DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

Id wave him off , say the 'right' things and I think before you know it he'll be getting in touch. He'll reflect and hopefully realize he had a good life and is fortunate, misses his family etc.

It must have been really hurtful for your son to try and surprise you with visits home to find is ex sitting there; it would have felt awkward and embarrassing, especially knowing his parents always back his sister and now even her friends are seen as a priority. We wouldn't feel welcome or comfortable in your home.

He's obviously a hard worker. financially independent and doesn't feel emotionally supported by your family. He's met someone new who is supportive and encouraging with no hidden agenda, just willing to go on a big adventure.

You need to look at it objectively; a financially independent 25 year old who feels unsupported by his parents, uncomfortable around his sister and unwelcome in their home will not be prioritising those people's needs unless he feels a strong loving connection.

If you want regular contact you'll need to try to see things from his point of view, be completely honest and transparent and address the past issues now because once he goes overseas that emotional distance will just increase.

Did the DD’s have their own bathrooms too as-well as the bigger rooms?

Did DS have to share a bathroom?

I agree with @Toucanfusingforme

Sorry op but I can see exactly why your ds is acting like this, I imagine he not only needs space and a period of no contact as he's hurting, but also a way to show you how hurt he is. It could even be a type of punishment as he knows it will hurt you, but I think you need to listen to him and respect his wishes.

Perhaps ask him to have a talk about things before he leaves and ask him what you can do to improve the relationship and repair some of the damage. Listen, apologise and reassure him how much he's loved and how proud of him you are, make sure you focus on him as a person though, not just his independence or academic or career achievements. I don't think he feels seen as a person, more like the eldest child role model child that had a very different experience growing up as the eldest and male, to his younger sisters.

I really feel for him, I know all about sibling favouritism. Hopefully you can repair the damage to the relationship and perhaps even suggest going for some therapy together if that's something he'd be interested in. Not sure when though if he's off travelling soon. Has he still got a good relationship with your youngest dd?

I don't think my girls do think he is the favoured one. DD1 often jokes she's the favourite.

I'm going to craft a message with DH and send it to DS, mainly reflecting on our response to the break up being wrong.

It was hard at the time as he was telling us she cheated, didn't care I was studying, I did everything I could and she still left and at the same time DD was spending every night going "he did this and he didn't really love her and she never cheated he lied, he kissed a girl in the club, he's selfish etc. Obviously we should have just told DD we didn't want to know and that it didn't matter the rights and wrongs. Thinking more I'm worried that his ex actually did treat him poorly but because I like her and DD is so close to her I chose not to see that and that is really unfair of me.

I suspect there is a massive backstory. The son is likely only starting to make sense of how he felt as a child. The bigger rooms and more stuff for the girls are just a fraction of what must have been going on. It isn't about the rooms, it is about how all this made him feel. And he's entitled to feeling the way he feels.

He's 25.

Do not do this under any circumstances. Emotional blackmail and passive aggression are not the way forward.

All 3 shared a bathroom.

This is quite a sad thread and there are a lot of thought provoking posts. Learning from my own relationship with my parents, I think just listening to your dc's feelings is extremely important. You don't have to agree or disagree, just let them feel heard.

Also sounds like he's burnt out after the years of studying and really needs this break away from everything and everyone

And why did the girls have 'more stuff' anyway? Presumably because their parents bought them more stuff. It didn't just materialise out of nowhere!

Agree - there's definitely a much bigger backstory than we're getting. There's a lot of minimising going on by the OP - pointless if she actually wants to fix the relationship with her son. But I suspect she's actually more worried about having her self-image as a good parent damaged.

He's an adult, earning a living.
He'll do what he chooses, anyway.
And it's not "privileged children" turning onto parents, in my experience it's adults who finally realise after years of blaming themselves that their parents were shit and they want to be free from them as human beings.
Obviously not referring to OP.

Also all the posters outraged about letting his ex come to the house seem to be missing that 'banning' her would have meant DD couldn't have her friend to the house she lived in.

The same friend who has been melting the sister's ears with stories of how awful her brother is, which has now seriously damaged the sibling relationship.

The sister not having her friend in the house is simply a consequence of the friend deciding to have a relationship with friend's brother and then a messy break up. That's the risk the friend ran. So did he - but it's HIS family and not hers.

All because he 'popped in' unannounced a couple of time s a year.

He'd maybe visit more frequently if he could be confident the ex who hates him wouldn't be there.

I would be worried. Especially as he seems so guarded about the new girlfriend. But the more you try to fight this, the more he will pull away

I don't think the gf is anything to worry about at all. It seems pretty obvious he's trying to keep her away from his family partly because of the overly enmeshed situation with his ex and also partly to punish them.

From what you've said she sounds normal and quite honestly, it's his prerogative to keep her under wraps for now.

My ds 16 has had a couple of gf's whom we've never met as he's a bit shy and were a loud family. I respect his privacy.

Great advise!

You must be able to see his point then. The girls know they're the favourite. You siding with his ex because she's close to your daughter while his heart was breaking - that's pretty unforgivable tbh. First love and first heartbreak is a big deal. Why didn't you just believe him? Sorry but you're reaping what you've sown here.

I didn’t miss it. I’ve got 4 dc and 3 have done music exams in 4 different instruments. I know you can reorganise them. You don’t actually have to do them at all. I know you chose not to and that’s fine but let’s not pretend it wasn’t a choice. They also aren’t very long but I appreciate travel time is a factor. I know what a ballache it is with lots of kids doing lots of things but sometimes you need to say to “sorry, I can’t do that because your brother already needs me to do something with him”. Not always but sometimes. You don’t pick the same kid to miss out every time.

The stuff issue is complicated. DS was never really into toys, he loved Lego but that was really it. The play kitchen lived downstairs and was shared but he was never interested in the dolls etc. on the flip he used the trampoline the most, that was his gift and the girls hardly used it. We always got them the same amount of stuff but 5 lego sets don't take up the same space as a dolls pram, high chair, dolls cot, dolls house etc.

As they got older DS did expensive sports and often asked for sports equipment as gifts or to go to sport events (so he got tickets to go to the football or rugby or tennis with us and DD would get toys). It was meeting their different wants.

That's really sensible to recognise that and be able to accept it. I'd definitely include that in your letter. I'd also bring up with your DD that she'll need to meet her friend away from your home from now on, even with your son away because your home is his home as well. Remind your DD that your son is your absolute priority, no matter how much you personally like her friends. It wouldn't hurt to let your DD know that he's just as important to you as she is, no matter how much it's been the family joke that she's the favourite.

It was hard at the time as he was telling us she cheated, didn't care I was studying, I did everything I could and she still left and at the same time DD was spending every night going "he did this and he didn't really love her and she never cheated he lied, he kissed a girl in the club, he's selfish etc. Obviously we should have just told DD we didn't want to know and that it didn't matter the rights and wrongs. Thinking more I'm worried that his ex actually did treat him poorly but because I like her and DD is so close to her I chose not to see that and that is really unfair of me.

Tell him this then, just admitting; you were wrong will probably be hugely therapeutic for him. Don't bring what your dd said into it though, you don't want to damage their relationship any further.

Agree! I reckon he feels that you don't really value him or mind whether he's there or not. He's about to do some extended travelling. If he leave lines of connection open and then doesn't hear from you enough, or only hears from you if he initiates it, that's really going to hurt him. So he's closing down connection with you whilst he's away pre-emptively. Then he can tell himself that he's not hearing from you because he decided that he didn't want to.

Also, I think he's excluding you from his life for this period because he wants you to have a sense of his feelings of not being welcome or valued. It doesn't mean you don't welcome or value him, OP, but now is the time to show it rather than allowing yourself to be provoked into being punitive or distant, which will be taken as proof that you don't care.

I've read the whole thread. What jumps out at me is that you've been given some really good advice from others who actually read the whole thread, and some fantastic insight into what is going on and why this is happening.
The question is, OP, what are you going to do next? Say nothing and let him go off thinking you still don't get it, or some sort of apology to maybe build bridges for when he gets back, or something else entirely?

But they already had the bigger bedrooms? Or did you move your son into a smaller room to accomodate their stuff?

It really sounds like you're minimising here. I've been on the receiving end of what your son has experienced (I'm also the oldest child of three) and it really hurts tbh.

And why did the girls have 'more stuff' anyway? Presumably because their parents bought them more stuff. It didn't just materialise out of nowhere!

OP said they had bigger toys like dolls houses and dolls prams. I would imagine in a fairly gendered home, which this does sound like, the boy might receive outdoor toys and computer games and equipment which might take up less space in his room or live in the garage (bikes, skateboards, etc), while the girls are
given books, jewellery boxes, soft toys etc. I don’t think they actually received more gifts than the son.

Some of the other issues are fair enough, like the ex girlfriend, and maybe DD1 needs reminding that her brother is her brother and her friend isn’t necessarily going to be truthful about the end of the relationship BECAUSE she wants to keep the friendship and can’t risk being seen as the witch who broke the brother’s heart. But if OP feels now that they weren’t as caring to DS as they could have been, that’s a good place to start. Not to parade it but to acknowledge the hurt and apologise with no expectation.

If he is wise, he should put a large chunk of that down as a house deposit. £125k in savings at 25 is a lot.