DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

why?

You should read the whole thread. Things have moved on and it's safe to say the "is oral sex real sex?" conundrum is moot.

What an absolute pig of a man. I feel sick for you just reading this. Stay strong, you and your baby deserve so much better than this.

@DutifulDaughterWifeMother their loyalty will always be to their son! no matter what he has done!!!

You love him and he's very sorry so you are ready to forgive and move on? Sorry, I couldn't have him near me....you are home with his baby and he decides to let some woman suck his dick, not once but twice. Absolutely crazy what some people will put up with, there's really no excuse..how will you ever trust him again?

If he was truly sorry he wouldn't have let her go back for another go would he.

He is minimising this so you will stay. He done more than one line and he had full sex with her. You deserve better but only you can decide if you are willing to stay with a drug taking cheat. I would imagine he planned to cheat the minute he knew he was going to Barcelona because he can't stand not being number one priority in your life now you have a baby. Many men act like spoiled brats once they have children. He will tell you it is your fault for not putting him first but it is his fault for not growing up when his child arrived in the world.

I went on a work trip last month and the evening consisted of eating a plate of pasta in a restaurant and then excusing myself from the after dinner drinks and watching I’m a celeb from the hotel bed. Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking all of this wasn’t his own doing entirely.

He sounds like a scumbag and I’m glad to hear that you’ve asked him to leave

Why can't people read the OP's posts before commenting?!

To summarise for people who can't RTFT
Husband a bit of a scumbag, OP still loves him
Turns out he's a bigger scumbag, OP asks him to leave
Actually he's even worse

If you stay he will do it again. Even if he doesn't you'll never trust him. He's ruined the relationship, there's no reason to stay it will destroy your life and self esteem. Head to chumplady.com and get the hell out of there.

OP I think you ask a great question- who would do all this?
I recommend you research the answer. Research what type of person would typically make obscene photos and videos like that and then let a woman he is attracted to 'discover' them so he can witness your reaction.
What type of person who would frequently use sex workers in this repeated and casual way (these women are definitely sex workers).
Honestly OP he fits the profile of a sex offender.

Your early updates made me so sad, like you were looking for the reassurance that it was 'just' oral sex (twice, once drunk once sober)? Is that how low your bar is?
It's a huge responsibility to model healthy relationships when you have a daughter - leaving this awful man is an amazing and very necessary first step, well done for doing it.
In future please find a way to value yourself more highly so that you don't end up with someone like this ever again. You are worth so much more.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you and your little baby. I don’t understand how people do this. I really hope you get the chance to be really happy in the future. I don’t have any advice but wishing you lots of strength to get through this.

I mean, isn't this the case on quite a lot of MN threads? If you're really struggling that much to get your head around why people post then maybe it's not the place for you

I think it’s unlikely an attractive woman would give head twicd in the first date for fun. I also think it’s unlikely he’d have not offered or gone down on her or fingered or tried to give her some pleasure in return.

OP as someone with a 1 year old, you and your baby deserve so so much more!! So he was cheating on you whilst you were home caring for your precious little baby. He was even cheating on you newly postpartum. He’s a serial cheat. He brags about it to colleagues. He doesnt care about your marriage or you at all. He could have exposed you to STDs when pregnant or newly postpartum and potentially given your baby an STD because you wouldn’t have known and if you delivered vaginally or had HIV off him then it would have passed to your innocent baby. Please think of that. He not only risks your health, but your innocent child’s health. I’ve written this all down and urge you to write down everything, because he sounds like a master manipulator and once the shock and anger wears off he will try and break you down and you HAVE to remember what he’s done. Look up Mollie Mae and Tommy Fury, this reminds me of them.

It's not so much as update us as it is getting the thoughts & feelings out as quickly as possible, to know someone has heard you & to not feel extraordinarily alone whilst said world crumbles & you're flailing.

The risk of trying to out trolls publicly is too high when you'll inevitably catch real human tragedy in your fishing net. It's not worth it. Report if you like, or just don't engage.

Troll hunting isn't allowed on Mumsnet so do report the thread if you believe the OP isn't a genuine poster.

IMO it doesn’t matter whether they have full intercourse or “just” oral. It is cheating whichever way you look at it

OP is distressed and in shock and there are far far worse ways of dealing with a crisis than seeking support and counsel on an anonymous forum of (mainly) mature women.

OP I am sorry.

I shouldn’t have commented about it being unlikely the woman just gave him a BJ. It really doesn’t make a difference.

If it’s any consolation, he doesn’t view these women as better than you or appreciate them more - he doesn’t respect them. I’m not sure your partner respects women full stop.

Do you have support ? A nice Mum or sister to go to ?

I know this seems like the worst thing at the moment but I honestly believe that whether you stay or go, things will be okay.

Maybe finding out now is meant to be, it’s an opportunity to start your life with someone else.

Maybe things are salvageable. Right now just breath, take care of baby, seek support and know that all will be okay in time.
xoxox

Oh god op. I'm so sorry.
One thing is that he has behaved SO appallingly is that it's very clear you had to throw him out. This is a 100% on him - not that it wasn't anyway but no one could claim otherwise.

You may feel ashamed and humiliated right now but further down the line you won't. However, he will! I hope he is mortified.

Please tell people close to you, they will want to help.

Take care.

A cuckold. If there was another man there filming it, it's likely your husband was the bull in that instance.

Full STI check, and download all the data on his phone for your divorce. That clip can be evidence for starters.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Please vist your local sexual health clinic as they will support and test you.
Depending on how long ago you last had sex with him they may test you and ask you to go back after a certain time frame.