DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

This is eerily similar to a post last week.

OP you sound a bit nuts, especially if the thread last week was you.

Your son is 25, has incredibly good savings, has a good career he can pick back up on his return. You sound like you behaved a bit shit in the past so no wonder he wants a bit of space. Adult children don't suddenly decide they want distance/space from their parents for 0 reason.

I was around 25 when i reflected on my childhood too and questioned things that happened in the past, I distanced myself from my dad as a result, although i didn't bring it up to my parents like your son has, he is giving you a chance to know how he feels which is fantastic, which also gives you chance to acknowledge and reply to him.

You do sound quite controlling and anxious, so no wonder he wants to guard his relationship with his potential new gf after what happened with his ex - you were all too enmeshed and dramatic.

Maybe the distance he gets whilst traveling will help you all start afresh when he returns.

DD1 also sounds a bit unhinged - stalking the new girls tiktok, I would shut down any negative talk about the new girl right now or if DS gets wind of this it will push him away even more.

I think we can all agree feeling loved and appreciated is much more important than having your own room and expensive hobbies,

I’m sorry you had a different type of childhood, so did I, but to minimise him feeling like he was never prioritised and has felt unsupported by his family just because his parents had money is unfair. I think it’s common for older children to feel like they got the raw end of the deal, but just because it’s common and the parents did their best it’s better to acknowledge that there’s some truth in what he’s saying rather than calling him ungracious.

Parents aren’t perfect and we all have some kind of trauma from childhood (or at least everyone I know does lol). But OP has admitted that he’s not making up what he’s saying, it happened. Then it’s been compounded by his sister falling out with him, and his mum and dad not having his back when his sister was bringing his ex round all the time slagging him off.

OP it’s great that you’ve reflected and are able to apologise sincerely. I think that will go a long way. Or at least it should

The update about DD's comments about the girl are quite revealing. I assume she is aware of the estrangement between her db and family. Why would she want to further antagonise her brother? I would be shutting that kind of talk down immediately. I don't think it's ever a good sign when a sibling talks badly about a new gf or bf without even getting to know them. In addition it's really not a good sign that one child views themselves as the favourite.

Have you read OP updates?
There does seem to be a pattern of him being expected to fall in line with siblings needs and demands. He's not gone NC, he's telling them how it felt and feels to be in his shoes.

Your draft message may not be received in the way you intend. You could send a simpler message with less opportunity to nit-pick which words you did or didn't choose. Just something like how you and your husband are sorry about how upset your son is, you've been thinking about the things your son said and if he wants to talk, you're always available.

Completely agree.

You need more than 'a conversation' you need to make sure she keeps any bitchiness to herself.

I think she sounds like a bit of a stirrer - maybe feels threatened by the fact her brother is a more functional adult, living on his own, good job, savings, going travelling, new girlfriend, etc.

I wondered in fact whether @alizea has ever actually heard from the horse's mouth (eg, the ex herself) that her son treated her badly?

Or is this account all coming second hand from the shit-stirring, TikTok stalking daughter?

I wouldn’t go with an in-depth letter.

A simple apology, recognition his feelings are understandable and an eagerness to talk whenever he is ready will suffice.

Wish him well on his travels and let him experience this new adventure knowing he is loved, heard and supported.

OP - agree with the others that your handling of the breakup is close to unforgiveable. No wonder he is so hurt. I am sure that if it was reversed, DD1 would never have had to come home and find her ex there.

How would you have felt if it was your own home, or are boys just expected to have less feelings?

Do send him a message apologizing but for the apology to be real, you need to ban his ex from your house. And that means not pandering to DD1 who comes across really badly.

I think it's awful you still have his ex over and didn't take his side.

I don't think I would be comfortable coming to my childhood home if my parents still hanged out with my ex.

Surely your DD1 can go visit her friend instead of having her over at your house?

Your DD1 needs to be told to stop being so bitchy.

I think your apology without actually any action (e.g. not having his ex over to your house) is pointless.

First of all thank you for being open and honest with us about how you feel, that means a lot to us and I'm glad you feel able to do so. Both dad and I want to unequivocally apologise for the handling of the break up. We did not consider your feelings as we should have and we are sorry for how hurtful that must have been

Like hell would I send that!! He's honestly a spoiled brat, and now you are going to grovel to him, when you've done nothing wrong. To ban your daughter's friend from the house would have been more drama at that time. You were stuck in the middle!

Poor boy, living in his 5 bedroom house, with a bedroom of his own, with all his toys, his trampoline, his presents, and his extra curricular activities. Fuck me. He needs to spend a year as a police officer or a social worker, and let a dose of reality slap him in the face. There are thousands of kids who have literally nothing. Parents have no jobs or money. They live in squalor, in bedsits covered in mould, they have no toys, no proper bed (let alone a bedroom), no presents at Christmas, and no food in the fridge. Their parents are either trying, or don't give a shit. Often hooked on drugs, or alcohol. No University for these kids, no gap years, no £50k inheritances to blow in Thailand. Yes, I've seen this with my own eyes, many many times. Ooft, I'm actually getting really angry on your behalf!

But here is your cherub, naval gazing, and moaning about his upbringing. Please, please don't cow tow to him, or he will just think he's right.

I'm just thinking back a few generations, about what Grandad would have done, if my Dad had spoken to his Mam like that. My Grandad would have grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and he would have said, "how dare you upset your Mam like that".......and my Dad would have listened.

We have all become too soft, and I include myself in that!! I've been far too lenient with my two. I don't get much respect. Their Dad (we are not together), has given them so much less, in time and money, and guess what, he is on a pedestal. Go fucking figure.

Your DD23 sounds like a massive issue here, she's overly involved in her brothers personal life and tbh sounds like a shit stirrer.
You admit she's the most demanding, has social anxiety, reading between the lines she seems very manipulative and is likely using her SA to have you make her the centre of attention, no wonder your DS is staying away.
I do agree he's harassing to claim he's been neglected, I wish I'd been 'neglected' like him

*grasping not harassing

I don't think it's the same person. That young lad was already over in Australia

If she does as you suggest, she'll have no relationship with her son. She'll just have that feeling of self-righteousness to keep her warm at night.

I would try and view this as a phase he is likely to grow out of. Don't make a big deal about it. I would consider sending him a loving, supportive letter - staying relatively neutral on the accusations he has made but just that you are very sad that he feels this way and it was never your intention, you were just doing your best at the time. I would tell him you will of course honour his wishes and will be here for him if he needs you at any time during his travels. That you love him and only ever want him to be happy and the for the best for him. Keep it positive and supportive.

Then you have to let it play out I think in the hope he will come to his senses. Get on with your own lives. I think we can all be arses in our early to mid-twenties but most people soften towards their parents as they get older and less self absorbed.

@Butchyrestingface yes! She does sound like a stirrer. I wonder if she is actually enjoying the estrangement.

I’ve had bad anxiety at times and that has included social anxiety. I’m pretty sure that in that state the last thing I would’ve wanted was confrontation, drama and friction with those closest to me.

I know someone who says she has SA and we all have to pussyfoot round after her. After a while we just worked out that she’s just massively selfish!

He sounds like he's felt pushed out for years, compounded with his ex being at you house whenever he came home. Good for him for doing so well and living his life and seeing the world while your SAHDD giggled and bitched with you and her mate about his broken heart. I'd not want to say much about my new girlfriend or contact you either if I were him.

I honestly can’t imagine though, popping home in the time after a big breakup (the breakups in the 20s are awful for young people, so much at stake) and walking into my house and seeing MY EX SITTING ON MY PARENTS SOFA like a full on cuckoo in the nest, and beside her my sister weaving her manipulative web around everything!

He has made a very rational decision to distance himself from this very toxic situation.

So your daughter has social anxiety, but seems also to be an arch social operator, in that she has bent you to always prioritising her and pecked her brother out of the circle? Do you actually think you’re doing the best by her by not pushing her out of the nest a bit more? It sounds like she rules the roost and will be there for life. I would think as detachedly as you can, it sounds like she has you all dancing to her tune.

Very difficult when your children date their sibings’ friends - mine are close in age and it happened a few times. Whoever you ‘side’ with you are going to be wrong, and you are the convenient person to heap all the blame on

He sounds like a spoilt tool tbh.

Someone close to me is like this too - claims she has all sorts of MH issues, all self-diagnosed, and all reasons why everyone else (including people with actual MH issues) need to treat her with kid gloves/give her money. When pushed to go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants/therapy if she really is struggling as much as she claims, she refuses, because it's obviously all bullshit. I recently had a diagnosis for adult ADHD and lo and behold, she is now claiming to have ADHD. Self-diagnosed, natch.

The OP's DD1 sounds like she could be from the same mould.

My parents would say that they absolutely did not favour any one sibling over another and that we had a good childhood, but they would be absolutely wrong! they definitely favoured our brothers over us, and although we always had every material we needed and we weren't abused, I would say we were emotionally neglected. Just because OP doesn't think her son has a point about his childhood, doesn't mean it's true, and nobody on here can know either way.

I'd say the best thing to do is respect his wishes. if you can follow him on Instagram, you'll know he's still okay, so just give him the break he's asked for and hopefully things will improve eventually.