My mum discovered my dad had cheated when I was a baby. Similar situation. She fought for her marriage. He cheated on her over and over again and eroded her self esteem. He had another affair with a family member while I was sitting A levels and finally left her 14 years after that for a younger woman.
My mum is old and alone and spent her life trying to convince herself of my dad’s love for her, messing with her kids in the process. I don’t speak to my dad. I barely speak to my mum, even though she was a victim I just can’t get past it.
You likely think this won’t happen to you but I’m sorry to say it’s the same story going on in every street in every town the world over. She tells me I’m lucky to have a faithful man but the truth is I won’t accept anything less and my DH knows it.
Men get away with this shit because women are in love with them and fear the upheaval of their lovely lives (and are gaslit into thinking they are overreacting by ending the marriage over a one-off).
Him taking the day off work smacks of him a) trying to control the situation, not giving you time to think independently, making sure you confide in him and don’t call family or friends to tell them of his shame and b) that he thinks this tiny ‘gesture’ is all it will take to convince you.
If he quit his job on the spot and booked therapy and couples counselling for you both without being asked, I’d say okay maybe he is remorseful but if I’m honest, he already knows you are going to forgive him. That’s why he told you in the first place. The messages to his work colleague show he isn’t remotely remorseful and by telling you and showing you the messages he is getting a secondary buzz from it. I bet his cock twitched in his boxers when you were reading them. If there’s one thing you’re hoping, it’s that this is a one-off but I would bet my house that he will do this again. And again.
Every time you have sex or give him head, it will wreck your head. Every time he goes away, it will wreck your head. Already you will be making sure he doesn’t catch sight of you naked because you think this is about you when it isn’t.
I wish with all my heart my mum hadn’t wasted her life and damaged ours by staying with my dad. Your baby is young and will know no different.
My advice is to
1: Call your family - you’re scared to because if they know, you fear being judged for not kicking him out, but the shame is his, not yours.
2: Go and stay with family or friends where he cannot access you. This will give you time to think clearly. This step may take weeks. Hopefully without him in your ear, you’ll realise your worth and that your priority is to your baby (who definitely deserves better).
It will also let him see how serious this is - if you do eventually forgive him, he will know what a big issue this is for you and will be less likely to make the same mistake again (the longer you can leave him dangling the better as he will see (and so will you) that you hold all the power.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. The reason all the responses are telling you to leave is because that is the rational response to a betrayal of this magnitude. As someone who is emotionally attached to him, you are doing all sorts of crazy thinking to attempt to justify his actions and your eventual forgiveness.
Even my mum is now happier without my dad even though she was nearly 60 when she got free (and even then he left her). Imagine how different her life could have been if she’d put herself above him all those years ago. You don’t have to settle for this. Sending you love x