Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 22/01/2025 08:23

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

@Bellanova I’m so sorry to read this. You’re still in shock. There’s no need to rush to make decisions. And your time. Do you have family nearby? Lean on them for support, even if you’re not ready to tell them what’s happened.
Look after yourself and listen to your gut. It’ll help you make the right decision.

HipToTheHopDontStop · 22/01/2025 08:25

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 07:24

Thanks everyone.

I trust this hasn’t happened before as he was so off when he got home and he does seem to feel genuinely bad.
I don’t want my marriage to end as I love him and our family and generally we never have issues this is a first but I don’t know if I just haven’t processed the magnitude fully yet.

Well, when he gets away with it this time, you know he'll do it again, right? Just next time he won't tell you.

Slowontheup · 22/01/2025 08:25

I could probably get past cheating as in kissing with tongues but this is pretty bad.

at the very least you need to make him move out, tell your and his family and really make him work for it if he wants things to be right again. He needs to know this is his one and only chance.

CameraGown · 22/01/2025 08:26

paperklip · 22/01/2025 08:18

Leave OP… surely you can’t be considering staying with this fool.

Show quote history

Agreed!

Saveusernsme · 22/01/2025 08:26

What an utter waste of space.

Of course he’s remorseful now! That’s the guilt. His holiday fling is over and he’s back to reality. He crossed the line - oral sex is sex. There are no varying degrees of cheating. To top it off, he did it again the next morning when he’d sobered up.

The coke use because it’s rife in his industry makes him sound like a child. It was rife in my and DH industry too but we never did it. It sounds like he has no impulse control and has more of it ‘fuck it’s attitude.

I know you don’t want to throw your marriage away but he’s already done that. Him, not you. You deserve better. He deserves the door.

poppymango · 22/01/2025 08:26

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

Ok. This is after the event and he's bragging about it to his mate. Zero remorse.

Tell him he needs to go stay on his mates sofa. This is disgusting.

Rewis · 22/01/2025 08:26

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

The remorse just drips through the message
The friend is totally telling all the colleagues and this is now common knowledge. I don't think if it matters but you need to know that. Look, you don't have to decide anything right now. You can take some time to figure this Out. Thus is not something you have to have figured out by the end of the week, month or even the year. It is a shock. Just find a friend or therapist or both and talk and think. Whatever you decide it doesn't have to permanent either. If you decide to tay that doesn't mean you can't leave later. There was a thread a while ago about a woman who left 5 years later.

But my main advice (I wrote it earlier) is that he needs to be the one to do the work. Don't let him get away with "I'll do whatever you want". He needs to practically organise everything he deems necessary and then in addition to aks you what you want and organise it. He cand dump the emotional labour on you.

Onetimeonly2024 · 22/01/2025 08:26

The bragging about it is bloody awful. FFS what a tosser! I would ask him why he seemed so remorseful when he got home, but wanted to look like Billy Big Bollocks in front of his mate (who actually didn’t seem overly impressed?) This just makes him look beyond pathetic. Insecure, weak, needy twat 🤬
Personally I would tell him to go to work because I couldn’t stand the sight of him. It’s such loser behaviour and I think I would find that harder to get over than the actual sexual bit?

Maray1967 · 22/01/2025 08:27

He’s a cheat and a drug user - two good reasons to end this now.

I don’t think you’ll ever trust him again. And I’m not sure how you could have sex with him again knowing what he texted his mate about this other woman.

And I agree that him staying off work is a manipulative act designed to railroad you into agreeing to stay with him. He should be giving you space. But I’d be showing him the door.

nellythe · 22/01/2025 08:28

Azandme · 22/01/2025 08:18

He wasn't mortified, apologetic, or remorseful when he was complimenting her skills to his mate...

He was proud.

He wasn't saying, "Oh my God, what have I done?! I've betrayed my wife! I have to fix this. I'm so disgusted with myself!"

He was saying, "Hot. Tits out." "Best head I've ever had."

He's PROUD of it.

I'd make him leave.

Edited

This. He is an utterly vile piece of shit.
You’re in shock and when this wears off you need to find your anger. How fucking DARE he!?
He leaves. I hope this little fantasy of his has been worth his marriage because you cannot stay with him. Even the language he used as a married man about another woman is enough to leave him over.
Please ring your mum (if possible) and get out of that house before he has chance to manipulate you.

Pigsinblankets13 · 22/01/2025 08:30

How bloody awful. I can't imagine what I'd do in this situation...my instant reaction is get rid of him but appreciate its easier said than done when you love him, have a baby and normally otherwise things are good. I don't think I would be able to forgive my DH if he'd done this though.

Agree with others - he probably would have slept with her if she had 'let' him. The messages to his friend add fuel to the fire for sure.

I guess you need to think about whether you can trust him again...if he goes away a lot do you really want a life of worry being at home with a young child wondering what he's doing.

Of course he's remorseful...they always are.

My ex fiance cheated on me when I was in my mid 20s and I thought my world had ended. Had to cancel wedding last minute and move back home. Few years later married my wonderful DH and am thankful things didn't work out with my ex...hindsight can be a funny thing.

Take time to process and think about what YOU want...don't let him guilt trip you or talk you round.

All the best x

Arlanymor · 22/01/2025 08:30

Those texts are terrible, he’s not sorry at all.

Maray1967 · 22/01/2025 08:31

I agree with PP above - his mate comes out of that exchange rather better - no laughing or joking back; he seems not to approve.

Your H is disgusting, quite frankly. And yes, probably most of his mates know by now. That shouldn’t be the most significant point, but it isn’t great to know that all his mates and probably their partners know what he’s done.

GreyCarpet · 22/01/2025 08:33

OP, those messages are almost the worst part.

Theu don't show any remorse, he's bragging about it and denigrating you in the process.

It's obviously up to you what you do but I could never bring myaelf to have any physical or sexual contact with him ever again amd he certainly wouldn't be someone I felt emotionally safe with.

You.may feel.similalrly once you've had chance to fully process it, and where would that leave your marriage?

Rumors1 · 22/01/2025 08:33

The way he speaks about that woman is disgusting and bragging about it in his texts. Sorry to say but he has no respect for you, your marriage and that woman.

Onlycoffee · 22/01/2025 08:33

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

Your DH was definitely up for more and the only reason he didn't was because the woman didn't want to.

Interesting that his friend seems like he's not that interested in him, like he doesn't actually want to hear his boasting about being a cheating scumbag.

It's not fair that you still love him and he's done this to you and your marriage.

Get him away from you so he can't manipulate your reaction right now.

Azandme · 22/01/2025 08:33

You can't process this with him there, which you need to do before you can even think about next steps.

Which means that you certainly can't "begin to work through it" today - the arrogance of him for thinking you can.

In your shoes I'd ask him to give you time and space, and send him elsewhere. He'll push against it, but be very clear that it's either that, or you're done immediately.

Take at least two weeks without any contact - no messaging, no calls, no vidits. Ask family to sort any contact with your child. If he truly respects you he'll do what you ask.

You need space to process what he's done and grieve the relationship he just killed. You need space to breathe - without him giving it puppy dog eyes, and spouting about remorse.

Only with that can you make the right decisions for you and your child.

If you can, get your best friend over.

Coffeeandcake32 · 22/01/2025 08:34

It truly does get worse and worse. Quite clearly he was up for full sex it's only because she wouldn't shag him! His mate clearly thinks he is a wanker too and it will be round the office by now.

diddl · 22/01/2025 08:36

I don’t want my marriage to end as I love him

Not sure he feels the same about you.

The coke would be enough for me to be gone but you already accepted that.

Are you willing to accept cheating as well?

Poppyseeds79 · 22/01/2025 08:36

I'd definitely not believe this was the first time either. The fact that his mate says "which one?". Your partner probably has massive form for trying it on with any woman who will speak to him. He clearly didn't end up in this situation by accident.

GammonAndEgg · 22/01/2025 08:36

Look, love - it will happen again. He’ll be working away; you’ll be a mess the whole time; he’ll cover his tracks better.

You will definitely split. It might take 25 years, but you will. In my view, it’s better that it’s now so it’s less disruptive for you and your child.

Five years together is a long time, but another 5, 10, 20, 25 is even bloody longer.

GreyCarpet · 22/01/2025 08:36

I'd also agree that his mate doesn't seem at all impressed by or interested in his behaviour.

So that's his wife he's betrayed and his colleague has lost respect for him.

Nice going...

Calmhappyandhealthy · 22/01/2025 08:37

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:17

I feel sick.

I asked to read the messages between him and his work mate. He said “remember that girl I was talking to” and the mate replied which one? He then described her as the “tall, tan, Spanish, hot, tits out”. He then told his friend he’d gone back to hers and she’d been a “tease” his mate asked what he meant and he said she gave him head twice but that was it. His mate replied which “oh really” and he said “yeah, best head I’ve ever had ngl”.

I feel so so sick reading those :/

What an absolute idiot he is

I was about to post "try couples counselling and see how you feel afterwards "

Now? He's disgusting. Get rid.....although in his favour he does appear to be an honest cheating idiot 🙄

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/01/2025 08:37

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 08:19

It says Jan 2025 so that checks out.

Show quote history

You’re focussing on the wrong thing here. Tell him to use his sick day to find somewhere else to stay as you need space.

TBH my gut says that if you let him get away with this, it won’t be the last time and you will never stop worrying about whether he’s out fucking someone else, whilst taking drugs on a work trip. The messages boasting to his mates after the event (which he repeated the next morning whilst sober) is disgusting and shows no remorse whatsoever. OP above is right stating “ if he was genuinely remorseful a) in the morning when he woke up sober, he would have been out of there ASAP rather than lying back for another BJ b) he would have been wracked with guilt straight away and scrabbling to ensure colleagues would keep it rather secret rather than gloating about the quality of the oral sex.” Your H is repellent.

live your life well and show your DC how women are supposed to be treated. Kick him out.

AlexisP90 · 22/01/2025 08:39

Even if you could forgive the "oral sex" he follows her on Instagram.

That shows this was premeditated or he wants to do it again.