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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
OopsyDaisie · 22/01/2025 08:59

festivemouse · 22/01/2025 06:55

Sorry to hear that OP!

Why on earth is he following her on Instagram if he doesn't know her / it wasn't premeditated?

Whatever he tells you is his version of events. You won't ever know if it's the truth, but honestly people will admit to as little as they think they can get away with as a rule of thumb. Enough to pacify you, but not the full truth.

Why don't you want to leave him? He's a drug user and a cheat?

I totally agree with this.
And for me, if if it WAS "just" oral sex, it's the same.... he spent the night there too!!!! AMD he is following her on Instagram?? Just NO!

MegaClutterSlut · 22/01/2025 09:00

Ewww the messages to his mate shows no remorse what so ever, he's gloating about it!. And his friend asking 'which one' says it all. He's disgusting, you will never be able to trust him again.

Please see your value and LTB, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't spend it worrying about what this dickhead is up to because he will do it again and again

ArtTheClown · 22/01/2025 09:00

OP from his messages, ogling and chatting up women, trying is luck with them, and bragging to colleagues, are normal behaviour for him.

What's the saying? You'll have a hard time keeping this dog on the porch.

Only stay with him if you're okay being repeatedly cheated on.

ThreeLocusts · 22/01/2025 09:01

OP, I'm sorry. My guess would be that this prince among men has persuaded himself that you would find oral sex less upsetting than PIV, so that is what he told you. Then again, he was stupid enough to tell you he would have shagged her if she'd let him.

It's hard to know what is the most offensive here: the cheating, or the utter stupidity and recklessness, the apparent absence of any kind of impulse control? And then there's the likelihood that he is trying to second-guess your hurt and adapting the story accordingly, which is upsetting in its own way.

I don't know what your expectations of each other are/were. Maybe it's possible to get over the mere fact of the cheating. But what about the lack of forethought and the shiftiness?

WomenInConstruction · 22/01/2025 09:01

PreferMyAnimals · 22/01/2025 08:10

I did wonder about this. Or someone has threatened to tell you so he's covering himself.

Show quote history

That would make more sense, because boasting about it in the cold light of day and then coming home so troubled by his conscience that he was a bit off just don't add up.

WomenInConstruction · 22/01/2025 09:01

ArtTheClown · 22/01/2025 09:00

OP from his messages, ogling and chatting up women, trying is luck with them, and bragging to colleagues, are normal behaviour for him.

What's the saying? You'll have a hard time keeping this dog on the porch.

Only stay with him if you're okay being repeatedly cheated on.

👌

Lifeisapeach · 22/01/2025 09:01

Who cares if he went all the way or not.

this is horrendous. For your own dignity and your child’s sake, leave this man child.

Heronwatcher · 22/01/2025 09:04

If you want to stay that’s your decision but I can only see it leading to heartache. The trust must be gone. Plus I have no doubt he will do it again. What a skank.

You’ll also forever be having rows about boundaries, like whether he can go on a work trip, stag night etc because you’ll never trust him to be out on his own. He says now he’ll not go away/ see his mates but in a couple of months it will all be different, how he’s proved himself by not shagging anyone else for 6 weeks, how you’re being unreasonable…

I’d also be thinking about my child, they are still young enough that a separation should be much less damaging than if you struggle on for years and you get divorced when they’re 10/ 11 etc.

gidsquame · 22/01/2025 09:05

I don’t think it matters either way - he’s cheated, the trust is gone and things have changed now. This will always be on your mind when he goes on work trips now. I’m too old now to forgive this type of thing - I probably would have when I was younger.

If you do forgive him, I certainly wouldn’t be giving him “head” again. He’s already told a mate the Spanish girl was better and frankly you won’t know where his dick has been.

Sorry you are going through this - it’s really shit 💐

SushiWarrior · 22/01/2025 09:05

I voted yabu, purely because it shouldn’t matter whether it was just repeated oral sex or ‘full’ sex. To me that’s cheating regardless so it wouldn’t matter.

NameChangedOfc · 22/01/2025 09:05

ThreeLocusts · 22/01/2025 09:01

OP, I'm sorry. My guess would be that this prince among men has persuaded himself that you would find oral sex less upsetting than PIV, so that is what he told you. Then again, he was stupid enough to tell you he would have shagged her if she'd let him.

It's hard to know what is the most offensive here: the cheating, or the utter stupidity and recklessness, the apparent absence of any kind of impulse control? And then there's the likelihood that he is trying to second-guess your hurt and adapting the story accordingly, which is upsetting in its own way.

I don't know what your expectations of each other are/were. Maybe it's possible to get over the mere fact of the cheating. But what about the lack of forethought and the shiftiness?

This is spot on

Redglitter · 22/01/2025 09:06

When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex.

So the only reason he didn't have sex with her wasn't guilt, wasn't the thought of his wife & child, no it was because she said no!!!

He went back to hers fully intending to have sex

Member984815 · 22/01/2025 09:06

It'd be over for me , oral sex or full sex . I'd never trust him again

Washingmachineparty · 22/01/2025 09:07

I actually felt sick reading what you wrote. This man is vile and you and your baby need to leave him. I would never be able to get past this in a thousand lifetimes. What a disgusting and sleazy drug user. Grim. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Run, don't walk!

cordelia16 · 22/01/2025 09:08

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:19

It says Jan 2025 so that checks out.

Show quote history

with all due respect, OP, you're focusing on the wrong thing here.

namechangeGOT · 22/01/2025 09:10

'Best head Iv ever had NGL'

Yeah love, he isn't remotely remorseful.

I promise you that if you forgive him he'll take it as a green light to do it every fucking time he goes away. You know he will.

Wtafdidido · 22/01/2025 09:11

The only reason he didn’t fuck her was because she wouldn’t let him. If that’s true at all. If the opportunity had been there he would have taken it. I presume there will be more work trips. You will never be able to trust him again. What he did was just as bad . Kick him out.

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2025 09:12

Does it matter?
Its not cheating only if a penis enters a vagina
He cheated end of and you need to decide what if anything you are going to do

Chatterbox25 · 22/01/2025 09:13

So sorry this has happened to you OP. From experience in a previous relationship he isn’t telling you the truth. He will also do it again and you will never fully trust him again. You will start to struggle when he’s away/out and he won’t take it well. You will end up being ‘the problem’ in the end. Get out now. It won’t be easy but you won’t regret it. You deserve better and so does you baby. Sending hugs. I know how hard this is. I’m out the other side now. After an 8 year relationship with drugs and cheating I’m not happily married with 2 beautiful babas. No worries about drugs or cheating.

Coolasfeck · 22/01/2025 09:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You’ve called it.

They’ll start TTC #2 now. She’ll become increasingly bitter as she heads towards her 40s.

Many of us have seen this story before.

Lurker85 · 22/01/2025 09:18

For gods sake have some self respect and kick him out. Those messages to his friend weren’t when he was off his face and he certainly showed no regret. He was showing off. I couldn’t even look at him. I presume he’s going to have to keep working away, how will you ever trust him? He’s a disgusting pig turned by a pair of tits and now he’s had the 2 best blow jobs of his life and wants to come crawling back. I’m so sorry but you can’t stay with this man.

WomenInConstruction · 22/01/2025 09:19

cordelia16 · 22/01/2025 09:08

with all due respect, OP, you're focusing on the wrong thing here.

Show quote history

Because he's in her head, throwing all kinds of emotions around.

Get space op!!!

sjs42 · 22/01/2025 09:20

I expect he’s told you as someone else might have threatened to or there is something else that’s forced him to.

No woman picks up guys to give them blowjobs. The idea is preposterous. Unless she wants to get STIs.

and there’s no excuse for taking Coke. Unless of course you are a Coke user. Which he is.

Emmylou22 · 22/01/2025 09:20

What a fucking scumbag. He has no remorse as demonstrated by the messages to his friend. If you stay with him, he WILL do this again. And more. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. I would be kicking him out right now.

MissDoubleU · 22/01/2025 09:21

So first off, the only reason he didn’t sleep with her is because she was “a tease” and said no. Meaning, if she had let him he would have fucked her. Don’t doubt that for even a second. Planning and hoping to sleep with another woman he is in bed with is absolutely as bad as if his penis went in.

Do not for even a second minimise this to yourself as “just head” - which as a PP said, is in some ways more personal/intimate.

After you asked about following her on IG, which “reminded him” for the first time - did he immediately unfollow her? Because if not, he wasn’t just reminded, he knew and wanted to continue following her.

How can you ever trust this man again? He wasn’t given opportunity and took it without a second thought. You deserve far, far more than this. I’m sorry OP, I would be sending him packing.