to wait nearly 4 weeks for the first available date. I found the waiting for the funeral absolutely horrendous as did my children. We delayed for 2 days as it was my son's birthday on the original date offered but I wouldn't have delayed for work reasons. Can you ask your SIL to attend the funeral directors with you - they gave us a list of dates? If not I would book it for when is best for you and your children.

I'm a surgeon in the NHS. I'd take the day off for my sister's funeral. Some things are more important. (I would make sure I rescheduled anyone booked in the list with colleagues or by looking for an extra lists asap before there's a pile on)

I wouldn't want someone operating on me who was distracted by missing their siblings funeral tbh

I don’t think she’s unreasonable to ask, but you should only accommodate her dates if it suits you.

Sorry for your loss. I think it depends what the reasons are. Long awaited hospital appointment - fair enough. Meeting with business client - sure it can be moved.

Shes definitely not reasonable to ask.

Jesus Christ, is this where we are now in the 21st century, we don't need tyrants to treat us badly, we willinginlgly do it to ourselves. What possible training job could be SO important that it can't be moved, postponed for a siblings funeral? Even if it does involve loss of income or God forbid, reputation - though personally I would think worse of a client who missed their own brothers funeral- so what? We all need to work for income, satisfaction, meaning etc but the real stuff of life is our relationships with the people we love and even those we are just connected to. The SIL's attitude is bizarre and extremely hurtful. I would at this point just give her the nearest date that suits you and it's between her and her conscience what she does next.

She’s being unreasonable - we had one option only and I took it. Book it as soon as you can for your DC sake and to stop it hanging over your heads.
I would arrange it so she can attend if possible but not put it back for her work clients.
They can choose to attend or not - if they can’t come then you can record the service.

I think the asking for availability is a red herring. I'd assume someone means when are you in the country or are you having an operation etc, not I have client facing work or a hair appointment that day.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. This period of time before the funeral is horrific. You said your DH and his sister were close - I think for that reason alone she probably isn't being unreasonable. You asked her and she gave you the dates. She is grieving as well and as you are currently experiencing everyone reacts differently under the extreme stress of bereavement. I personally wanted to punch my SIL in the head after we had to delay my FILs funeral for weeks to accommodate her travel plans. She's not a random she's probably the person who has known your DH the longest. It doesn't sound like she is doing this deliberately to make your life difficult.

But if your brother died, you'd still be at the funeral not the training. Just like if you had noro or were knocked down by a bus you wouldn't be there.

There are elements of my job that can't be rearranged. Until real life intervenes and they have to be.

Sorry for your loss it sounds horrific.

that said maybe in her mind@reallyfuckedoff she is putting him and his memory first and for her that is caught up in the business they shared and she doesn’t want to cancel our clients of theirs and risk a reputation

ultimately she has lost her brother too and that is also a significant loss at the same time as losing her business partner and it sounds as if right now her grief is focused on the business they had together which is normal

Sorry fornyour loss. Yabu in that you asked for dates she couldn't do and she did what you asked

Obviously we don't know what your SILs work situation is, but time off for a siblings funeral would absolutely be allowed in the majority of circumstances.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP, and for your DCs to go through losing a parent.

There’s nothing to suggest the sister gave dates of a meeting or a hair appointment.

What are you on about? She works with her DH, she didn't work with OP's DH/ her brother?

As it’s been a while I’m guessing she’s used her leave up and would struggle. I don’t see the issue here. A few more days isn’t going to make any difference.
I’m so sorry for your loss and DCs but having the funeral a few days earlier isn’t going to change anything.
You say she’s been such a good support for you so I’m not sure why you can’t make this a bit easier for her too.
I’m sure if you went back to her and said it would mean pushing it back weeks then she’d understand it has to be a different day but if you can help each other through this just a little bit then do so as you’ll still need her in years to come.

I get it OP, you just want to get it sorted.

After DH died (dd was 14 at the time) we delayed the funeral for DH sister to come back from an overseas holiday. We were in NZ and the sister was in Europe so it was a bit of a treck to return, but I couldnt imagine proceeding with the funeral without his sister.

Unfourtnately its a small business, and that is difficult when reputation is at stake.

OP just do what your kids need. They are more important than anyone else. Tell SIL you understand if she can't be there but her brother's kids need to be the priority having just lost their dad.

I think you may be directing your understandable "anger at the unfairness of the world" at your SIL when she doesn’t really deserve it. Unless it’s really necessary, and it would mean delaying the funeral for a significant time, please give her some consideration and don’t alienate her. She was close to your DH, she has been a support to you and your DC and all of you may need her help and support in the future. For your DC she is a big link to their father.

Your DC are the priority here. Get the first funeral date that works for you. If there's a choice of equally soon funerals and one of them works better for her, do that one.

There are occasions when I can't just cancel work. There is a big difference between working on the tills in Asda vs Police Officer required to attend court etc.

She isn't unreasonable to kindly ask you to avoid certain days unless she's asking you to avoid e.g the whole of February. As long as it's random days here and there surely one day can work for all concerned?