AIBU to expect SIL to cancel work for her brother's funeral?

[reallyfuckedoff]

My DH died recently and I am in the process of sorting out the house and organising the funeral.
My SIL has given me a long list of dates that she can't do and has requested that I don't book the funeral on these dates.

For various quite outing reasons, it has taken a while to get the death certificate and I really want to just get a funeral date as soon as possible; my DC have been in limbo for too long and it's just awful. She knows all of this and has very involved and helpful up until now.

I'm really angry but not sure if I'm being irrational. I've never been in this position before - not sure if her attitude is normal?

Don’t add this to your worries. Once you have a list of possible dates, if the soonest ones are not when SIL can make it then you just message her ‘this is the date. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to book it in for the days you are off- it would have meant waiting an extra week for the funeral which I don’t think either I or the kids could bear. I do hope you’ll be able to ask for the time off’

She's also lost her brother - work could be what is getting her through.

It's reasonable of her to ask but if it's not possible then it's not possible

I lost my brother quite unexpectedly when he was 41 and work was the thing that helped me function

I am very sorry for your loss.
Schedule the funeral at the earliest date that suits you and let her know the day and time. She can then decide whether to attend or not.
It is not a summons.

God she sounds like a dick, unless her job is performing life-saving surgery of course.

Sorry for your loss. Do whatever is best for you and your DC.

If you read OPs latest comment OP actually asked the sister and now isn't happy that she offered dates?

Don't get why you'd ask if you are going to get upset when she answers.

I think she should be more accommodating to you, however if none of her dates fit in with the available dates, could you call her to discuss? She might not realize this impact of her dates are having on you and your kids. I think it would be terrible if there was a falling out at this stage.

FFS it doesn't need to be moved it's at the booking stage. It could potentially be avoided? Why do so many posters jump to maximum melodrama?

I think you have probably hit the nail on the head here.
No I haven't really started grieving - his death was a massive shock and I have just gone into protect mode for my DC. I've organised counselling for them but haven't got round to sorting it for me yet.

I am so sorry for your loss OP, but with respect you did ask and she simply answered.

You said she has been involved and helpful until now. Don't shut her out. Tell her you're feeling overwhelmed at this point. If it's something you would feel comfortable with, perhaps she could coordinate the date for the funeral and take that burden away from you.

OP asked her. She answered. There’s nothing unreasonable about that.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

As others have said, you need to do what is best for you and your DC. Maybe give her a choice of the two earliest dates so she feels she is does have a say to an extent?

💐

@Agix I must live in a totally different world then. As I have never worked for a company who would have an issue with you taking a day off for your sibling's funeral no matter what. No job on this planet is more important

HRTFT. Gently, I've organised three funerals, not my DH but a teen DB and both parents. I have several siblings and wanted them all there. I spoke to the funeral director and because we had a church and burial we got to choose. It was more difficult to get the dates I'd have chosen if we wanted the crematorium. Even then he said there'd be choice but it might take longer.

What possible training job could be SO important that it can't be moved, postponed for a siblings funeral?

Its not necessarily that the training is important in itself, but in my line of work some training courses need to be run in a certain way/modules delivered in a certain order to be accredited in that particular skill set. If I need to reschedule my part, the rest of the course needs to be rescheduled/rejigged to ensure it’s delivered in a way that students will gain accreditation. That means moving other tutors around (who will have similarly planned their diaries), ensuring students can attend on the revised date (its post qualifying training so they’re all working in a job where finding training time can be challenging), sorting venues etc. It’s not as simple as just changing a date and everyone falling in to line.

So yes, if someone asked me if there were any dates to avoid, that would be one. If I wasn’t asked, I’d do all I could to change the training commitment.

And doing all that while thinking of the coming funeral.

That is a bit insensitive of her. But some jobs do make it difficult to take time off.

Dont get into an argument about this.

Just negotiate the dates with the funeral directors

I thought if you have to arrange a funeral you just do the next available day then tell everyone. It's not like a party it's saying goodbye and you shouldn't have to ask what dates are convenient.
People who care will come regardless.
You do what you want. Your SiL is being a bit unfeeling which is odd as she has just lost her brother.

If she's been very involved and helpful up to now, the chances are that that has been at the expense of her business. A two person business is inevitably going to suffer if one of them is spending a lot of time on something else. To be honest, I would try to accommodate her.

So they run a training business with no other staff…..talk about drip feed!! The chances are they’ve got training sessions booked in for clients that they don’t want to cancel because it could loose them clients and won’t be that easy to rearrange. I think you’re being a bit insensitive tbh, and yes I might still be bitter because my mum once asked me about dates for my Gandalf’s funeral and then chose the one I said I couldn’t do due to work (also travel to clients), yet still slags me off for not going!

I did a direct cremation for my dh. It was less traumatic for me which was the most important thing to consider.

It was your dh so your needs come first.

I'm so sorry for your loss, @reallyfuckedoff, and for children's loss. I can't imagine anything worse.
But it is also your SIL's loss and as they were close and had lost their own parents that feels pretty significant too, although of course not on a par.
You acknowledge that your SIL has been really helpful and supportive, so you know she's one of the good guys and it's a relationship that should be important to you and your DC life-long as their Father's surviving sibling.
For all these reasons, can you try to accommodate her, knowing that she is grieving too and trusting that the dates she has given are genuinely difficult to manage? You will need the loving support of your wider family in the years to come- please don't do anything to alienate them at this terrible time, by forcing through a date you know they can't do.

Sending heartfelt sympathy to you all.

I would really try and accommodate the dates seeing as you asked.

If the closest date available is one of the ones SIL gave you, I’d go with;

”Hi SIL, I know I asked you for dates and I’ve tried to accommodate, but with the admin side taking a long time, the best date available is X. I’d like to have the funeral as soon as we can for the children’s sake. I hope you can sort it out with work.”

Dont ask her. Tell her the date. She'll either come or she won't. .

Have a bit of compassion for goodness sake. The OP has lost her husband. She doesn't live in an 'entirely different world' to think her husband's sister would be able to come to the funeral and be flexible on dates. I don't know any employers who wouldn't be absolutely understanding of this.