DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP I'm so so sorry that you are in this place. I was where you are 2 months ago. I'm still in a massive place of shock.

I ordered an STI test online and it was quick and simple. I also asked my DH to leave and haven't seen him since.

I'm divorcing him (again easy to do online) and selling the house. My DH isn't actually remorseful at all.

You're going to have some tough days (and nights) ahead. You will get so much support on MN - keep talking.

I'm so sorry 😞 he is not the person you thought he was and this is a dreadful way to find out. Please do get support from your family and friends. You will get through this lovely 💐 take care of yourself

At least you know that it's over, no going back.
Sending you strength OP

Another question is why did he feel "bad" about this time? He hasn't been bothered any other time so who threatened to tell you before he did? He hasn't chosen to come clean, something/someone has forced his hand. He's a scum bag.

OP I felt sick reading your first post earlier. Just saw your updates and wanted to send you strength. You will get through this and come out much stronger I am sure.

Just read all the thread @bellanova, what an absolute shit show.
I am so glad you have asked him to leave, it is definitely the best thing as you 100% deserve more than this.
I can't believe the extent of the betrayal, all the cheating, pics and videos included - he's an absolutely despicable specimen.
Please please reach out for IRL support but know that there is loads of support here for you to help you work through the next phase of separation and divorce.
Sending strength and hugs

Are you serious?

I'm so sorry @Bellanova that you are going through this. I have been on MM for a long time and your DH's behaviour is truly shocking.

But now you know. This is the time to gather your support circle around you. Please tell someone you trust in RL.

How on earth do you not want to kick him in the balls then kick him out of the house? Will you ever be able to look at him the same way? Have sex with him again? Or trust him again? What happens the next time he wants to go away for the weekend? You'll be sitting there wondering whose bed he is waking up in. Get rid, he is disgusting.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’ve asked him to leave and I hope you never take him back. I would be telling your family now as that will make it harder for you to forgive when he comes grovelling.

However, I can’t shake the feeling more is to come out. He’s been cheating all of this time.. so why has he told you now? He clearly doesn’t feel guilty about it so he hasn’t told you because he was being eaten alive with guilt. Cheaters like this usually confess to get on top of the truth and twist it in their direction first. I would brace yourself for more news.

Absolutely horrible update. At least it settles things for you: there is nothing to work through, you can leave and move on with your life. I'm so sorry, what a horrific shock.

my god you poor thing, at least this makes it easier for you to find your anger and get rid of him! And I suppose in a way at least you’ve found out now not once you’ve wasted your entire youth on him. I hope you have all the support in the world for you and your little one, I have absolutely no doubt you’ll come out of the other side stronger and happier

So sorry op I jumped in without reading your further posts. I'm so sorry, what a vile disgusting individual he is. Please get yourself checked out for any std's and when you divorce him take him for everything he bloody has.

You’ll get over him OP. He’s just filth.

Just get rid now and prepare to mourn the relationship in the short term, knowing that in the long term you will not be subjected to this.

What’s happened is just so gross - you must get yourself a full STI screen.

Why was he not himself this time when he has done so much worse in the past? Kind of strange that a BJ would be the thing to unsettle him enough to confess.

Oh my goodness I am so sorry OP. Am thinking of you.

I've just read all your updates. OP is am so sorry. I hope you have a good support system around you as it is going to be tough but I think you have done the right thing as he is obviously really untrustworthy.

Aw op this is horrific!! He is disgusting and you and your baby deserve so much more. So glad you asked him to leave and don't let him worm his way back, he is a serial cheater and it will happen again and he will continue to lie and disrespect you. I hope in time you can heal from this.

I suspect it's because he'd told his friend and was afraid his wife would find out.

I just want to offer you what I can in terms of comfort.

I was engaged to a guy like this. I didn't want to believe it and I did what you're doing, I wasted a lot of time worrying about "the story". I did the mental gymnastics on this the way you are, I was worrying about details when all I actually needed to digest was "My man was a cheater".

It seems absolutely unreal when you find out, you don't want to believe it and you clutch at all these details to try and make yourself feel better - if it wasn't full sex maybe it's forgiveable, if she made him do it, maybe i can forgive him....

But then you find later evidence to suggest that he was thinking, he does know what he's doing and that he's not who you thought he was and never will be.

I think you need him out of your face for the moment, but my long term advice would be divorce and custody, although I wouldn't worry about that right now because you need to process this shock and get yourself back on your feet. It'll take time and you will struggle like I did. But if you keep people like this in your life they will continue.

Tip:

I doubt it. This is a workmate. He won't be surprised at what happened. More likely they all do shit like that.

I’m so sorry OP.

This is very different to him developing feelings for someone else or ONE one night stand (still grounds for breaking up obviously, don’t get me wrong) - this is serial behaviour that reflects extremely badly on him as a human being.

Whilst you grieve your marriage I want you to remember this really has nothing to do with YOU, I promise you. There’s nothing you should have done differently, nothing about how you look or behave. This kind of behaviour of his is a total reflection of him and his views on women. He will do this with the next relationship he has. He’s not a good person.

Your 30s will be fantastic and there are wonderful things ahead for you and your child x

Yes they probably do but the DH might have worried his workmate would tell someone else etc. I'm just surmising because what was different this time to all the other times?