DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

“Arseynal · Today 07:44

All your “fairness” has left him with the shitty end of the stick. It’s only “fair” that he gets the smallest room because his younger sisters have more stuff. It’s only fair that he gets the bus and his sisters get lifts because…well it’s just fairer that way. It’s only fair that his sister is allowed to go around saying he’s awful because her friend doesn’t like him. It’s only fair that when he comes to visit his mum his ex girlfriend is there because she moved back and he didn’t and for some reason her and his sister who thinks he’s awful can’t go to her house.
The room and the lifts is small stuff, but annoying when you are the one with the small room and the wait at the bus stop. You hosting his ex after a really messy break up is a “fuck you”. He probably shouldn’t have shit on his own doorstep but now he has it would be nice if his mum was on his side. It would be nice if his sister didn’t think she could live at her mums while being a dick to her mums other child. Being unwelcome now has probably made him think of those small things in the past where his sisters wants have been prioritised over his and he’s pissed off about it, despite being a grown man living independently. You probably would have been better off saying “yeah, it was a bit crap that you got the small room and we never took you anywhere and we have your ex over all the time” instead of “but your sisters wanted the bigger rooms, your sisters wanted lifts, your sister thinks you are awful and wants your ex here”
That said, it is a bit dramatic but it’s not better to just go and grey rock you, which was the easier option for him.”

@alizea : This with bells on. You have been very careless of your son’s feelings. Why did you studiously remain neutral when he split with his GF? He was hurt and needed your support but you put his GF and your DD ahead of him. You have let him down.

I think the room thing is very trivial and he's clutching at straws.

It doesn't always go "eldest gets the biggest room" for reasons you've stated. Our eldest had the smaller downstairs bedroom when he hit the teenage years and we had another baby as it's closer to the fridge (his favourite place!) and he could mooch about without disturbing us.

It sounds as though he has been doing a lot of navel-gazing to pick holes in his childhood, and this no-contact rule is a way of seeking attention - he wants to feel 'different' and 'special'. Leave him to it. You haven't done anything wrong. No-one's childhood is perfect. He'll realise that sooner or later, especially if he later becomes a parent himself.

Your son has clearly grown up in a very traditionally gendered environment. That may play into how he feels. Sometimes it might be 'about the room but not about the room'. I suspect you've had very different expectations of his sisters than him.

He may end up like my DH - a super high achiever because it's the only time his parents show pride in him and he feels he can never achieve enough to be good enough.

It's really interesting and concerning that after the initial post which was entirely context free about the son's grievances, he was instantly accused of being a privileged brat who is creating drama for attention.

From the subsequent posts it feels like he may have legitimate reasons for feeling hurt but we still don't know the full story or the full reasons for him wanting this space from his family.

There's an assumption that children raised in nice middle class families don't have any rights to feel neglected/abused/sidelined etc but that's absolute crap.

This happens across every part of society, every earnings/wealth bracket and social class. This is clearly evidenced on here time and time again.

Instantly validating the OP with such sparse information and context is incredibly unhelpful because it gives no cause or space to really reflect on what might be behind this shift and I'd bet it's not really about bedrooms.

Sometimes it's hard to verbalise the feelings you have and apply tangible examples. That doesn't mean the feelings aren't real.

Clearly this breakup has badly affected him and it's complicated by his sister and ex being friends but clearly it feels to him like he's the bad guy and she's still retained the support and friendship of his family members which must sting.

The more you post the sorrier I feel for your son and better understand his reasoning. He should be able to visit his own home and family without dreading bumping into his ex. The same ex who selfishly wanted him to sit with her while she was studying and neglect his own studies. The ex who has split the family with her bestie, his sister, totally supporting her. The lack of sensitivity for him and his feelings over the break up is mind boggling. Who supported him while his ex was in and out of your home?
Now the younger daughter is following friend /girlfriend to keep tabs on him. Why can you not respect his boundaries?
Your other DD really is the queen in all of this isn't she? No care for her brother and his feelings. Parents who support her and her friend by choosing them over her brother. Like others have said the drip feed on this has been extraordinary.

Hope your son goes on to have a great life.

Well it would be easier to ensure the ex wasn't spending time with his sister, in the sisters home when he visited if he announced his visits in advance, rather than just turning up unannounced.

That sounds almost like he's trying to catch you out, or just has no notion that other people have lives too and your household is not only 'his retreat'. It does not fall into suspended animation when he's not there.

He has given other examples to DH of how he felt neglected.

1. We missed a big sports game when he was about 12, this was bad timing, it was the same day as his sisters piano exam and the youngest's nativity. We never missed his nativity or piano exams also when we weighed it up, someone was going to be without and it seemed more unfair to say miss the nativity when we'd been to his. I do recall him being upset when he got home that day as his team won and everyone else had parents there and he didn't. We apologised and explained and took him out for a meal of his choice and got him a new video game.
2. He feels the expectations on him were higher, he was expected to have a spotless room, iron his own uniform etc. I can see how this was unfair but overtime our expectations as a whole decreased as we realised some battles weren't worth the fight.
3. He feels we pandered to his sisters demands and he was sacrificed. Mainly things like the youngest always got to pick what was for dinner (she was picky and hard to feed), if we had said we'd pick him up from somewhere but then his sisters needed to be picked up at the same time he'd be the one who had to make his own way, this wasn't favouritism it was that a 15 year old can get back from their friends alone but a 8 year old can't so if plans changed that did make more sense.

I can see how he felt it was unfair but we were doing our best.

Of COURSE it was right that the girls with bigger toys were given more space for their toys

I was booted out of my massive bedroom to make room for my second brother so they could share a large room - the smaller room was just as nice, got the morning sun .

He later moved vintage pinball machines in there.

Loads of kids are growing up sharing bedrooms -

They don’t act like brats over it.

It was right while they were younger but actually once they'd grown up and were playing in each other's rooms a lot I can see his point. I still think it's the ex girlfriend that's the main issue here

Especially if you had reason to believe that your ex had cheated on you during the relationship. The OP states that her son says his ex cheated on him, but "couldn't prove it'. If I thought that my ex had cheated on me and my mother's response was that I "couldn't prove it" I would not want to speak to her much either.

This is an excellent reply. Fully agree.

Op

also needs to ban the ex from the home - this shows that she has made her line in the sand and whose side she is really on

You think he should have asked before he visited? Like a guest? Sure that would make him feel like one of the family...

That is tough sorry this is happening. It does sound like he has been radicalised by bad psycotherapy or pop psychology. At the end of the day he is an independent adult an he will push back if you try to change his mind. Just say "we are here if you need us" and respect his wishes (assuming you still feel that way after what he has done).

But you have that awareness. You start dealing with it now, acknowledge that at times you have to focus on other DC due to needs, you recognise there is an expectation for her to get on, but you still love her etc. Give her some special 1:1 time where she is prioritised.

My dm (now passed), was by no means perfect however she always said we were treated 'equally/fairly' this does not mean treated the same, it depends on the person and their needs at that time.

With due respect op, your son reminds me that young people can be just as big wankers as us oldies (who they blame for everything).

Your son is a wanker.

Love the advice you have been given to follow him on instagram and to post on there evidence of you living your best life too (will probably infuriate him no doubt because he thinks he's at the centre of your universe).

We only have ourselves to blame for this nonsense. I don't have children, but the world makes out it is the most important thing a woman can do with her life. Your son has freed you to prove this wrong for yourself. Enjoy the freedom.

I can see how he felt it was unfair but we were doing our best.

It's that language "he felt it was unfair" you don't actually seem to agree it was unfair. Life is unfair so I'd start by acknowledging that these things sucked for him.

OP I can imagine how devastating this is for you, I really hope you can get through this and become close to your DS.

At twenty three I went back home after a devastating break up with long term boyfriend to find some comfort from my parents and home. They couldn’t have been more useless and just talked about themselves, no empathy and had no idea how rock bottom I was). I decided then and there to never share anything vulnerable with them again and I never have. (forty years)

The feelings you have at a time like this can be so powerful. PPs are saying your son could be spoiled indulged etc but maybe he is feeling powerful emotions of not feeling loved and supported where he needs to. Just because the facts seem fair to you OP it is not necessarily all about logical fairness with his siblings but wanting to feel equally loved and cared for. The welcoming of his ex, feeling home isn’t somewhere where he comes first with you (together with fam)rooms, lifts are how he perceived you really feel about him, not what you say you feel. Also I imagine he feels betrayed by his sister’s lack of support.

He might not have shown this previously but I think you are very fortunate he has been able to articulate his point of view to you and is in a way still hoping you can see what has happened to him. Some DC would simply go and withdraw without you ever knowing why. So you have something to work with. Hopefully you can write him an old style letter or talk to him before he leaves and tell/show as much as possible how you care and honour how he feels with understanding.

We try to do our best as parents but of course we fall down. So many families have these hidden hurts. I think we all have a longing to be seen, understood and loved in our families from all generations, as parents too. I hope you can emerge from this with a truer connection with him OP.

@alizea with every subsequent post you are building a clear picture of his sisters being favoured and prioritised.
Your reasons for that may feel valid to you but to a kid they won't and it sounds like that hurt has built to now where his ex girlfriend is hanging out with his family which he's found upsetting.

1 and 3 are understandable, however 2 I'm 🤔

Sounds a bit controlling expecting a kid to have a spotless room and iron his own uniform. What does "spotless" even mean? Did your dds also have the same rules?

Im getting a bit of an overall picture of a very rigid household here?

He's really not a wanker. He's hurting. He doesn't feel wanted by his family.

spot on exactly what I was thinking

On the face of it, it does sound like he's navel gazing a bit and raking over the coals of old (possibly imagined - who can know?) injuries. However, the fact that you showed such little insight into, and therefore caused a massive dripfeed, over the issue with the ex girlfriend who has torpedoed his relationship with his sister, makes me think there's probably some justification for his feelings.

It's the issue with the ex that will have caused this recent schism and I'm still not convinced you've really taken the feedback on board about how disloyal and upsetting your 'neutrality' in the matter will have been for him. You don't need to be neutral where your own kid is concerned - you're not a high court judge on the bench at the Old Bailey.

There's a bunch of people posting to the thread in support on you who have CLEARLY not read all of your posts.

All sounds very woe is me and lots of navel-gazing. The irony of being in the position of having 75k in the bank, and the luxury of travelling whilst bitching life's not fair 😅

I'd wish him bon voyage, and you'll see him when he gets back.