DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

He’s disgusting.

I can guarantee with his wilful pattern of cheating that what you now know is STILL the tip of the iceberg. The only reason he was shifty and this all came out is because he’s been backed into a corner this time. I can guarantee someone had threatened to tell you, he knew the net was closing in as his colleague knew or he had ‘the dreads’ from drinks/drugs etc.
Allow the rage in your tummy that you will discover to keep you moving the next few days. Please book an urgent STI test.

Well that doesn't sound remorseful at all, who the hell says something like that after cheating on his wife? Has he unfollowed her now at least? I don't believe someone would take a stranger home just to give them head, nothing in it for her.
ETA: how did he excuse the sober head the next day? Off your mind on drugs you don't usually take is bad, but sober the next day is so much worse. I can't see any remorse in his actions.

Jesus you poor woman. What a dreadful shock. Please reach out to anyone that you have for support in real life, ask someone to mind your baby for you while you process some of the shock and grief if you can. Hugs to you

That's horrendous. The messages to his mate about it are so disgusting and those alone would cause me to break up with him, regardless of what he has actually done. The lack of respect he has shown you. I'm glad its over and you can start to heal

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your painful situation and bearing in mind the number of responses I'll try to be brief. I'd suggest that making rash moves at this incredibly destabilising time isn't wise. Set some ground rules and allow time to work out what you both want from the marriage now. Whether that means sleeping separately, living separately (temporarily), talking/not talking, engaging a counsellor or not. Dwelling on whether he had penetrative vaginal sex seems like a red herring. Intimate acts were undertaken and your trust is shattered. That feels like the real issue. I would also gently say that you can recover from infidelity, as an ex-couples counsellor I have seen it many times and if he is truly willing to be open and remorseful and you feel able, working through this can bring profound change and depth to the relationship but it will never be the same as it was. The fact you instantly knew and he instantly confessed to sexual activity and drugs suggest he's not good at deception and not a practised philanderer. This may bring you some relief, it may be irrelevant to you. Everyone deals differently with breaches in marriages but this is your relationship not others. Sometimes having friends telling you what to do just serves to increase feelings of shame i.e. we feel 'weak' for not leaving and that everyone will just call us a fool for staying but if he is a genuine person who till now has been a good dad and partner then perhaps it's worth considering all options. All the very best at this incredibly hard time.

You need a STI TEST ASAP.

I wonder why he was so quick to confess. He's got away with it so many times already without the need to unburden himself. I wonder if someone has threatened to tell or if he wants out of married life with a small baby.

OP I am so sorry, what an idiot!

Get yourself checked, speak to someone you are close to and take care xx

I'm so sorry @Bellanova, what a complete shit. My.XH turned out to be someone else than who I thought he was, in the worst way, it's so hard realising you can love someone and be together for years and they can turn out to he a completely different horrible person.

I am so so very sorry that you are going through this OP. What a complete and utter arse. Dig deep for you and your baby - you will get through this xxx

@nevermore I'm sure your intentions are good but are soundly misplaced as you'd know if you'd seen all the updates. He's done this multiple times & even carries video evidence on his own phone from a previous encounter.

Always click 'read all', always.

Jesus what an absolute pig. I am
so so sorry OP

I'm sorry OP. What a scumbag.
There's no version of this that is good or is going to redeem him. I have always said that though I am a very forgiving person, cheating is the point of no return for me. I would lose all trust and respect.

Egotistical wanker. Just WOW. Pondscum.

So sorry to hear this, OP. What a difficult time for you.

One thing I'd say is that for me, the really disrespectful thing is to share private details of these sex acts with his mate. He's not trying to be discreet, which is the least he could do to protect you and his family from this embarrassment. I know you've done nothing wrong, but it can't be pleasant to know that others knew you were being cheated on.

This also tells you that this has been going on for a long time. You don't go from zero cheating to videoing your encounters and sharing details with friends - this is something he's normalised in his head.

@Bellanova - please call someone to be with you, your best friend, or your mum, someone who will have your back.

If you were my best friend I'd immediately cancel my day and come round.

I'd suggest leaving this post now, and starting another in relationships if you feel it would be helpful. People here aren't going to RTFT and aren't always as kind as they could be, so as it stands now another post may be more supportive.

I'm so sorry he's such a shit. You deserve so much better. He deserves to lose you.

Well if you are determined not to end the marriage, OP, over his betrayal, what else is there to say! 🤷‍♀️

Raise your bar!!

I agree with @nellythe. The contrition and confession now is not out of genuine guilt or remorse, he’s absolutely found himself with his back up against the wall for some reason and he knows that you were about to find out some other way, so just be prepared that there may yet be more revelations to come.

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how awful this must be for you right now but know that in time you will be SO GLAD to be rid of him.

It's not impossible,but honestly, does it matter in light of the cocaine & blow jobs???? This would a destroy a relationship for me. So sorry for you OP. xx

You’ve not read the OP’s updates have you?

Oops, sorry OP, hadn't read your update

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you have a good support system with friends and family. You'll get thru this. It will be hard and take time. Give yourself grace.

Read the updated posts by OP.

Oral sex is worse !

Its like you are ok to forgive Oral sex but not intercourse?! Why?

With Sex it could of been protected
With Oral, much more chance of catching something ! Yuk!

I wonder why he feels guilty/was acting different this time, but not the other times.

That's weird.

Glad you’ve got rid. This man will never change. He will be addicted to sex with multiple women until he becomes impotent.