Page 8 | DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

alizea · 2025-01-23T01:51:45+00:00

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money. In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews. Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult. Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America. He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram. I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down. AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

NewdayNewstartin2025 · 23/01/2025 07:50

Arseynal · 23/01/2025 07:44

All your “fairness” has left him with the shitty end of the stick. It’s only “fair” that he gets the smallest room because his younger sisters have more stuff. It’s only fair that he gets the bus and his sisters get lifts because…well it’s just fairer that way. It’s only fair that his sister is allowed to go around saying he’s awful because her friend doesn’t like him. It’s only fair that when he comes to visit his mum his ex girlfriend is there because she moved back and he didn’t and for some reason her and his sister who thinks he’s awful can’t go to her house.

The room and the lifts is small stuff, but annoying when you are the one with the small room and the wait at the bus stop. You hosting his ex after a really messy break up is a “fuck you”. He probably shouldn’t have shit on his own doorstep but now he has it would be nice if his mum was on his side. It would be nice if his sister didn’t think she could live at her mums while being a dick to her mums other child. Being unwelcome now has probably made him think of those small things in the past where his sisters wants have been prioritised over his and he’s pissed off about it, despite being a grown man living independently. You probably would have been better off saying “yeah, it was a bit crap that you got the small room and we never took you anywhere and we have your ex over all the time” instead of “but your sisters wanted the bigger rooms, your sisters wanted lifts, your sister thinks you are awful and wants your ex here”
That said, it is a bit dramatic but it’s not better to just go and grey rock you, which was the easier option for him.

This 100 @alizea

Totally changed my view after the drip feed. You are showing lack of support with ex always there and sister siding with ex.

Poor chap who has worked himself into the ground needs space from the lot of you. Imagine painful break up with sister taking sides and giving you her version of problems then you having ex there when he visits. That's not neutral.

I hope he has a great gap year from endless studies with a new lady.

Butchyrestingface · 23/01/2025 07:50

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

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Alternatively, his sisters might have been encouraged to have less 'stuff'.

Why did they even have more stuff than him? Presumably if they were children, they couldn't buy their own stuff and it must have been bought for them by others. Were they rewarded with more goodies even then?

Notellinganyone · 23/01/2025 07:50

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2025 03:12

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had
I agree @JandamiHash and I think social media has a lot do do with it. Instagram and the like are full of this. Young people are encouraged to criticise their childhood and everything the way their parents brought them up, to an extreme degree so that almost all of them will decide their parents were neglectful or failed them.

Yes. This has happened to me. You can’t argue- it will achieve nothing. Let him go and as others say - hopefully he will grow up. The whole trauma narrative- when there is no real trauma- is upsetting and frustrating.

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:50

Paisleyandpolkadots · 23/01/2025 03:59

One of my children was like this. You'd think he'd been raised by wolves the way he carried on. He had a very indulged childhhoold with both parents present and no shortage of money, time or atttention being spent on him. We were liberal parents too. Yes, he too claimed that his sibling had received more attention - and he had because his sibling had struggled in school and needed extra coaching while the aggrieved child was very academically gifted.

I think young people go through a stage of comparing their actual parents with some deified version of perfection - parents who never snap, get fed up or say the wrong thing and who are totally selfless. They don't seem to think parents are actually people with wishes and hopes and dreams of their own. My son eventually got past this - probably after seeing children who were really neglected. Working as a student in a half way house for troubled teens with a predilection for knives and drugs did wonders for his perception of parenting skills.

I totally agree and it’s very scary - I have one DC with a chronic illness who requires a lot of care when he has flare ups and while my other DC seems to be largely unaffected I worry she’s gonna get it in her head that she was “neglected”

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 07:51

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

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I'm assuming they moved house at some point

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Considering that some posters say that their childhood was over because their mum shouted at them once, no I don’t expect to. Parents are expected to behave perfectly in a way that suits all their children at all times these days and it’s a ridiculous notion

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:55

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2025 07:23

I’d imagine a lot of it is down to the older generation having lived in relatively prosperous times, with more disposable money, lower mortgages and perks like final salary pensions while doing absolutely shit all to set the next generation up for success. Oh, and while also dismissing the absolute turmoil of being a young professional during an unprecedented CoL crisis who knows they’ll need to work themselves to near burnout until their 70s and beyond.

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I don’t think the OP’s son, as someone who’s been travelling, been to university and lived alone, can be accused of being victim to the CoL crisis.

Didimum · 23/01/2025 07:55

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

This made me laugh and I think there’s a lot of validity in it.

I’m sorry to say my DH’s brother did almost exactly this in his early 20s. He’s 30 now, still hot-footing it round the globe with low or no contact (which is fine if you’re not a little twerp about it but unfortunately he is).

JoanCollinsDiva · 23/01/2025 07:56

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

Agree with everything you've said.

There have been a few posts like this on MN lately.

Hopefully he'll grow up a bit whilst he travelling, maybe see a bit of poverty and realise how lucky he is.

Sending love OP 💐 id be devastated if one of mine said/did that. It's something I can imagine second eldest doing (he's a 20yo social justice warrior with a bit of a victim complex 😂)

Original poster

alizea · 23/01/2025 07:56

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

Show quote history

We have a 5 bedroom house, DS has always had the 4th bedroom, it isn’t small (small double I’d say), this was his nursery. When DD1 was born we decided to have him keep his room as to a toddler we felt it would be worse kicking him out of his room for a new baby than just giving the baby a room he was seldom in anyway. When DD2 was born we moved DD1 into bedroom 2 as she was older and had bigger toys than DS ever did (dolls pram, cot, dolls house etc), then it just stayed like that. DS was sporty and active and social. He spent his life either out on his bike with friends or on the trampoline etc. so it didn’t make sense for him to have a bigger room. His sisters were much more likely to spend time in their own rooms playing.
There was a slight argument when he was a teen as he felt the girls had the 2 biggest room was unfair since they played in each others rooms but he only ever used his, but when we looked at it he still didn’t have as much “stuff”. It seemed fair at the time but I can see on reflection it might not have been.

OP posts:

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 07:57

DustyLee123 · 23/01/2025 07:48

@JandamiHash I agree. My DD has pulled away from us, only answers my occasional message when she feels like it ( I hardly ever message for fear of being called controlling or something, but no doubt in the future I’ll be accused of not caring/bothering)
She was brought up in a semi rural village, had every experience she wanted, including a costly and time consuming hobby, but now she says she hates where she grew up, and she wishes she’d grown up in the city where everything happens. I also suspect that she would like to have been an only child. You just can’t win.

I think there could be an argument for young adults doing some type of national service of living in really neglectful conditions.

oakleaffy · 23/01/2025 07:58

@alizea Kids before emails and mobile phones have always travelled-
I didn’t have a smart phone or own laptop when DS went travelling for a year-

I’d get a 2am phone call, standing in a dark and draughty hall where the landline was -

In a way it was probably easier
We’d send letters and would get the phone calls from public phone boxes Whistler Canada 🇨🇦 Or wherever they were.

As others have said, these more privileged and spoiled kids do seem to throw it back in their parent’s faces- like throwing a monumental strop despite being given so much .

At 25 he’s not a kid , and the inheritance has probably allowed him to bankroll this girl whom he doesn’t know well.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 23/01/2025 07:59

AgnesX · 23/01/2025 07:33

This narrative really irritates me. Not everyone lived like that.

Fewer people went to university, mortgages actually that easy to get, especially if you were a single not very well paid woman. And as for the final salary schemes I (who's one of these older generations) missed that particular boat as well, not to mention being on the receiving end of pension age increases.

Throughout the 80s and 90s mortgage rates were higher or similar to those now.

Where I do have sympathy - and again as an older person who's not benefitted from the housing explosion - is the cost of property.

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Definitely not everyone, that’s why I deliberately said “a lot of it”. My parents haven’t got a pension between them as they wasted all their self employment incomes on materialistic nonsense. But that’s another story…

Agree the cost of property is the worst factor in all of this. My husband and I both earn very well and work incredibly hard, salaries most people would dream of (or assume set you up for life) yet we’re in a tiny shit flat in outer London that needs more repairs than the we can afford.

Q for another thread but WHO is in all of London’s three-bed semis?!

Oreyt · 23/01/2025 07:59

Sounds like he could be joining a cult 🤔

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 08:01

alizea · 23/01/2025 07:31

He has level 1 and 2, he sat his level 2 in the summer before going travel but basically ran level 1 and 2 into each other (beginning study for level 2 as soon as he got the results from level 1) he also has a masters and we are very very proud of him and his achievements and he has cited that as being partially why he needs a break away from work/family for a year as since he started uni he has basically worked himself into the ground.

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Seems fair enough doesn't it. He's a grown man. Let him spread his wings.

PreferMyAnimals · 23/01/2025 08:01

Mama2many73 · 23/01/2025 07:47

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

Show quote history

I am the eldest and had the smallest room. I guess someone had to! I don't think there was any thought gone into who should have what room that I am aware of, but I do remember throwing it at my parents once as evidence that they favoured her. I still think they did. They had a higher standard of behaviour for me, she got away with so much more, I do think my mother liked her better. The small room was really just part of a pattern I felt at the time. Recently my mother did tell me that I should take them expecting more of me than my sister as a compliment. It's still unfair? Nothing to estrange over though.

onwardsupwardsandbeyond · 23/01/2025 08:01

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/01/2025 05:03

Ahh...

Yeah you've done such a cracking job he feels so very secure with the safety net you've provided all his life that he can pick out the tiny bits that, with the benefit of the hindsight you never had, he can find fault with from his childhood...

And say 'screw you I am fucking off around the world and it is too difficult to have to consider your feelings whilst I do this, so I won't bother' ...

Safe in the knowledge that if it all goes tits up, you'll help him, because you love him, ever so.

'Off you pop dear, have a lovely time and I hope you learn more about the world and being a grown up living in it. Hopefully you'll know where to find us when you return to planet normal-person...'

And then seriously contemplate moving house to somewhere delightfully impractical without a spare room for him when he returns.

Im not saying kids should be raised like some of us were, safe in the knowledge that we ever dare question a single thing, we'd be told (in so many words or not) to fuck off and not come back...

But a middle ground would be nice, the current system seems to protect children from the concept that their parents are actual people with actual feelings for far too long and you get this 'I can be incredibly hurtful to these people because they love me and won't tell me when/if I am being a monumentally massive prick' situation.

This 100%.

I also believe that perceptions vary, as they say. I have 2 DC, young still, and we're all close and happy but I can see one child - the one who I'd say is more anxious/unstable - already have a tendency to pick up on differences and saying things are unfair when in fact, if anything, this child has had more emotional support.

This whole NC thing is an epidemic.

I also sometimes wonder - and I may be wrong here - that some of the root cause is the increased polarisation across the board but especially in the younger generations. Also think those on the spectrum are more likely to go down the NC route.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 23/01/2025 08:01

alizea · 23/01/2025 07:56

We have a 5 bedroom house, DS has always had the 4th bedroom, it isn’t small (small double I’d say), this was his nursery. When DD1 was born we decided to have him keep his room as to a toddler we felt it would be worse kicking him out of his room for a new baby than just giving the baby a room he was seldom in anyway. When DD2 was born we moved DD1 into bedroom 2 as she was older and had bigger toys than DS ever did (dolls pram, cot, dolls house etc), then it just stayed like that. DS was sporty and active and social. He spent his life either out on his bike with friends or on the trampoline etc. so it didn’t make sense for him to have a bigger room. His sisters were much more likely to spend time in their own rooms playing.
There was a slight argument when he was a teen as he felt the girls had the 2 biggest room was unfair since they played in each others rooms but he only ever used his, but when we looked at it he still didn’t have as much “stuff”. It seemed fair at the time but I can see on reflection it might not have been.

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I think the thing I would focus on here is "they played in each others' rooms but he only used his". That might speak to a sense of loneliness and exclusion at home that goes back a lot further than you might have realised. It feels like he might never really have felt properly valued as part of the family.

It's understandable not to have picked up on it at the time but that doesn't mean his feelings are incomprehensible or unreasonable.

Owly11 · 23/01/2025 08:02

Why did you apologise and ask how to make it better when you didn't know what he meant and were taken aback by it? You are just feeding his incorrect global notion that you neglected him. I would respond with something more along the lines of asking him what does he mean by neglected, has he got examples and then talk them through. This may take time and there might be things you can acknowledge and apologise for but these would be real specific things that you agree on, not a global taking responsibility for every upset of his without even knowing what they are. It's a normal phase to think about ways your parents let you down but it's also completely normal that parents WILL let their kids down - it doesn't mean you were neglectful. These things can be repaired but if he doesn't want to engage about it there's not much you can do. In that case I would say something like 'I am sorry to hear you feel neglected, that's not my experience at all, however I am really happy to talk through any specific examples of it so that I can get to understand your perspective better. In the meantime I would feel more comfortable you travelling the world knowing that either I or someone else knows where you are and who you are with for safety reasons- could we come to some kind of compromise around that?'

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 08:02

Oreyt · 23/01/2025 07:59

Sounds like he could be joining a cult 🤔

No it doesn't

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 23/01/2025 08:03

I will never understand why people don't at least read all of the OP's updates before they comment. You can just click on "see all" in any OP post and read straight through them.

Guineapiggywiggy · 23/01/2025 08:03

alizea · 23/01/2025 07:31

He has level 1 and 2, he sat his level 2 in the summer before going travel but basically ran level 1 and 2 into each other (beginning study for level 2 as soon as he got the results from level 1) he also has a masters and we are very very proud of him and his achievements and he has cited that as being partially why he needs a break away from work/family for a year as since he started uni he has basically worked himself into the ground.

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I can imagine he does, it feels never ending! No one really understands how much constant work and pressure it all brings, work is full on and competitive and your life is consumed with study. MUCH harder than uni IMO.

I do agree that he most probably feels the disloyalty with his ex hanging around his home (emotional home) even when he’s not there.

MikeRafone · 23/01/2025 08:04

alizea · 23/01/2025 07:06

I can appreciate how the break up seems insensitive on our part. DS doesn't live at home, his ex moved back after she graduated in summer and lives a few streets away.
We based our choice on her being around on the fact that he rarely just pops home, maybe once a month he would catch a train and "surprise" visit. 2 times his ex has been here but has left as soon as he arrived.
DD does live at home so it seemed odd to ban someone from our house for the sake of the occasional visits DS would make, I can see that might not have been the right choice though.

But can you understand that this will seem disloyal?
Your dd could go to her friends house and after your ds arriving home once and finding his ex with her feet under the table this could have been a time to consider his feelings.

You're feelings are now you are worried about him and he isn't now taking your feelings into account, is he? So its upset you

Ok so youve made mistakes, don\t we all. Now is the time to fess up and say actually we have made some mistakes and we need to own those mistakes and try and repair the relationship between us. Send him travelling with your best wishes, let him know you'll be following him on instagram and you'll respect his wishes and not contact him - hoping that on his return you can really work not he relationship between you

AlertCat · 23/01/2025 08:05

TangerineClementine · 23/01/2025 07:42

It's a comparison thing though. It's not that he didn't get lifts, it's that his sisters did and he didn't.

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But OP said it was about the resources available at the time. My sister went on holidays abroad and had new clothes while I got taken camping in Wales and wore hand-me-downs. That’s not because she was the favourite (although maybe she is 😂) but because when I was a kid my parents were pretty poor- my mother was a student and my dad spent time on strike and self employed. When my sister came along my mother was in a good job and they were much more stable financially. Maybe the DS here couldn’t have a lift because the only car was being used, or maybe little sister was napping at the time and the parent couldn’t go out when he needed to leave.

The relationship issue is tricky as the ex is a close friend of one of the sisters. It seems like the parents were going to upset either their son or their daughter and by staying neutral that’s come across as unsupportive. It does sound as if DS is having a flounce, but hopefully he will get over it while he’s away.

Butchyrestingface · 23/01/2025 08:05

Owly11 · 23/01/2025 08:02

Why did you apologise and ask how to make it better when you didn't know what he meant and were taken aback by it? You are just feeding his incorrect global notion that you neglected him. I would respond with something more along the lines of asking him what does he mean by neglected, has he got examples and then talk them through. This may take time and there might be things you can acknowledge and apologise for but these would be real specific things that you agree on, not a global taking responsibility for every upset of his without even knowing what they are. It's a normal phase to think about ways your parents let you down but it's also completely normal that parents WILL let their kids down - it doesn't mean you were neglectful. These things can be repaired but if he doesn't want to engage about it there's not much you can do. In that case I would say something like 'I am sorry to hear you feel neglected, that's not my experience at all, however I am really happy to talk through any specific examples of it so that I can get to understand your perspective better. In the meantime I would feel more comfortable you travelling the world knowing that either I or someone else knows where you are and who you are with for safety reasons- could we come to some kind of compromise around that?'

She knows what the problem is - it's the issue of them pandering to an ex who hates him and has nixed his relationship with his sister - yet still feels welcome to put her feet up in the parental home. To the point he can't drop in to see his own parents without the risk of bumping into her.

I'd probably go travelling too.