DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

@oakleaffy
I think he was considering this but has decided to travel instead. His argument is he can make money again but he won't always have the time/energy to travel.

Their break up sounds a completely normal part of early 20s adulthood and just v unfortunate she was close and in and out of your house. I can imagine how hard that was for him
.But !! Just one of those things where it was nobody's fault. And he will.grow to see that as an adult.

You could always say look sorry if we weren't considerate enough at the time we tried to stay out it it hut can see it might have hurt imagining her bending our ear

I would stay calm just tell him you love him..miss him and will see him.when he is back

Or maybe you were so focused on his sisters that you didn't really know or hear him or he knew not to ask or want.

He didnt get the biggest bedroom, what a fucking melt.

See this makes me feel a bit sad bc we did this to the eldest. Except he knew about it - I think the key here is they just did it without informing you.

We have 4 dc's and when eldest went to uni it made no sense to have his larger room sat empty for months at a time. Also his furniture was pretty crap and needed replacing so we bought him new for his new room and it was also a disgusting tip which he never cleaned or tided so a lot of his stuff was thrown out. Obviously nothing I thought he'd want to keep.

I hope he doesn't look back on it as we turfed him out of his room though,
I think sometimes we look back on situations putting our own spin/narrative into it to justify how we're feeling. I know I'm guilty of doing it with my own parents. (Not saying that's the case with you!)

I suspect there is a bit of cause and effect here.

If a child is at the age for Lego, they are too old for dolls prams, high chairs etc. What toys did your DS play with as a toddler? And, to be honest if Lego was taking up less space, that suggests you are not leaving the made models on display (my DS is an adult and we have shelves and shelves of things) which is in itself saying something.

"Stuff" fits the space available. You could have chosen not to buy such big items, or to store them elsewhere than the bedroom.

Have you thought that he may just not want you involved with his new GF? His last one still goes round your house, is believed ahead of him, and is his sisters BF. You all know too much. You are in each others pockets.

If I was him I wouldn’t want to introduce any of you to her. I’d keep her away from you all. It’s too much drama and aggro.

She’s not dodgy. He just doesn’t want you to meet her. Your DD is already stalking her on Instagram to see what she’s like and is commenting on her.

God, the drama. 🎭

I think you've raised a really sensible young man. He sounds like a son to be very proud of.

The more I read, the more I feel sorry for your DS. Frankly your DD1 sounds horribly spoiled and entitled and that your household has revolved around her and her wants and her opinions. I hope you can claw back a relationship with your DS but you'll have to put down boundaries with her and her friend first. Will you do that, or will you worry she'll kick off?

@AnonymousBleep similar. My parents didn't give away my bedroom, but they started to rearrange the furniture and my mother started storing her stuff in my wardrobe. I didn't know until I came home one weekend and saw it. It made me really unwelcome. I hated that it was just imposed upon me, no talking about it, and I certainly wasn't allowed to have an issue with it. But they still wanted me to come home at every opportunity and keep me close.

Maybe speak to him! My parents chucked out a load of toys that I'd kept in pristine condition because I wanted to hand them onto my own kids one day. I was heartbroken. They've never apologised or even acknowledged doing this. In my case, rightly or wrongly (pretty much rightly, I still think) it gave me the message that I no longer had a place at home, so I never went back.

I'm going to craft a message with DH and send it to DS, mainly reflecting on our response to the break up being wrong.
It's not clear what you're actually going to do here, whether you're going to apologise unreservedly or just bring it all up again. If you do this, please don't go with an invalidating non-apology like "I'm sorry if you felt XXX but we YYY..."

I'm sorry you went through that too. That Larkin poem - ' they fuck you up your mum and dad, they don't mean to but they do' - has gone through my head for years!

I plan to just be apologetic and reflect on our wrong doings. I won't say "sorry you felt like", I'm thinking of something along the lines of

First of all thank you for being open and honest with us about how you feel, that means a lot to us and I'm glad you feel able to do so. Both dad and I want to unequivocally apologise for the handling of the break up. We did not consider your feelings as we should have and we are sorry for how hurtful that must have been .... I'll add more but haven't thought it all out yet.

This is true. It's not surprising he doesn't want his parents to meet her, given what happened last time.

Or maybe it's not the parents he's keeping her away from, but the sister? She sounds like she lacks emotional intelligence.

Gosh sorry to hear this.

Did your parents (or parent/step parent) really just chuck your stuff into a different room/space and not tell you they were doing this, i.e. you came home and had no idea this would happen?

Also I'm not saying we want to meet her, but it would be nice to know a little about the person he will be spending the next year with, where she is from, what she does/studied etc.

Oh my goodness...this makes things infinitely clearer.

My son split up from his first long term relationship, and he definitely needed the emotional support of me at the time.

That must have been incredibly hard to have had his mother and sister and the ex all taking her side, and him being out in the cold.

He would have felt like no one had his back at all in that relationship, when this girl has been unfaithful and shagging around, you still favoured her over him?

Imagine how you would feel, @alizea if your husband was to have been unfaithful , and everyone took his side as they ''liked him''.

It does sound like the daughters are favoured, the more that you say I feel that he actually does have a reason to feel pushed out emotionally.

Yes that's mean I agree. I'm a sentimentalist myself so toys etc are all stored in the garage for future generations. I do get that things that were rubbish to me though may have meant something to him however he seemed pleased with his new room when he came home and didn't mention anything was missing.

Id never want my dc's to feel they weren't welcome at home and I'm sorry that happened to you.

Yes. They chucked all my stuff out completely. I had no idea they were doing any of this.

DD1 often jokes she's the favourite.

Is this the middle child, the one 2 years younger than your DS, with the ex/BF?

If so, then I think you need to be focusing on the behaviour of this DD to be honest. My DH’s sister says “she’s the favourite”. It’s not funny.

I’d actually be mortified if my parent favoured me over my brothers I’d tell them to stop and I certainly wouldn’t be joking about it. It’s immature, it’s selfish and it’s divisive.

I think you have a DD23 issue more than anything else. Isn’t it time she moved out and took her soap opera with her?

Have you ever read 'the missing reasons' about estranged parent child relationships?

You aren't in that situation of course, but I do think it might be helpful to read the piece and reflect on it.

https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

There is one line in it that I think applies well in this context

"Saying, "I don't understand the problem" when you really mean, "I don't agree this is a problem" will not make the problem go away. It will make the person who DOES think it a problem go away."

Your son is giving you the gift of telling you he is hurt and telling you how to fix it, don't let your own ego get in the way of that.

I had a similar thing...left home at 17 and lots of my treasured items thrown out.

First of all thank you for being open and honest with us about how you feel, that means a lot to us and I'm glad you feel able to do so. Both dad and I want to unequivocally apologise for the handling of the break up. We did not consider your feelings as we should have and we are sorry for how hurtful that must have been .... I'll add more but haven't thought it all out yet.

I think that's a fantastic start - brought a tear to my eye!