DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

Wow, did you really not go back? I'm not saying what they did was right but trawling through toys and giving some away, to charity etc, is something I suspect most parents do.

You say they didn't acknowledge/apologise but, seeing it from their point of view, if they were doing a bit of a clear out as you'd left home (for uni or whatever) they probably didn't think this was anything wrong. So when you then stop visiting, they probably thought you were in the wrong possibly?

Why didn't you say you were upset about the toys? I don't understand why people wouldn't bring these things up at the time.

I was very open with my parents and my kids are with us now - they complain etc and we realise that sometimes there is a grey area but we do discuss it!

Yes this is DD who is almost 23.

She has social anxiety and we will never kick our children out of the family home so she is welcome to live here as long as she likes. She is definitely our most demanding child though.

Didn't you post about this last week?

I'm really sorry - this is going to sound harsh - but you've burnt your bridges on that front. It really isn't surprising that he doesn't want you to meet her, or know anything about her, seeing as you're still in cahoots with his ex, who shagged around and broke his heart.

Let him go and grow up. Respect his wishes and when he realises that he is a privileged tW@* he will be back and hopefully realising all you have done for him. Honestly, this generation growing up I really fear for their resilience and entitled behaviour. I hold on to the hope that Snowflakes will not prosper in life. How has been able to get to this point in life, going to Uni in the first place is a privilege not a right and he might get to visit those countries that demonstrate exactly that. Sorry this has got me riled for you OP. My DS is 19 and ill be more prepared now for this attitude and self absorbed claptrap!

I haven't posted before.

Let him enjoy his life. Life only comes around once. Be supportive of him. He is financially prepared, and sounds sensible. He's got plenty of time to settle down when he's older. I wish I'd done something like this, but I didn't. You'll only push him away.

He may think you wouldn't be interested in getting to know her because you're still so enmeshed with his ex. Let's face it, any new girlfriend he brings home is going to be problematic with his sister hating on him and the ex still popping round every five mins.

He is an adult. This is so controlling. He obviously decided he doesn't want you near her. Accept it.

I really feel for your son. Breakups can be horrific, and this one sounds really conflict-filled. On top of losing someone he loved, it will have been a big shift in his day to day life, his future plans, possibly his friendship group too. The one place that he should have been able to get unconditional safety and support, his family home, had his ex in and out of it, dripping accusations about him into his sister's ear, accusations which his mum accepted as equally valid to what he was telling her.

That feels like a big betrayal to me. I really hope you can listen and reflect on how it felt from his side, and in time rebuild the relationship. It's a really good sign that he's telling you this - it means that, though angry and needing space, he still values his relationship with you.

This sounds like exactly the right tone to me. Hope it lands well.

Sorry OP but I can understand your son feeling that his family don’t care about him. I thought he was being a brat until I read your updates.
He has a traumatic (to him) breakup with his girlfriend and his family still welcome this girl into his home. He may not live there now but it’s still his harbour. Okay so his sister blames him for the breakup but it’s nothing to do with her. She could just as easily have met the friend at the friend’s house or gone out for a coffee, but instead his parents take sides with her by allowing her into their house instead of saying, let’s put a little distance between us so that son can see we are supporting him. So, yes I do think you have let him down.

Definitely need a conversation with DD1 too as she is already “bad talking” this girl based just on her TikTok!

@alizea What do you really want from all this? If you want to be ‘right’, then carry on. If you want it to be your son, then you have to recognise that he, on some level, does not feel loved and supported by you.

There is a tiny window of time here when you can do something. It might be a significant conversation. It might be visiting him where he lives. It might be arranging something that is emotionally significant for you both. It might be some other gesture. But you need to be the one to take an emotional risk in doing so for it to have any meaning.

You need to pull yourself out of your usual ‘the kids are alright and we did the best we could’ mentality and seriously consider what you can do to connect with him. Otherwise, before you know it, he will be back from his travels, settling down, prioritising his own partner and letting the family relationship lapse. At that point you will try to connect or reach out to him, but he just won’t be that bothered. You will find that the door will be closed.

Trust me, I know: one of my parents treated me very badly in my teens in several different ways, outright rejected me as a young adult (in writing!) and now seems surprised that I am not more keen to go and visit them in their old age, hundreds of miles away. There are things that they could have done differently at the time, but now it is way too late. I do visit occasionally, but it is more out of duty than from any emotional pull.

That's good.

Are you going to tell him ex will not be welcome in the family home for the foreseeable?

You need to shut that down today. Tell her you are not interested in hearing her opinion on a girl none of you know but which her brother clearly likes. If she persists, leave the room.

Does she even care how upset you are that your son wants to go no contact with you and his dad?

I'm sorry, but I can't see where he was neglected. Your children have had a privileged upbringing. It may seem normal to most on here, but to me the fact that they grew up in a 5-bedroom house and each had their own bedroom, regardless of the size, is massive. They all had piano lessons, played expensive sports if they wanted, each had as many toys as they desired and, on the whole had parents who could attend their nativity plays and ferry them from piano lessons etc. It sounds as though they were also supported in their academic endeavours. Material comfort isn't everything, but it goes a long way to feeling secure, supported and cared for, which is what all your children were.

I want to cry when I think of my own childhood in comparison. I never had my own bedroom. I had hardly any toys and had to help my mum out as much as I could, which meant that I had to help with picking up my younger sibling from school. I ironed all my own clothes for school, helped my mother out with housework, washing etc. My single mother was always busy working minimum wage jobs to make ends meet and even going to Parent-teacher evenings was a struggle for her, let alone to any performances or sports. I did well academically going to on to gain a PhD and a fairly good career.

As for the business with the ex, it sounds messy but not your fault that DD sided with his ex who sounds like a best friend of hers.

As your son has adopted this ungracious attitude I don't think there is anything that you can do because pointing out these privileges isn't going to make a blind bit of difference. People here saying that neglect is relative are, to my mind, misguided. Neglect is neglect and your son was not neglected. It would be great if, while on his travels, he volunteered to work with kids who don't have anywhere near the care that he received. I'm sure it would give him food for thought.

Perhaps in the future if he gets to have three children of his own it will be brought home to him how difficult it is to juggle and how well you actually did.

No, I didn't go back. I probably did say something at the time, but I don't remember now. I didn't have a good relationship with them - I'd never got on with my stepdad, who was a massive control freak. He couldn't wait to see the back of me and made that very clear. They didn't bother visiting me at university, never rang me, didn't support me financially (at a time, pre university fees, when it was the norm for parents to do so), and a bunch of other stuff, and basically that was the last straw. I just left - I'm not one for big scenes and it was pointless, they'd just have got defensive anyway. I'm a bit sad I've never been close to my parents, but it was their choice and it is what it is. As I've said upthread, I'm sure they have a completely different take on it. I was repeatedly told I was 'difficult' and 'selfish' - I'm neither of those things, but it's taken me a lot of my adult life to work that out!

All the bedroom and lift stuff is the least of it, deep down he is really upset this ex is still round your house. No way could you have forbidden your DD to have her as a friend but why couldn’t your DD just have gone to her house.

All the tit for tat between them, none of you know what went on really, just the two of them.

You admit it was a bad break up and he went travelling in an attempt to heal himself. That’s a big indication of how much he was hurting. His whole family are being sociable with the girl who broke his heart in his family home. That is your mistake.

That could seem like a job interview ''Are you good enough for our son?''...{especially with the 23 year old daughter earwigging}

That would be massively off-putting for anyone.

You have to treat your DC equally down to the last blade of grass.

Each child is different, and each one needs different things from you. I would not allow one to suck all the energy out of me at the expense of the others. You need to communicate what you are doing with them.

So, when my DC2 told me “DC one gets all the attention”, I told him that his brother needed me a bit more at the moment as he’s doing his GCSE’s/A’levels/moving to Uni. When that’s done, it’s your turn, we are going to do this and this together. I meant it and I’m doing it.

I’ve asked both mine if they think I treat them fairly and they pretty much say back to me what I’ve said, yes I do, they need more from me at different times, they get it.

You will reap what you sow. Pay up when they are young, or pay for it the rest of your life.

That isn't funny. Again, no wonder your son is shutting you lot out. Your DD is clearly a large part of the problem. Also - have you ever thought that she might be weaponising her social anxiety to get more out of you? She sounds like a massive narcissist tbh.

I wouldn't want to impugn the new girl's character, but if she's got wind that your son is worth £75k+, he should be careful of being scammed!

In a way the more I read the more I can see where he is coming from. You made some poor decisions when he was a child that made him feel rubbish. He sensed some pandering to the other children, felt like he was put out for their wants/ needs and he wasn't wrong at times. There's not much you can do now but think about how these subtle things impact on feelings and hopefully others will consider this too if they are doing similar things with younger ones at the moment.

That's sounds very hard op.
I have a 23 year old son who's just come back from Thailand with his mates. They can be very private about who they're with. We daren't ask too many questions.
I've been accused of not being the best parent. I apologised. Cried and now we've moved in.
Give him the space while he's travelling. When he's back I'd have a king chat with him.
Also, could you have more conversations with him before he goes... to get some clarity?x