DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

Also the worse part of the message hasn’t even been addressed by that many posters!
”Remember the girl I was speaking to”
”Which one?”
Sp he spends most of the night chatting up girls!

What does it matter? Absolutely none of what he has done is acceptable whether it was full blown sex or just oral. In the bin

The bragging is awful, and the use of the word "tease" screams to me that he would have slept with her if she'd been willing to. I'm sorry, OP but this doesn't sound like a one-off "wasn't thinking clearly" mistake.

It's not an easy decision to end a marriage. Been there, done that. I second what pp said, ask him to leave for a while and give yourself time to process before jumping to a decision.

What you stand for is what you’ll get with this one. You are hugely underreacting and sound as if you are in denial, which makes sense but it’s not a state in which you should be making decisions.

These are the messages he sent sober, the next day. Very pleased with himself except that he wanted sex and only got a blow job.

Absolutely not. Going back to hers just for a snog would be grounds for divorce for me. Or even not going back to her and kissing in the club. My cheating bar is high and I would not accept anything less. Whether she gave him or oral or he stuck it in fully in her, doesn’t matter one bit

What would you say to your best mate if they came to you with this problem? 💐💐💐💐

I really can't see how any relationship can work after something like this. I think you are in denial as it's such a shock atm. The more you mull it over during the next few days, the more you will see this for what it is. Your dh doesn't give a shit about you or your lo.

You will never fully trust him again especially when he is away from you. You deserve better than this and more importantly so does your lo, they need a strong mum who doesn't put up with shitty behaviour from their partner.

He was up for any sex but oral because she drew a line. 🤦
He does cocaine because it's rife in his industry and he's been using drugs since you met him so he's always going to be in the club.
He boasted about her looks and the quality of her work on him after to a colleague.
He's following her on insta.

That's a lot of clues that his personality and moral compass are fundamentally ok with all he's done.
When the heat is on he'll compartmentalise his role as husband and father away in a little quiet corner of his brain and say 'bring it on'.
He just needs you to be ok with it too, and then he will be able to avoid all the work needed to shift his stance on all this to be someone he's not.

Or, he's an incredibly rare person who is truly truly sorry AND has the backbone and emotional stamina to back that up with real change and trust building.

He sounds like a prize prick OP, you and your little one deserve better. The fact that he sent those messages shows he knew exactly what he was doing and doesn’t care. I don’t think you could ever fully trust him if you carry on being with him.

I’m sorry OP, but does it make a difference?

Definitely a female?

This 100% ⬆️

It doesn't actually matter if he's telling you the full truth or not. What he admitted to is still cheating and still bad enough.

This is the reason why so many women are in shit relationships and just accept all the crap that here men throw at them.

Raise your bar and aim higher.

how can you ever forgive someone who has done his to you?

dh would be a goner, if I found out he took cocaine never mind cheating!

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, I think that he cheated when everything is good in your relationship, is a real warning to you.

I doubt they didn't have sex to be honest, what woman would give a man head, expect nothing at all in return, share a bed with him all night and then do the same in the morning? It seems highly unlikely that she wouldn't want a bit of pleasure herself, bit maybe that comes with low self esteem, I dont know. Either way he cheated, twice, once when sobar. I don't think I could live with that, you'll be thinking about it every time he goes away.

Also, he was clearly very pleased with himself after, but then what, the guilt suddenly kicked in a few days later? Sounds to me it's more likely something happened that made him worry you could find out about it, and that's why he confessed.

Right?! And the revolting fact his mate didn't go, "hey what happened with that girl last night" the fuckwit messages his mate to brag.

OP, you will be happy again, but not with him. He is utter scum. Get him out of the house and he will do it, as someone else said, if he respects you. You meed time to come down from the shock and get angry. This is grief and you need to go through all that encompasses, before you can even breathe properly xx

I do think oral sex and penetrative sex are different things. But the betrayal is equal, actually the mental gymnastics to justify 'just oral ' propably makes it worse and more intimate.

No they don't think that. Op is just clutching at straws because she is devastated.

Don't want to leave him? What? Have some self respect and standards. He doesn't respect you, get him gone. Allowing him to get away with it just gives the green light to do it again. He is disgusting.

I think it's pretty clear that it was in fact "just" oral sex - I doubt he'd have missed out on the opportunity to give more details to his mate if anything else had happened, clearly he wasn't thinking at the time about you reading those messages. I do however think that this is a complete red herring, and it's also obvious from his reference to her being a tease that he would have been up for more anyway.

I sympathise with your feelings about the messages - it makes it all feel very concrete and I don't think I'd ever be able to get them out of my head. I can understand you not wanting to end the marriage, especially when you have a young child... the thought is terrifying, and obviously some people do stay together after cheating. Maybe you need to take a few weeks to process all this and see how you feel. I suspect you won't be able to get over it (as most people wouldn't) and that it will sour the relationship to such an extent anyway that it probably won't be worth continuing. But if that thought is too scary right now then you need to give yourself some time.

Oral sex is still sex, it doesn't matter if they fucked as well. It's not 'cheating lite'.

Send him back to work while you think about it all. Him hovering round you is a way to manipulate you, not support you, and since when was being a cheating dog an illness?

You don't have to rush into any decisions. Think, let yourself be upset, angry, whatever, catch your breath, don't make any decisions for a few days.

My advice-
It was a deliberate choice on his part. Cocaine my arse, it doesn't take away your memory that you have a wife and child. He was extremely proud of his behaviour the next day. Extremely. Get yourself over to the Chump Lady site. You and your child deserve much better than this. I can't see a way past this without destroying something in yourself.

He took drugs. And whether they had sex or not, she performed an intimate act on your husband, twice. He follows her on SM, so he either followed her prior, or pretty bloody quickly added her after the deed.
The fact you've said you don't want to leave him, actually gives him a pass to do what he likes in the future. And this is what you'll be putting up with for the rest of your married life. All he'll think is, I've done it once and she stayed, I can do what I like.
Do you want your child brought up in this kind of environment?
I think you have a lot of thinking to do OP and I hope you make the right decision, you and your child are worth far more than being treated like this 💐

This, absolutely. Who cares about the details? He's a lowlife: you do not want him dragging you and your child through the mud of his depravities. Go live a beautiful life, sorround your child and yourself with good people and good experiences.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Best wishes 💐🙏