DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

I would say you respect his need for space but ask him if he can message you once a fortnight just to let you know he is safe. A quick acknowledgement and nothing more. I can't imagine how that is unreasonable.

Do you ever tell him that? That you're so proud of him for being so independent?

It must feel to him like you've all continued on with family life and don't even notice he's gone.

I would be inclined to pin him down before he goes by saying 'Can I just clarify that you do not wish to be contacted whilst you are away for any reason. So if for example either your father or I were to be diagnosed with cancer, or if your grandmother were to pass away, or your sister be hospitalised following an accident, then you don't want to know. Is this correct?'

He already told us we could message him if there were an emergency.

This is what comes over strongly, based on all the OPs comments. It sounds like the girls were fussed over and babied whereas he was supposed to “man up” from a young age. I feel really sorry for the poor lad. It sounds like the girls came first and he was just supposed to suck it up. And different ages is not enough of an excuse to explain it. No wonder he’s a bit pissed off. All you can do is from now on is to be scrupulously fair, and even favour him at times.

Don't do this - it sounds really manipulative. He's said you can follow him on Instagram, that'll be enough of a way to see that he's safe and ok. You can message on that if there's an emergency.

Respect his wishes and leave him be. I think giving him a travel gift and telling him how proud you are of him and his independence before he goes is a good idea. Maybe tell him something like "I wish dd's were more independent like you, you have turned into a young man we are super proud of and we know you'll make good decisions when travelling". Tell him you're there to talk when he's ready.

I think a lot of posters are getting hung up on the "who is right" and "who is wrong" but, if you want a relationship with your son, that doesn't matter. What matters is that he is hurting.

Can I suggest that before he goes you:

• tell your daughter her friend/his ex is banned from the house
• tell your son that you've done this
• sit your son down and tell him you love him, you made some mistakes and you can see that, and you are proud of him and you will always love him
• tell him you will try to do better and you hope he can he be honest with you.

This sums it up pretty well for me.

The first time cycling on an electric ⚡️ car 🚘 in

Don't compare the DDs and say "I wish they were like you" - it is another way of inadvertently playing favourites/will be seen that way.

You can be proud of him on his own terms, not by compqrison to his sisters.

You can say there were things you got right with him, and things you got wrong, and similarly with his sisters, but in different ways. But don't set it up as a compare and contrast of what qualities you like or prefer.

Have you told him adult to adult that babies don’t come with a manual and you were the best parents you could be to him. That you changed with experience and your family context and resources changed over time? Tell him you’re sorry for the ways he lost out while you were learning to parents but also that you’re very very proud of him. And that you’ll give him the space he wants and always be there for him if he wants to message or call and when he returns and that you love him and always will.

I see so many mums favouring their girls over their sons and it really saddens me. Then they wonder why they don’t want to know them when older.

Boys aren’t that different. They get upset, have feelings, get anxious, need friends, and feel massive amounts of pain when in a breakup. On top of this your DS is in a house with 2 girls who are favoured over him in lots of ways. You probably thought “oh he won’t mind”. He did.

Your DD who has sided with her friend has backed the wrong horse. At some point that friend will move on, but he’ll always be her brother and she’ll quite possible have nieces and nephews. She should have stayed out of it. This all happened at Uni/ just after so your son would’ve been early 20’s. He’s a kid. It’s not a couple late 30’s with a couple of toddlers. There’s no baggage. Your DD(s) sound like they like the drama, and can I ask if you get involved with this?

Also, you can’t change a nativity or a sports match, but you can change a piano exam.

Your son is now a man, and he is saying he needs a break from studies/ work and from his family. That is really sad. He wants to go away and have a good time and I imagine not have to think about his sisters animosity towards him, or being at the bottom of the pecking order in his own family. I’ve been there. When I go away I tell my own extended family I’ll be uncontactable as I want to enjoy myself without their dramas popping up in my mind to ruin it.

He might come back to you when he is ready, is married, or has children. One of the issues we have now in our family is that my PIL and SIL are very upset with DH as he rarely bothers with them. He sees them twice a year. They openly favour his sister and she laps it up. In our household he’s top dog, respected and loved so why would he want to hang out with people who make him feel like a 2nd class citizen?

Whether your DC are boys or girls, there is 2 or 5 of them, you have to meticulously make sure they are treated equally and you check in with them to smash any brewing resentment.

I would be inclined to pin him down before he goes by saying 'Can I just clarify that you do not wish to be contacted whilst you are away for any reason. So if for example either your father or I were to be diagnosed with cancer, or if your grandmother were to pass away, or your sister be hospitalised following an accident, then you don't want to know. Is this correct?'

Christ how old are you? Even my 11 year old has more emotional intelligence than this.

Personally I wouldn't focus on the independence. Based on what OP's posted, he's had to learn to be independent and self reliant because, as a child, he couldn't always rely on his parents. This is not a positive thing.

My god, his reasoning. He needs a reality check.

I do agree with pp who have said some mums really do favour girls. I know a couple of families where that has happened and ultimately I think it's a negative for the daughter who grow up lacking independence and resilience IME.
However as someone has said on this thread, babies don't come with an instruction manual and when we look back, we do wonder if we should have done things differently. Ds 1 definitely had to do things more independently than his younger siblings as I was busy running after them. Ds1 recently told me he had to walk three miles to college one day when he realised he didn't have enough for the train fare. I said why didn't you call me and he said because you would have been taking dsis to school. He was laughing about it but I did feel guilty he didn't feel able to call me at the time. However he's turned out to be a resilient and independent person and we do tell him frequently we are proud of him for that.

I find threads like this tricky as I was treated differently from my brother and sister - kicked out of home at 18, not supported during university (actually I was a bit in the third year, but only because my sister had started by then and even they realised they couldn't support her and not me), never given any financial help, no phone calls unless I ring them, my kids ignored in comparison to their cousins etc etc. But I am sure my parents (well my mum and stepdad as my real dad is dead - the fact both my parents remarried is definitely a factor in this) would have a completely different perspective on this. I haven't ever said anything because a) I'm Gen X and the general attitude is to 'get on with things and don't make a fuss' and b) I do love them, even though they were pretty shit parents, to me anyway.

Your son sounds sensible, he's worked hard, saved money and clearly he knows how to look after himself. I do too - that's the upshot of being kicked out of home and having to fend for myself from a really young age. But it has damaged me emotionally, I have huge trust issues and depression/anxiety. But this isn't about me - your son can look after himself travelling. There's no real need to worry about that. You need to reflect on why he's said what he's said to you, and if you suspect, deep down, that there's a lot of truth in what he said, then it's up to you to rebuild that relationship - if you really do want what is best for him, and not just to be 'right.' As a parent, I'd always rather have good relationships with my kids than be 'right'. Good luck!

This is such a sad thread. A 25yo adult with his own life and money being made out to be difficult and a brat for wanting space from his parents. I applaud him for sharing how he felt with his parents and make known his wishes. The thread is full of defensive parents who struggle to see their adult children as their own people.

OP, your son sharing with you how he felt is the best thing that could have happened to you. He's given you the opportunity to reflect and show him that you are able to respect his boundaries (I hope you will anyway). This is your pain to deal with now, it is not on your son to check in with you whilst travelling because you can't bear anything else. Take this time to do some work on yourself, the kind of work that enables you to accept his feelings about his childhood. He has the monopoly on that, not you. You don't get a say in whether or not he's right to feel this way. His feeling aren't about material things, but about how the bigger rooms etc for his sister's made him feel.

He sounds like an intelligent and sensible man. Possibly he has met someone who treats him well and he's starting to realise what he didn't get as a child.

Absolutely awful of you to assume the girl is dodgy. Speaks volumes about you. And he's shown you photos and told you about her, which he didn't have to do, and you basically doubt his sanity. His feelings are completely justified just based on how you present on here.

Wonderful comment.

A lot of this seems to stem from control. Situations he can't control like the perceived favouritism, the ex, the different expectations of siblings. And perhaps feeling controlled re the spotless bedroom and ironing.

My advice is to let him have the control he wants now. Once he has it, he may relent.

I would be worried. Especially as he seems so guarded about the new girlfriend. But the more you try to fight this, the more he will pull away.

I once went through a time of worry about my son. I applied this corporate exercise I did at work where you write down as many options for what you can do where there are no boundaries. I had about 30 things. 29 were impossible. One remained: love him.

Sometimes that's all you can do.

I feel that you are being too accepting of his version of his childhood. In three-child families you often get the two-against-one dynamic. My best friend (girl/youngest) had it with her siblings (boys/older).

I'd be interested to know the girls' version of events - they probably think that he was the favoured one! Is he going to cut them off, too?

Just to add - I wasn't told I'd been kicked out at 18. I came home from university to find I no longer had a bedroom, it had been given to my sister and all my stuff chucked out. This might sound trivial to some but it was actually pretty devastating. I never returned home after that, apart from the odd night here and there. What your son describes as hard for him to deal with, that you are now minimising, like the bedroom stuff, might actually have been very hard for him indeed. Don't minimise his experience if you want a good relationship with him.

^^ This

Let;s hope that a year out travelling he'll grow up a bit and realise his resentments about his sisters are petty and silly. Maybe he'll get to talk to people who really have had difficult childhoods - I'd love him to talk to a few of the care leavers I know.

Also all the posters outraged about letting his ex come to the house seem to be missing that 'banning' her would have meant DD couldn't have her friend to the house she lived in. All because he 'popped in' unannounced a couple of time s a year.

Leave him to it and see how he is on his return.

The toy thing jumped out at me too. There was only two years between them – why did DD1 have so much more? Christmases and birthdays must've been pretty horrible for DS watching his sisters get so much more stuff.