DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

What an utter scumbag he is to do that to you and your baby! Not just multiple cheating but potentially causing health risks for both of you that is honestly vile! I'm sorry this has happened. I hope you find your anger and can channel this pain into making the best life for you and your little one without his cheating scummy self causing you more heartache! I only hope he can still step up and prove he's capable of being a good dad to your little one!

The comment about the Spanish girl being in more drugs than him and the filming and the blow jobs without her getting anything, the comment he makes about how he hopes she puts out more, the bragging to friends, gives me a rapey or coercive vibe.

Very sorry to say this OP, not what you need to hear and I’m probably not correct but I’d feel remiss not sharing my instincts (based on just your posts though).

Oh dear, I read your initial post and my main thought was: it doesn't matter that he didn't sleep with her, the fact he accepted head from her not only whilst drunk but again in the morning when he should have sobered up and realised this was a huge mistake shows he has zero remorse for his actions despite having admitted them and 'talking the talk' now.
The messages he sent his friend were the next enormous red flag because he was obviously perfectly content with what he'd done, he was bragging about it, he had no concerns about covering his tracks with this person. Probably because the cocaine use is rife in his industry and so will the cheating be as well. Whilst he remains in that industry you can never trust him.
But I've now read your updates and I'm pleased for you that you've found the true extent of his behaviour and thrown him out. There's really no way back from this level of cheating. Especially when it all coincided with you being a new parent!
Don't fall prey to what will follow as his desperate attempts to salvage the relationship, this is absolutely unsalvageable.

Couldn't say it better than this.

It's not you - he's an arsehole who sees being away as an opportunity to have his end away. Thank god you found out.

Interesting that he confessed anything to you at all.

He easily could have said he got really drunk and embarrassed himself and is feeling bad about it.

clearly he has one redeeming quality … some percent of honesty.

His friend sounds a better man than your husband, OP, from those messages. I would be suspicious that he's only told you because he knows you'll find out and he's pre-empting by pretending to be devastated when he actually got himself some seriously good head, and much better than yours.

That's some serious bragging there and I'm not surprised you feel sick. People in your husband's life know he's cheated on you - are they all patting him on the back at work now and telling him he's a great guy?

I agree with everyone else, this is not a good man and you'll spend your life worrying about what he's doing every time he's away. If you forgive him once, he's got carte blanche to do it again.

Nope. Read the updates.

Gutted for you @Bellanova, it will feel heavy for a few weeks but sure as hell you'll be better off in the long run. My heart is with you. 💚

I can’t understand why you think women would do just oral sex and not full. I have done that hundreds of times! I feel maybe I’m odd now?

Disgusting pig... out with him immediately. I'm so sorry for you x

This. Gross.

The drink and drugs are no excuse either - clearly premeditated in some way because they had been flirting to exchange socials. Then he doesn't leave immediately but lets it happen again? And then brags to his friend?

Sorry OP, I think you should put this one in the bin. Get out whilst you're still young.

Seen your other posts OP, I'm so sorry.

He is disgusting and you can do so much better x

Oral sex don't have the pregnancy risk though

@Bellanova As someone who was cheated on while pregnant and saw the photos, I really feel for you. It's just horrible and can be for a long time. Why are some men like this even when they have it all 😞.

It'll take a while but you'll be happy again one day, just concentrate on yourself and your baby xx

OP it won't feel like it right now but you will be a million times better off without this man as your life partner. He is utterly disgusting and morally bankrupt and it's actually a good thing that you know now before you waste any more of your life on him. He is so far beneath you I'm surprised you can even see him, he's literally the shit on your shoe. Who do you have who could support you? Don't keep his dirty secrets, tell anyone you need to in order to get the support you deserve, any shame is 100% his.

Can't say I'm surprised there have been girls on all his 'trips' ... Sounded like he thought someone was going to rat him out so he tried to get ahead of it and pretend like it was the first time.

Get yourself checked for STIs pronto, whatever you do OP.

I'm so sorry. What a disgusting excuse for a husband and new father.

I feel so so sorry for you ❤️ please try and stay strong and surround yourself with people you love and trust ❤️

Hes a piece of shit op
Make sure he stays gone
Be strong for your own self respect and your child.

Well done for digging more. The life you are saving is your own.

JFC! Stay strong and you'll get through this - can't even imagine what your going through! Remember to get some support from your family and friends, you should not feel any shame for what he has done as that's on him. Also go and get checked for STDs and STIs ASAP.

Really, in this context? So you'd take a guy you don't know, back to your house, give him a blow job, share a bed with him, give him another blow job in the morning and get nothing in return? Why???

He's an absolute shit .

I know you're hurting now , but you will get over it . He'll never be happy as he sounds like a serial cheater , and will get thrown out again and again , serve him right .

"It's a huge responsibility to model healthy relationships when you have a daughter"

Agree with this. Children learn how relationships work from watching how their parents treat each other, this is equally important when you have a son. This relationship is not what real love and respect look like and ending it is definitely the right thing to do, it will help to explain to your child one day that both you and they deserve more in their own relationships.

I don’t know really! Attention I guess. Did it loads of times in the past when my self esteem was low