DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

First post nailed it!

Op, I bet you have done nothing wrong. I too have kids around that age (slightly older), and honestly, sometimes the things they come out with about their childhood are absolute nonsense. If they had even a glimpse into my childhood they would see that.

I have indulged them beyond belief, spent a lot of money on them, taken them all over the world. I still pay for everything now (for eg. if we go out for a meal), even though they are working adults.

I think outside influence plays a part, as youngsters can be easily swayed. For eg. my son made a lot of friends at Uni who were from super rich families (multi millionaires), and even his (in my view) privileged life couldn't match up. My daughter lives with 3 people who hate their parents, and she has made a few things up about us, to fit in!

When my son went travelling, he refused to give us the itinerary. He tore strips off me for asking. All I said, was that someone (anyone) should have it, from a safety perspective. As in, if he didn't make it home, at least we could give the Police a starting point!! Apparently, that wasn't on. My daughter was travelling to the far east with no travel insurance, and tore strips off me for saying she really should get insurance, in case something happened. Her view was that she was careful, my view was that she could get run over by a moped, through no fault of her own, and end up with a hospital bill of £££££. You feel like saying oh fuck off then, or a saying my DH loves "fuck around and find out". I don't mean it, obviously!

I think the crux of it is, that they are my world, but I'm not theirs. It stings. but I guess it's the way of the world really.

Maybe we need a thread for parents of young adults?! 😝

But why this assumption that a good job and savings means life is peachy?

Jealousy

@alizea It’s attention that he’s missing by the sounds of it.

I have two half brothers ( my mum died when I was very young, dad remarried)

The oldest IS the one who parents learn on.

I was made to eat what was given- and to clear my plate.

Aubergine, Mediterranean cooking when I yearned for fish fingers and chips.

When bros came along they were given children’s food- and could leave stuff on their plate- I did think that was unfair!

One of the reasons I only had one child was because so many people don’t get on with their siblings- especially as adults.

What really matters is attention and love.
Those are free.

This.

I had a pretty bad childhood. I had so few of my needs met and I have been affected by it my entire life but I have never blamed my parents. As an adult, I am able to see that they were struggling too and doing their best or close to it.

In reality, they should not have had kids but it was the thing to do back then.

He sounds terribly self centred. He must know dropping this bomb and disappearing is a nasty thing to do rather than talk it through over weeks and months if need be and yes, if he is in a foreign country with a broken leg and no insurance, you will get the call as a 'test' to see how much you love him so start saving now OP.

I'd like to know more about the girl he has met.....

If you think it would be acceptable ask if you can track his phone.

My son is travelling and is reassuring to look at it and know where he is in the world. No contact is needed between you two once it's set up.

We said if you get lost or something happens we would come and find you. This will give us a clue as to where you are.

We also made sure our passports were up-to-date in case we needed to go.

He might feel cared about if you do these two things.

The first time he ran into his ex in what should be a safe space for him you should have drawn a line and said it might be best if she didn't come round any more. Essentially you chose your daughter again because it was easier for you.

Everything is because it was easier for you.

Even picking looking at the 'smallest' thing, the ironing. Just imagine how galling it would be to be 16 and ironing on a Sunday night when you're sister isn't! But it would be easier for you.

I started reading this thread thinking your son was a bit of a wally, but he has a whole list of pretty fair points really.

I'm an adult child who wanted for nothing in my childhood, in terms of material possessions. I was one of the first in my class to get a mobile phone. I had the latest consoles. I took my pick of the toys in the Argos catalogue, and Santa delivered every year without fail.

I also had bars over my window to stop me leaving the house. My bedroom door was removed from its hinges if I ever dared to close it. I walked on eggshells on Christmas's / Birthdays because if I didn't react the correct way in response to these lovely gifts ("oh, thank you" instead of "oh my God, it's amazing, I love it so much"), I would cause my mother to give everyone the silent treatment and the day would be ruined.

I can't speak for the Instagram generation, but certainly there are a lot of us in our 30s and 40s waking up to the realisation that what our parents called "tough love" was actually downright abuse. Now we have to protect our own kids from this, and sometimes going no / low contact is the safest way to do it.

Me too! He's told us she's 22, graduated in the summer and taking a gap year too. We know her name and DD2 follows her on TikTok and from that we have been able to figure out she is European (Italian, Portuguese and Maltese flags in her bio), other that we know nothing. He did say "don't worry she's paying for her own travel".
There are TikTok's of them kissing but when we asked if she was a girlfriend he gave a half hearted "I don't know yet".

Ouch. This is it. “it seemed odd to ban someone from our house for the sake of the occasional visits DS would make”
There is a clear loyalty problem here.
She isn’t “someone”, she is the woman who hurt your son.
Can you see how hurtful it can be that your own parents and siblings prioritised a “stranger”’s feeling instead of yours?

Edited to say: Time to ban her from the house I’d say.

Absolutely spot on

its the rise in therapy speak and Americanisms and social media turning people into navel gazing narcissists with trauma

OMG, that made me feel sick just reading it.

Will he be in touch with his siblings, so you will at least know he's OK? Could you persuade him to let you know he's OK, once per month?

Has he had therapy/counselling?

Where did I post that then?

My comment was my view based on OPs posts regarding her DS. It doesn't sound like he's experienced neither a neglectful nor abusive upbringing?

Plus is that fact that he's inheritance of 50k + savings does indeed mean he has the luxury of going travelling, or does it not?

I think most children will be able to pick out 'unfairness' in their childhoods, because unless you parent children of different ages exactly the same way (which would probably mean them missing out since parents can't be in two places at once) then there will be differences.

I know my eldest thinks it's unfair that we ask her to do stuff that her sibling doesn't. However there are 2.5 years between them and its stuff that my youngest can't do yet (eg safely get a drunk themselves because of layout of the kitchen). Should we not be teaching the older one some independence because the younger one isn't ready for it yet? She thinks it's unfair that we stay with the youngest until they go to aleep...when we try this with the oldest it keeps her awake chatting. So we ha e a longer bed time awake with her instead, reading or playing, which she doesn't think about.

Your example of giving lifts is a good example of this, if both children need to be somewhere at the same time of course you prioritise the youngest on the basis that the 15 year old can get themselves somewhere. The 8 year old needing a lift is a need, the 15 year old needing a lift is a preference.

I do take pp point about the break up and how you still see his ex, and it must be hard they his sister has sided with her friend (who should not have involved your daughter). But siblings are always going to need slightly different things from their parents at different times, someone is always going to have the small room, someone is going to have to miss out having a parent there (we often miss school events because of work).

Yep, 100% this.

You’ve apologised and tried to explain - it’s now time to stop letting him beat you up.

I would wish him all the best and maybe get some counselling yourself.
It does seem the more privileged they’ve been the more they bear a grudge. He’s loved, you provided a home and supported his sports and music lessons - parents are people too and stuff happens.
However he is an adult and it’s up to him the level of contact he has with you; hopefully he’ll come back later and appreciate you. Look after yourself now.

It might not have been necessary to ban the ex from the house completely but it might have been possible to have a discussion with him and your DD about it where you made clear that you recognised it wasn't straightforward but that whilst DD should be able to continue to see her friend obviously you wanted him to be able to come to the family home when he could. That would have shown him that you had him and your attachment to him in mind. I really think just acknowledging that you can see how your actions could have been interpreted as lack of care, and how sad you are about that because you love him and care about him and really want to give him that sense of being valued, might get you somewhere. He might still want the space but it's going to be better for all of you if you can start rebuilding before he goes.

“I think the crux of it is, that they are my world, but I'm not theirs. It stings. but I guess it's the way of the world really.”
@Blondiebeachbabe

THIS ☝️

Mum ( adoptive mum) says kids don’t care for their parents like parents care for their children.

I think she is correct.

Your comment sums it up.

I like to think I have a good relationship with young adult son- ( I helped with house deposit, but he didn’t have an easy privileged childhood - ( Divorce &c)

However one can never take things for granted.

My brother knows Uber wealthy people and if say the children aren’t fundamentally any happier than poorer kids.

She isn’t “someone”, she is the woman who hurt your son.

Yes, but the son couldn't "PROVE" to his mother that she cheated on him so fuck him and the horse he rode in on. Must be completely fair and impartial at all times - even towards randos who hate and possibly cheated on your kid yet still want to put their feet up in your house.

The mother favours her daughters. She even favours the ex who hates him and has driven a wedge between her children.

The son knows this.
The daughter knows this.
The ex knows this.

Only person who DOESN'T know this is the OP.

Yes, as I've read all the OP's posts I feel a bit sorry for him.

He sounds like a high-achieving sort seeking to impress his parents and always falling a bit short.

It doesn't mean you aren't good parents OP, you obviously love him very much. But I'd have a long conversation with him - tell him you have mulled over everything and can see where he is coming from and that you've made mistakes. Explain the reasons why you made those decisions at the time, but acknowledge that it is understandable that came to certain conclusionsas a result of them.

It doesn't sound like he's cutting you off but just wants a bit of a breather to think over things and find himself a bit.

And I agree with the poster who said the fact he has the confidence to do this, knowing he can come back and be welcomed with open arms is testament to his knowing you love and support him.

With respect there aren’t many mothers that enjoy no contact from their own children, nor feel any sense of freedom from the lack of communication. Our children are dearly loved, and we enjoy spending time with them.

“rubiconartist · Today 08:21

** with every subsequent post you are building a clear picture of his sisters being favoured and prioritised.
Your reasons for that may feel valid to you but to a kid they won't and it sounds like that hurt has built to now where his ex girlfriend is hanging out with his family which he's found upsetting.”

@alizea This also with bells on. And you really let him down over the breakup. All parents fuck up to some degree. You need to recognise that you have fallen into habits of prioritising your DD and her feelings. You need to own this and stop with the “we were doing our best” stuff which sounds feeble. Actually no-one is doing their best all the time. You weren’t doing your best over the split. You were doing what felt easiest to do. Believe me, I’ve been guilty of that also, as a parent. But it’s best if you acknowledge that and admit you’ve let him down. Because you have. And as another poster said, the posters who are still supporting you and criticising your son clearly haven’t read your updates.

My son worked on ships. Seven weeks on, seven off. All over the world. Different time zones. We rarely heard from him. When he was off holidayed in far flung places, again we rarely heard anything, just pictures.

Let him travel, heal, see the world. It's an eye opener for them.

He is massively naval gazing but you are still all over it with the “it seemed fair to prioritise his sisters” I’ve got 4dc with a 7yr gap and we have changed financially and in terms of available time through their childhoods so their experiences are different, I “get” it, but if one has a nativity and one has an important match then the parents split. You don’t suddenly have to pick an 8yo up, their lives don’t run like that. You’ve made an arrangement to collect your 15yo and then done something last minute with your 8yo that means your 15yo is left. You’ve let one of your kids dictate the menu for all the others for no good reason. You’ve been harsher on one of your kids than the others and you are still saying it was fair. Would you still host your dds ex boyfriend if he was shagging other women? Or even if he wasn’t?