AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

It sounds like she has clients booked in so has given you a list, seems perfectly reasonable to me as long as there's some days she's available

Accommodate her if you can.

This isn't how planning funerals works! It's not as if you have endless slots to choose from. Take the first available convenient slot for you and your kids.

She has given you dates, can she help organise the dates with you ?

If you are the trainer booked a year ago for an inset day in two weeks time, at the other side of the country, you would prefer to avoid that three day window if possible.
If your DH is out of the country and you have no one to sit for your DC, you may try and avoid that day.
It Doesn’t mean you can’t, just that it would be a hell of a lot easier if you didn’t have to.

I mean, going to your brother’s funeral is something you want to prioritise and focus on. That’s harder if you have to shift flights, rebook clients, arrange cover, in order to get there.

Unless it means postponing it for weeks I would try to be accommodating as she was close to her brother and has been a big support to you. If it’s a difference of just a few days will it really make much difference to you and your DC? If it is weeks longer that you would have to wait, that’s different.

It's not a vital industry - he does training about presenting I think.

I have a training consultancy as a side gig, cancelling pre-arranged training can be very difficult. There are some organisations where it wouldn’t be a problem but I can think of a couple where I’m delivering a part of a wider course where me not doing my input would mean rescheduling the rest of the course to accommodate because what I teach is then built on by other people for the rest of the course. My training diary is often planned 18 months in advance so it can be tricky for things that come up - there have been family events I’ve not attended because of training commitments, sometimes it really can’t be avoided.

@InkHeart2024

It's exactly how many funerals are planned, we get requests in with a long list of blackout days that various key attendees can't make then I have to find clergy that can do that slot (the church, especially the old one isn't an issue as they aren't used much in the week) and finally an organist and stewards. I've known people wait 2-3 months to get the right date

I can't see that its an issue to ask the funeral director if those dates can be avoided, if that makes the wait too long then say you tried and book what's available.

It doesn't really matter what the job is. In the long run this is a small request, just not one you really wanted to have to deal with. Sounds like she is a decent woman who loved her brother and has been good to you. Try and work on the assumption that she has reasons for asking such as commitments or travel already booked that nobody can cover if they're self employed and this would be helpful. Don't make it a big personal thing. She's really close family. It's a practical request. That's all.

I will of course accommodate her if I can, but am just really angry that she's not putting him/my DC first.
My DH died under traumatic circumstances and my DC have been through so much. I just really want to book the funeral on the soonest date possible.
I wish I never asked - I was just being polite and trying to stay on good terms with her 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am so sorry for your loss.

Prioritise what is best for you and your family, but keep her request in mind. Sometimes, depending on location, there is little choice anyway, and often it is several weeks away. If the date selected, happens to be a problem for her, she has to work out where her priorities lie.

Did you ask for non-availability, or did she offer it up? My mum asked us about our children's availability when her husband died because she wanted them all there. Otherwise, it would never have occurred to me to offer any suggestions. Her needs/wishes came first.

And yes, why not ask her to help organise

So pleased I don’t live in your world.

To make life easier, many of our church funerals do not go onto the crem for a second service these days, it means you don't need second slot. Anyone can have a church funeral in their parish church by the way and we customise to suit the family

Training people is a reputation based job. Before hiring you people check out both if you are good at it and your reliability. If an HR dept has arranged for 20 people from their three UK offices to have some training on 1st Feb and that has to be cancelled at short notice even though it's for a valid reason it disrupts a lot of people's schedules to cancel. Or the company still has it's HR day but they fill the training slot with something else and SIL and DH never get that income.

It's also a job highly likely to suffer from loss of revenue in economic downturns as companies cut back on training. They might be struggling financially so don't want to cancel / postpone any upcoming work

I assume he wants to be at the funeral as well to support his wife?

Sorry, but you should know you are being unreasonable now. You asked her if there were dates that didn't suit, so she told you. She hasn't actually done anything wrong.

That said, it's obviously an upsetting time for you. Tell her you can only do certain dates. If you need help, ask her.

And sorry for your loss.

Attendees of a funeral don't choose the date, the person organising it does. The organiser then informs people and they make arrangements so they can go.
YANBU.
It's like a wedding (apologies for the comparison to a happy event), you don't ask people when they can go, you tell them. That includes your SIL.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

I’d find out the first available date and see if it fits with her- if it was waiting a day I’d do it but I wouldn’t wait weeks.

Could she be having medical treatment? And she’s saying it’s work commitments?

BIL died suddenly and tragically just before Christmas. DH uncle almost immediately said I can’t do X date or Y date and whilst it felt insensitive it was also helpful to have a heads up- all the in laws live abroad but the funeral was in London so wasn’t a case of a day off work.

My work I can easily miss to go to a funeral but I know many for who it isn’t easy.

So you asked and she responded?

Have you had chance with the shock and arrangements and looking after the kids to take everything in and start the grieving process? Obviously the ideal answer was 'no, whenever suits you best will be fine' but I get this impression this anger might be part of the long process of working through your loss. Have you got any professional support? 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your children. The phase of "waiting for a funeral" can feel weirdly endless, and the funeral is awful but it does add that first small building block of peace. I hope you are able to arrange pictures, music and words that allow you to remember him well.

People don't always behave rationally when they're grieving; unless there are other signs of her being uncaring it may be best to give her the benefit of the doubt. There may also be sensitive reasons why she wants to avoid particular dates; anniversaries can be very hard or it might be worry about the costs of changjng the DH flights (insurance should cover this though). Did you check yet if there is availability on a date she can make? If not then she'll just have to reorganise things unfortunately, but you can tell her you tried.

I was going to say this as well.

If SILs absence from work will have a huge impact on others, then try and work with her. I imagine she's also very stressed about the situation and wouldn't have asked unless she had to.

@reallyfuckedoff

I'm reading between the lines. Police have been involved here? It's already been weeks.

You asked to be polite, try to be accommodating. Is she able to come to the funeral directors with you?

Could you ask for the latest slot of the day at the crem, or even some of them do evening ceremonies. She doesn't need to take the whole day off for a 30 minute ceremony, or does she live very far away?

I don't think many people could work on the day of their brother's funeral, so doubt this would be helpful and it would be terribly hard on the kids waiting all day.