DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

Good catch.

Maybe she should let the ex have a swatch at the new girlfriend's TikTok too, so she can chip in with her valued opinion too.

You might be proud of him op, but he needs to feel loved and supported. It’s a shame he had work himself into to ground for anyone to feel proud. It sounds conditional on his success, and maybe he is sick of his life being measured in this way?

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Or, are these the children of the "but we took you to stately homes" thread type parents.

It really isn't possible to know both sides to stories like this. I know people who really struggle to process their childhoods and their parents are completely oblivious. Especially when it comes to favouring, daughters are so often favoured, I see it in my own family but the mothers would fiercely deny it.

It was a mistake to allow the girl to come whenever after the split. He seems to feel betrayed by that.

He probably sees that as you putting your daughters first given they are friends

If you look at social media, the quickest way to get attention is to talk about your trauma. I’m a therapist and see this more and more. I think people do believe they have experienced trauma but lack empathy for the fact that no parent can get it right all the time

Tell him you love him and let him live his life how he chooses. Empathize with him about his feelings of feeling unsupported and explain that you had no idea you were favoring his sisters. When he is ready to talk about his feelings with you tell him that you will always be there to listen.

He is an adult now and his decisions are his alone to make.

Get on with your own life.

I would respect his wishes.

I agree. There are so many pseudo therapists/ life coaches etc on Instagram and all this stuff about breaking the cycle etc.

Becoming an adult is tough and it’s like he’s trying to blame any struggles he’s having on his childhood.

Agree , and he may have told the new girlfriend, she’s said (not unreasonably) that’s awful and given him food for thought/another perspective when his own family have proceeded like it’s totally normal. That’s often how we realise people’s behaviour, especially parents, is not quite right as when you are in it and it’s your normality you just don’t know.

Have you read all of OP's posts? There's a huge dripfeed coming.

And no, it's not that she has embossed stationary with the caption girlmum, although she might.

Can you not see how that would hurt? You come home to see your family and your ex is there?

It's a comparison thing though. It's not that he didn't get lifts, it's that his sisters did and he didn't.

Reading your updates OP, I can see his POV. I'm the oldest and was always expected to babysit and take care of my siblings. I don't think parents always realise that their first kid had to break all the barriers for the others, how much pocket money, going out for parties, acceptance of boy/girlfriends etc . It does rankles a bit when you see your siblings cruising through these without any issue whereas each one of those was a debate.

I also can see how hard it was for DS. If you had been cheated on by an ex and kept going back to your family.home and seeing the ex. That would rankle a bit. By not taking sides, you essentially took a side, because you effective implied you didn't believe DS. Because if you had then you'd have taken his side.

If I were you I'd write to him and thank him for clarification. Tell.him you can see his POV and that you realise you are being insensitive about the ex, and that you hadn't realised that the rooms etc were a source of concern and it wasn't driven out of favourites but practicality but you can see now how it came across. And that you love him and you want to mend these bridges if possible. Tell him you wish him well for the trip and you'd love to follow his IG and if he wanted to drop you the odd message you'd be delighted.

Oh gosh this is such a sensitive situation. He clearly feels due to those random occurrences that his sister's desires for a friendship are more important than his feelings of being emotionally betrayed.

The difficult thing for you as a family - particularly as there's nothing you could have done about this except perhaps bar her from your home, which would have been extreme - is that female friendships like this often last forever. So his sense of betrayal will unlikely ever go, even if it eases with time.

The best you can hope for is ex gf meets someone and stays with them and chooses to live a long way from your home town so she's no longer a constant in your DD's life

Does he do that at the moment in this country?

He's 25, he's doing well in life. Let him have the personal space he needs.

The ex-girlfriend situation sounds rather enmeshed, and it's not suprising that he needs space from that situation.

The ability to keep in touch regularly while travelling is very new. When I went travelling for months about 15 years ago, smart phones were still niche, roaming data extorotionate and it was still the phase of logging on to desk top computers in internet cafes, in hostels to check emails and facebook and finding pay phones for a sporadic check-in. At that point in time it wasn't worth taking a mobile phone. Kindles hadn't quite come in so it was book swapping for entertainment.

15 years ago a young adult didn't need to "lay down boundaries" about going lower contact, because it wasn't assumed that you'd be in touch constantly.

This is the first generation expected to live near literally in their parents' pockets and be constantly in touch. Their ability to be spontaneous has been curtailed by being mindful of embarassing things being put on social media (plus pandemic restrictions ripping through university life). When they take a step back from it all, it all sounds rather dramatic and formal. Previous generations could do it much more naturally.

Reading about all his studying and work suggests this is his first real chance for a break, between childhood, study and preparation for life and the actual life. It's his gap year. The break-up will have intensified things. Just give him space and he'll get things out of his system.

All your “fairness” has left him with the shitty end of the stick. It’s only “fair” that he gets the smallest room because his younger sisters have more stuff. It’s only fair that he gets the bus and his sisters get lifts because…well it’s just fairer that way. It’s only fair that his sister is allowed to go around saying he’s awful because her friend doesn’t like him. It’s only fair that when he comes to visit his mum his ex girlfriend is there because she moved back and he didn’t and for some reason her and his sister who thinks he’s awful can’t go to her house.

The room and the lifts is small stuff, but annoying when you are the one with the small room and the wait at the bus stop. You hosting his ex after a really messy break up is a “fuck you”. He probably shouldn’t have shit on his own doorstep but now he has it would be nice if his mum was on his side. It would be nice if his sister didn’t think she could live at her mums while being a dick to her mums other child. Being unwelcome now has probably made him think of those small things in the past where his sisters wants have been prioritised over his and he’s pissed off about it, despite being a grown man living independently. You probably would have been better off saying “yeah, it was a bit crap that you got the small room and we never took you anywhere and we have your ex over all the time” instead of “but your sisters wanted the bigger rooms, your sisters wanted lifts, your sister thinks you are awful and wants your ex here”
That said, it is a bit dramatic but it’s not better to just go and grey rock you, which was the easier option for him.

I agree I think he's got valid cause to be pissed off

Impossible to tell if he is being reasonable about feeling his childhood was emotionally neglectful, so I won’t comment on that…but a 25 year old meeting someone of the opposite sex and wanting to go travelling with them is perfectly normal. At that age I had a big group of mixed gender friends and we would all hang out and travel together. We weren’t perverts, or drug traffickers. He is 25 ffs and that is the age when you are dating and having fun, so travelling with a girl is totally normal 😂

I totally agree. The issue of lack of support for your son re the break up has obviously hit him hard which has probably led uo the introspection of his life and 'finding' unfairness acts from yourselves , and justifying to himself that it has 'always been like this'

BTW the smallest room, which seems irrelevant to a lot of people on here, really confuses me. Did he not, as the eldest, start with the biggest room? At some point compared to his sisters he would have more stuff. Were rooms swapped at any point to give the sisters bigger rooms??

I’m not suggesting this is in any way relevant to the OP at all, but yes. My own parents, whom I love, were dreadful parents, and have absolutely no idea to this day. It’s not their fault (both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds, not parented themselves, both timid, withdrawn people with little or no exposure to others’ ways of doing things), and there was no benefit to me in telling them I am still dealing with the fallout in my 50s. They don’t have the emotional capacity to understand. (Opposite in our house — DB, the baby, and only son, very much got preferential treatment, probably from a combination of no housework being expected from boys and more resources by the time he was born.)

TL;DR. It’s perfectly possible to be a decent human being and not realise glaring flaws in your parenting.

@JandamiHash I agree. My DD has pulled away from us, only answers my occasional message when she feels like it ( I hardly ever message for fear of being called controlling or something, but no doubt in the future I’ll be accused of not caring/bothering)
She was brought up in a semi rural village, had every experience she wanted, including a costly and time consuming hobby, but now she says she hates where she grew up, and she wishes she’d grown up in the city where everything happens. I also suspect that she would like to have been an only child. You just can’t win.

I am totally on your son's side here. You have been completely insensitive to him and his needs. Making him have the smallest room and not giving him lifts when you treated your daughters the oppposite way was the start of it for him. How you treated the break-up was awful. It might have been just a 3 year relationship but for him this was the first, most important relationship he had ever had.

I can't imagine how I would feel if my parents refused to side with me and support me when I went through my divorce and instead had my exh over to their house and carried on as if nothing had happened. They had known my ex 20-odd years so probably longer than you have known your DDs friend but no way would I have been OK with that when the breakup was so acrimonious. I would have definitely distanced myself from them if they had done that.

Exactly! My parents were happy to get a postcard once in a while.
My DS and his GF went to New Zesland last year. (both 20 at the time) and it was lovely to receive WhatsApp photos and know they were OK.
At 25, you would expect to be independent and not having to check in with parents.

And don't forget all the covid shit!