DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

Yeah, I'm sure he'd be absolutely fine with his girlfriend/wife giving random head behind his back....

I'm sorry OP, he's a dirty, selfish pig and you deserve so much better.

I'm really sorry this is happening. But I'm also glad you found something else cause it will make this easier in a sick and twisted way.

I'm justbwonderign why come clean now? I wonder if this colleague was not one of the "bro's" like he was expecting.

I don't want to clog up the thread debating the ins and outs of what he has done, as I expect you have your hands full with a small baby and wondering what to do next. Firstly, sending you love and strength.
Once you have stopped reeling try to get a brief plan together asap. You don't need to make final decisions but you do need to get a few balls rolling, and then you can sit back and take some time to think and plan.
If you are able to get him to leave, please do that, it's less disruptive for you and your baby.
Do you have full access to the family finances? Gather what you can.
Tell some trusted people in your family and friends group.
Get recommendations for a family lawyer. I don't know where in the country you are, but I'm sure people on here can help if you don't have a personal recommendation. It does not harm to speak to a lawyer now. Marriages end for MUCH less than this and good lawyers will have seen and heard it all.

You won't believe this yet but trust me when I say that he has done you a favour. How many more years might you have wasted on a man who is clearly a juvenile liar (and an IDIOT to boot) who is not cut out for family life? You have the chance to get out and have a good life without being dragged down by somebody who is not worthy of your love and trust. How good of him to tell you now so that you can get on with making a living and secure future for you and your child.

He really is the worst kind of filthy selfish scum. Your heart is broken now, but now you know exactly who he really is. There are no excuses and none of this is your fault. Get rid of the disgusting piece of shit and build yourself a new, better, honest life.

I haven't read the whole thread but my two pence would be 'what on earth is the question here'.

He had oral sex from another woman. Unforgiveable. But if that isn't enough for you, he only didn't have full sex because she said no. That's not likely to be a lie, because why on earth would that be his chosen defence. Surely he'd say "we didn't do anything else even though it was offered as I knew it was a line I couldn't cross"

So either, he had full sex and is lying, or he didnt but only because it wasn't on offer.

You need to leave him, unless of course that sort of thing is OK with you, in which case c'est la vie!

How is that helpful to the OP?

We don’t know anything about OP’s relationship with her in-laws. They haven’t done anything so why should their relationship suffer?

The only person at fault here is the Husband.

His family should be told so he doesn’t spin a totally different narrative. If they are decent people they will support OP as this is devastating for her.

Why do some men get married & have children if this is how they will behave!!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

It really doesn't matter whether you believe him or not - because even THIS version of events is more than bad enough!

This is 100% what is going to happen

OP has since updated her thread, DH has admitted to cheating multiple times whilst abroad

Lets face it he’s probably done it whilst at home too.

OP should be incredibly proud for kicking him out, I know it’s unbearable to think about but I’d suggest an sti test too x

Just seen your update. He's disgusting, I'm so sorry. So he was no doubt cheating while you were pregnant too. Definitely get an STI test.

I do think people are human and can make one mistake and feel horrendously guilty and never do it again. But that's try not the case here. He's done it repeatedly and would no doubt continue to do so. Stay strong and don't take him back. It'll feel hard parenting on your own at first but it's nothing compared to the constant stress you'd feel of staying with him and constantly wondering where he is, who he's with, when he's going to do it again. You deserve so much better than that.

You don’t want to leave him? Geez girl, get some self respect. Wth

Loser admitted it to hurt you too, test your boundaries (of which there are apparently none)

Keep up or at least read the thread (or even OP's posts)
She has asked him to leave, she has plenty of self respect

Good because I feel sick from what I just read

I posted when I read just your first post @Bellanova I am so sorry for how much worse it has got. There is no credit that he has told you it all and let you have his phone but for you it is good it hasn't been dragged out like it was with my husband.

It is good he's out. It will give you space to think.

Your baby is a girl I think. How'd he feel if this was his daughter in the future? Either in your position or the women he's slept with? It's irrelevant she has bikini shots on her instagram, you come across as critical and judgemental. He's the one to be judged here.

As for saying you can read his messages to this friend, he has no choice.

Stay strong. There will always be someone on here to talk to, shout at, cry with and when and if you want practical advice, for that too.

Please get tested. I knew a girl who liked married men… she would give oral instead of sex when she was having a flare up downstairs..

What a cunt

I am so sorry you are going through this. Whilst it's better to know, it's a huge shock and things will feel horrendous right now. Is there anyone you can speak to / can come and be with you?

Hope you are OK x

I wondered if she realised he was married and threatened to tell his wife? Maybe why he was in a mood when he came back, waiting to find out if she knew or would be contacted by the woman. May be why the woman cancelled meeting him a second time.

When she had time to look at his IG maybe...

Receiving two blowies in a strange woman's bed is just as bad as having PV sex.
So it makes little difference in my view. The fact you think he's done more than he admitted to shows your trust is now totally broken.
He actually seemed to say he would've had full sex with her, in that he 'didn't believe she'd only do oral'. I.e he was in it for a shag.
It feels like he didn't have to say anything, but maybe he thinks you'd forgive him if it was just oral? Who knows.
You should leave him either way. Even though you say you don't want to.
It will eat at your trust in the relationship forever.

Agree you don’t need to know any more details- this is enough to know what kind of a man he is. And it’s not even like he made a drunken mistake, if he’s saying the following morning, when he was presumably not drunk any more, he cheated again. If you don’t leave now, you will end up leaving after the next time, or the one after- maybe years from now, and you’ll look back and regret wasting those years with him.

It may not feel like it now, but thank FUCK you found out about the Italian and Spanish women. The hidden folder must have been traumatic but it's physical evidence. Imagine an alternate reality where you'd bought into his remorse and wasted the next few years of your life in counselling with a liar and serial cheat, who was never going to stop and never going to be the person you thought he was.

As awful and heartbreaking as this is, FAR better to be in a 'no going back' situation that be living a lie. Your lovely DC is young enough that this split won't be traumatic and you have all the time in the world to meet someone who deserves you both.

Please take the advice on here about sharing with people IRL - he does not deserve to have his reputation saved in any way.

Jrsud christ OP I'm so sorry this gas happened to you. What an absolute prick!

If you are suspicious, report.