DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

Yes, I can see that was a bit flippant. Hope it didn't offend too much.

There are a few positives here op

1. he's told you his plans.
2. he has is own money so won't need to make unsafe choices based on lack of finances.

3, the main positive that stands out to me is that he's allowing you to follow him on social media. He's not blocking you from knowing he's alive and he's actively suggested you follow him so you don't worry.

A loose 4 would be how much he's telling you/DH of why he feels let down etc

Honestly your ds's complaints about the favouritism growing up are pathetic. I wouldn't give them headspace. He sounds quite immature if he's holding on to those grudges at his age.
Regarding the break up with his ex, it was a terrible error of judgment to go out with a good friend of his dsis. There was always going to be a possibility they would break up and his dsis and you would be in an awkward position.
I think you should respect his wishes and give him space. However I would draw the line at following him on Instagram. I would imagine it would feel quite hurtful watching him on Instagram but not being allowed to communicate with him.

I think you missed a part on the nativity/game day front. I went to DD2's nativity, DH took DD1 to her piano exam, we can't be in 3 places at once. And I appreciate that it probably was unfair we got more relaxed over time, our expectations on DS were definitely higher than on DDs. However now they are adults I actually feel we did a better job with DS, he is independent, successful and confident. I wish we had expected more from our girls as comparably they struggle with things DS never did (DD still calls me asking what washing powder to get for example and has never lived away from home despite being 23 next month). I do get that it would have sucked for DS though.

I'd be worried too. You sound like caring parents. He's 25 you need to abide by his decision. Equally don't fund his trip. If he comes asking for money.

Not read the whole thread. As much as this would break my heart it sounds like some space would be a good thing. You can't move on from a break up if you go home to your "safe space" and your ex is there.

He's 25, intelligent and has money. Remind him to get good travel insurance, read the laws of the countries he's visiting and NEVER carry anything through customs for anyone else. Tell him you love him and to have a good time. Send a silent prayer to the Universe that he stays safe and then keep busy.

I think that the things he has told you about could hurt. I also think that your DS should get over himself, it sounds like he had supportive parents who kept him safe, loved him, gave him the tools and pushed him to succeed, which he has done.

I think that the volume of complaints is a smoke screen. He is pissed off about one of them, probably the break-up, and wants to punish you. The other things mentioned are just to make up the numbers and help him to justify his behaviour.

In your position I would say you understand that those things must have hurt, wish him a safe trip and hope it all goes ok.

It's hard to let go of something if it's still happening, and the sisters and even ex are higher up the pecking order than the son. That shines through OP's posts.

As an example, there have been a couple of times I've brought up things with my mother and it maintains the damage because the pattern keeps repeating, keeps disappointing and she keeps not supporting me. She gaslights, shuts down anything that doesn't suit her narrative.

I was recently diagnosed with a medical condition I've had all my life. I've been thinking about when it started and reflecting on my entire lifespan for possible signs. I was talking to my mother about this, thinking it's a fairly neutral subject, no accusations for something we didn't know, and I mentioned how I'd always had pain in the mornings as a teenager (she told me then it was anxiety though I didn't bring that up). She said very firmly she wasn't having this conversation and besides, she had taken me to a homeopath when I was 12! Lesson: I still can't talk to her, trust her to support me, and why do I bother because I just get disappointed. From now on I just stick to the weather.

In my experience all parents relax over time - it’s only natural. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a bit for the oldest child. Just wait until your DS sees how relaxed you are as grandparents! I had a decent childhood but it still stings a little watching my parents dote over my DC, buying them everything they want, never forcing them to have one more bite of broccoli.

The ex-girlfriend thing does seem pretty unfair but Op seems able to reflect.

“However now they are adults I actually feel we did a better job with DS, he is independent, successful and confident. I wish we had expected more from our girls as comparably they struggle with things DS never did (DD still calls me asking what washing powder to get for example and has never lived away from home despite being 23 next month). I do get that it would have sucked for DS though.”

I have been hard on you in my previous posts. I’m sure you got a lot right. But it’s good you acknowledge how this must have felt to him. Now seems like a good time to acknowledge that to him.

So the younger sister is only 2 years younger? How come you were much more relaxed with her then? You make it sound like there is a deceade between them and that you became more relaxed over time and you financial situation changed.

Also, your son might be independent and successfull but he's unhappy and feels unloved, surely that's much worse. He's most likely not actually confident, he's just not vulnerable to you so you wouldn't know because all you do is dismiss his feelings and try and explain why he shouldn't feel how he's feeling. Having a young man who is actually trying to open up to you to talk about things that matter is rare, you need to listen to him and start showing him that you love him.

Oh. Leave him to it and don’t pick up the pieces when he crawls back needing help.

Sounds like you have done something seriously wrong with this DD, 23, never living away from home and acting like this is pathetic of her.

Did the DD’s have their own bathroom too?

I highly suspect you favoured your daughters and continue to do so. Listen to what he's saying. Listen to him like you do your daughters.

I can see your son’s point. You do clearly favour your daughters and even your daughter’s friend. Imagine coming home twice after a break-up and your ex is there, being consoled by your own mum and sister whilst they blame you for the break-up.

Step away from the 'stuff' comment. I feel like that is a side issue.

The important thing here to me is he felt unsupported during a tough break up. You stayed 'neutral'. Your daughter sided with her best friend and fed you best friend version of break up. He sounds like he feels unheard and sidelined by his family. She's even there when he comes 'home '.

I don't blame him for wanting space and distance.

Perhaps during his travels it's time to address the imbalance and encourage the 23 yo to move out and become an adult.

I suspect our eldest feels the same way, but navel gazing is banned in our house. She knows I have absolutely always done my best. And I apologize whole heartedly when I get it wrong.

I'm afraid that the more of OP's posts I read, the more I am siding with the son. And this is based on OP's skewed version where she disagrees with him!

There was a good quote, perhaps on the Stately Homes thread, that someone posted that in some ways they wished their parents had beaten them up because everyone would agree that that was awful and of course it was understandable that they would want little to do with their parents. Whereas, if you have an outwardly privileged childhood, and it was no one "big thing" but a constant series of small things, no one "got it".

If I told you a few things about my childhood you would also tell me I was being silly and that my parents were doing my best and being a brat and none of this was worth worrying about. But the thing is that it wasn't just a few things. It was a thousand "little" things over and over, that no one even really noticed, that just became common place and part of the big picture.

This is one thing that sprung out of one of OP's posts
When DD1 was born we decided to have him keep his room as to a toddler we felt it would be worse kicking him out of his room for a new baby than just giving the baby a room he was seldom in anyway. When DD2 was born we moved DD1 into bedroom 2 as she was older and had bigger toys than DS ever did

So it was better to keep DS where he was when a new sibling arrived (concerns about disruption).
But somehow this concern didn't exist with DD1 and it made sense to move her. Why not move DS too at this point?

And DD1 had bigger toys (why? And why did they have to be kept in the bedroom? And aren't most things all shared toys really when you have young children?)

I don't think you've been unfair or unreasonable in continuing to allow your DD to have a guest who happens to be his ex girlfriend. That's really good modelling of how you wouldn't take sides and would maintain a relationship if he divorced etc. He seems to need a good dollop of perspective and travelling in fancy hotels around the world blowing £75k on partying with randoms won't give it....so it depends exactly what he plans to do and see/experience in these countries as to whether he'll come back having grown up.

I would just listen and try not to bite defensively, acknowledge how he feels and then hopefully he'll go to therapy at some point.

This thread is a warning to anyone considering three children especially with a medium age gap. So much of his "neglect" is basically reality with more than two children as you literally can't be in three places at once.

I had a very eventful, emotionally abusive parent but she won't acknowledge this and has never apologised. That's all it would take. To my own kids I make it clear that I'm not perfect but doing my best.

Can you send him a gift for travelling eg a travel diary to stick mementos etc and say you are sorry he feels the way he does and you would like to listen to him regarding what's happened when he feels ready. If my mum had acknowledged it years ago we could have talked about it and put it behind us (although she does still behave badly). By not discussing it it's got bigger and bigger and bigger and will never be resolved so it's always better to at least try and discuss it. I personally don't think many people say it for no reason and there is usually something behind it but not necessarily something that can't be worked out.

He's staying in hostels and backpacking, not sure why you think he's staying in fancy hotels?

I agree with a lot of what you’re saying about the therapy talk - some of my friends do this and congratulate one another for being “vulnerable” and I honestly think they need to get over themselves. However, Thailand is basically the go-to backpacking destination for many young people so I absolutely wouldn’t read anything into that.

Whoever is right or wrong doesn't really matter.

He is your son and you love him.

You haven't met (or haven't been able to meet) many of his wants in the past. So listen to what he wants now. Let him travel and have his space. There's nothing else you can do really.

If you feel it, tell him you are sorry for the unfairness and that you got things wrong. Let him go off feeling that he has been heard. Perhaps one day he will come back with an apology of him own.

Would he be prepared to keep another person/ relative updated on his whereabouts. He is very upset but surely he can see you’ll be worried sick not knowing where he is/ if he is ok. I would be inclined to keep emailing periodically just to say how much you love and miss him and if he needs anything you are there for him.

I was ghosted by a childhood friend - and I mean properly ghosted, contact cut, no discussion, nothing. I was completely heartbroken by this. My mother continued to keep in contact with my ex friend, including feeding information about my life to her, and even many years later, this is something I remember and makes me feel like 1) she isn’t really on my side, and 2) she isn’t really to be trusted. I did try and raise this once but all I got was tears and repeatedly ‘I didn’t do anything wrong’. No point bringing it up again, it’s just something I get to live with. And, as with the lens and passage of time, it’s clear this ex friend was and is a total narcissist. I have no doubt she was getting satisfaction of knowing that my mother had effectively chosen her - or not chosen me. I can say with total confidence that if I had gone to my parents during this time and she was there, I would be NC. No doubt you don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong either but I assure you, you have. How I feel about my mother is how your son feels about you. Something to ponder if you want him to return to the fold when he’s done travelling.