AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your DH. You and your children must be in turmoil

I think the mistake you made was asking her for dates in the first place but you can't take that back now.
Are the dates that she's saying she can make, miles away from what you were hoping for?
As you've said she's self-employed with her own little business, surely she could juggle things and make any date you book?!
I think I might be inclined to ask her if she wants to come with you to arrange the funeral as she was close to him.

I do think that as you asked she's not unreasonable. But I do understand why it's hard to see it like that in the circumstances.

I think you are perhaps equating 'these dates would be more tricky' with 'i don't care enough '.

But it's really not a one or the other situation. I'm sure whatever date it is she'll be there (and if she's not deal with it then). But if you are being given a list of dates then all she's really saying is 'if one of these is an option it would be easier ', which is true and is what you asked.

I have a relative's funeral to be arranged. It will be an 800 mile round trip for me. I have dates coming up where I will already be there within the likely date range. If there's an option to have it on one of those days then it would be much easier and so I have made that known. But if I have to be home for two days and then travel again I will, it just would make sense to avoid it if at all possible but I also understand there are others to consider and other constraints.

You said your SIL has been supportive. I think that's the really important thing here and is what shows you how she really feels. She may be guilty of a bit of insensitivity but it sounds like overall she's been decent. You need people around you and your husband's family will be important to your children in the future so if you can let it go and not attach meaning that wasn't intended then I think it will be easier in the long term. You are all in a state of fog just now and she's probably not making great decisions either.

Sorry for your loss.

And doing all that while thinking of the coming funeral.

Indeed, it’s not that work is more important at all, but avoiding certain dates (which the OP asked about) would ease the stress on her SIL considerably. That understandably isn’t the OPs priority but if I ask someone if there are dates I should try to avoid, I wouldn’t be upset if they said “actually there are some dates that would be tricky”.

Do what you need to for you and your children OP, you don't need to be worrying about anyone else just now.

Just take the first available date and book it. Those who want to be there WILL be there. My FIL´s only brother was the same at FIL´S funeral, much to the shock of his SIL and nephews/niece. Just not interested, other priorities, and they weren´t estranged or anything in life. Prioritise you and your kids, the rest can fit in.

Just pass the dates to the undertaker, telling him what you’ve told us, that for yourself you don’t want a long delay so if there’s a clash that’s fine, but these are the dates you have been given.

You did ask. She didn’t just rock up and tell you when to have the funeral. Just take a deep breath and remember how easy it is to lose people over the anger that comes with bereavement. She’s been great so far - cling to that. I’m so sorry for your loss.

@reallyfuckedoff I have read your posts. I send my condolences. One of my brothers died in November, and my husband in January., so I will speak from experience.

You and I both know how much has to be done in so many ways to arrange a funeral. If a death is unexpected, it takes a while to obtain a death certificate, longer still if there is a post mortem or - please not - an inquest. It means dovetailing availability of undertakers, Crematorium and/or church, celebrant, caterer and somewhere to hold a wake. You can"t just pick a day.

You say your DH and his sister were close, and that she has been very helpful until now. Part of the reaction to the death of a sibling is that one is still alive, and must prove and validate this by being 'good' at things. This I suspect is the case with your sister. She is denying to herself that the death of her brother not only hurts, but also affects her life.

The death of a spouse is so different. It centres you as the person who has to do the arranging and whose life has been brutally changed.

For what it's worth, my advice is to talk to your undertaker (mine is very helpful) about your SIL's list of dates, see if there is any chance of accommodating her. And if there isn't, because this period between death and funeral is so difficult that extending it just drags out the pain, tell her so. Assuming your children are not adult, their needs must be set above hers.
With deepest sympathy.

She is the owner though and used to be with her brother

it sounds as if it was a traumatic shock and everyone is reacting to that and grieving. For the OP it is getting the funeral sorted, helping her children and trying to get some sort of closure on the event.
for the sister she has probably gone all in on the shared business and at the moment the idea of cancelling bookings that she may well have done with her brother isn’t something she wants to do. A decision one suspects driven by grief
all have lost a close family member in awful circumstances and grief is a very difficult beast of an emotion

My elder brother said this when my younger brother and I were (doing all the work for) arranging our mother's funeral. We chose the earliest possible date and he asked for and got the day off, as anybody else has always done.

This.

I would get the two dates most convenient for YOU, then message SIL and say ‘I’ve been going backwards and forwards with the funeral directors for the last few days. In a nutshell, it has to be either the 29th or 3rd. Which suits you and I’ll get back to them. Need to let them know by lunchtime. Give her a few hours to reply then just book it.

Not many would but it sounds like SIL would!

It depends on her work. If she has people dependent on her for life saving surgery, psychiatric care, she's driving a lorry to Ukraine etc is one thing.

My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

I would love to hear exactly what she is doing that is so important that she just ‘can’t’ make it. How pathetic. So so sorry for your loss OP. Organise it for when it suits you and if she doesn’t make an effort to come that’s her problem.

The sister has a business with her own DH, not with OP's DH.

I would love to hear exactly what she is doing that is so important that she just ‘can’t’ make it. How pathetic.

If you had read the OPs posts you’d know her sister runs a training business with her husband. The OP asked if there were dates she should avoid and the SIL gave her a list. She hasn’t said she can’t make it - she answered a question the OP asked - not sure how that makes her pathetic.

OP either your SIL is close enough (by blood or in spirit) to your DH that she will prioritise his funeral or she is distant enough that your DH's own wife and children's needs take priority. She doesn't get it both ways and in either way just arrange the funeral for a time that suits you and your children. Tell her 'The funeral is arranged for X time. This is the only date that works for us' and repeat and refuse to engage with any further discussion. You don't need this bullshit.

It is clear from OP's posts that SIL was close to her brother so there is no need to be unkind. I expect she's been asked, so she took the question at face value and gave dates when her own DH is away, because obviously that would mean replanning effort. It doesn't mean she is refusing to do that she was asked and she answered. It may not just be work despite the assumptions of other posters; medical appointments could need rearranging, coinciding with a date that would be particularly upsetting, or another funeral (many years ago, I sadly had to miss a friend's funeral due to being at another funeral).

I wonder if SIL has ever had to arrange a funeral? If she hasn’t she may assume it’s possible to pick and choose - unfortunately it’s not!
Round here a cremation is approx 6 weeks. It’s far too long, I don’t believe the grieving really starts until after the funeral and it’s cruel to keep people waiting so long. I suspect a church burial may be swifter.

Suit yourself OP - particularly if your children are not adults, they are the most important in all this. Condolences to you all.

You’ve misread the OP’s post. The SIL has a business with her own DH, not her deceased brother.

I think the SIL is also grieving and simply responded to the OP’s question about availability in a practical way. We all say odd things at times and she probably wasn’t trying to be awkward.

I think the OP should go ahead book the best date that works for her and the DC and not get too annoyed with her SIL. Everyone’s hurting at the moment.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your DP, and in unexpected, traumatic circumstances too. So very sorry.

I think she probably misconstrued your ask. You meant “any complete non negotiables” and she heard “tell me when’s best”. It sounds like she loved him and they were close; no-one s going to be on their A game right now. I’d let it go. There’s enough hard stuff as it is.

But seeing as you did ask... I think now it would be reasonable for you to accommodate her wishes as long as that won't delay the funeral a long time.

See what is available. Go from there.

So sorry for your loss.

Funerals are a bastard to arrange and always take longer than you think.

This. You have to say this is the date and she can come or not come. It’s inconceivable that an employer would refuse time off for a sibling’s funeral.

Im sorry for your loss.
I have been involved in several funerals including my husband’s and parents. One was a long time ago and I just booked the first available date. More recently we did ask the wider family their availability. We did wait for a convenient date when the most important people were free. People vary between a hard line and others feel aggrieved that flexibility is being offered. Funeral directors are being paid to coordinate an event for you so can work around her dates. She is his sister after all.
I do feel your current anger and frustration is part of the grieving process.
Look after yourself and your family.
Just read the last few posts. It seems to take a lot longer than it used to; death certificates are not always issued quickly. As for grieving, an unexpected or traumatic death takes a long time to process. Counselling after a few months is a good idea.