DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

I really don't understand why this particular time made him feel guilty and tell you though... Do you think a work friend or the girl threatened to tell you the truth and he got in there first?

I'm so sorry OP. It just keeps getting worse BUT you were going to try to save your marriage - this has now saved you a lifetime of unhappiness. You take this cheating shit to the cleaners then you get to live your life to the fullest.

Find your anger and hold onto it.

He cheated.
Why does it matter what happened? She gave him oral twice (in the morning he was sober and knew what was happening!)

Get rid of him he’s disgusting and you should have more respect!

He follows her on instagram… he doesn’t care about you.

This is awful! So sorry you are dealing with this. Just on a very practical sense is there anyway you can back up the evidence. Just in case he gets nasty and tries to deny everything when he realises you're not taking him back? Does anyone know if that's actually a useful thing to do? For further down the line if he tried to deny anything or go into gaslight mode. You don't really want a folder of those images on your phone to torture yourself with but could you back up to a computer in case he tries to twist everything.

@Bellanova oh OP!! what an utter shit he has turned out to be!! you need to take him to the cleaners and take yourself off to the doctors!! he seems to be putting it about every time he goes out or away! you could never ever trust him again!! you concentrate on yourself and your baby. he is the loser. ps make sure his parents are informed and you now dont owe them or his family anything, not even a visit from your child!

For him to boast about this screams a lack of respect for you. No shame.

I’m not sure I could stay after that. I could forgive the sex act maybe but not the boastful messages and the fact he stayed all night.

However, if you do stay with him, please drop this in when you’re having a family dinner at his parents’ house.

I sincerely hope you’re ok. Ask yourself if love can exist without respect? I don’t think it can. Take care.x

@Bellanova omg i am so sorry this is happening to you.

Make sure you get copies of messages etc because many years down the line he will change the narrative and deny everything. And your adult child may well believe him. ( I have a close friend this is happen to)

OP when I read your message about all the other women I gasped in horror. I am so so sorry. But you really are doing the best thing for your baby: showing them how to stand up for themselves and not be a doormat. Please remember that when things feel tough. I do wonder why, if he’s cheated so much before, he came home and admitted it this time? What’s different?

The details don't matter.
He was unfaithful sorry.

Men are such fucking creeps (not all men I know.. but far too many)

Just read your updates OP and so sorry this has happened to you, hope you have family or friends nearby that can support you? What a scumbag he is.

It is awful but if you don’t want to split up don’t feel pressured to.

It is possible that he is telling the truth, maybe she wasn’t up for full sex as she had her period, who knows.

I would ask him again to clarify, did they have full sex. You need to know if you need an STI check.

He doesn’t sound very responsible, you are both young tho. Only you know what is best for you and your family.

Oh wow I hadn’t read the rest.

what a scum bag. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much more. I hope you can hate him now.

Gosh I’ve seen your updates. So glad you found those and can free yourself. His poor mum when she finds out! What a lot he’s lost.

Men who have everything, really will just throw it away. I will never understand it. I wish it was more shocking but having known so many other women, including myself, be subjected to this I just can’t even be surprised. Depressing. I’m so sorry OP.

I wonder why he decided to come clean now, after having cheated before and kept silent. Possibly this woman intended to message you or someone was onto him. Either way, don’t let him try to minimise any of his wrongdoing. He’s a serial cheat and a liar. Well rid.

I’m so sorry to read what you are going through. He is a total loser, cheating wherever he can and now he’s lost you and your child. Thankfully now you know the truth you won’t spend your life wondering what if he does this again and you will go on and have a wonderful life. It will take time but project yourself to this time next year and you are happy and looking forward to your future.

To me it wouldn't really make a difference. From what you've said in your op, that's enough for me to leave.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. He sounds way to immature to be a husband or father. You can tell from the friends short responses that the friend doesn't approve or want to be involved in the conversation.

Uurgh, my first H was like this. I was clueless, until someone actually told me. TWENTY years wasted (apart from having my lovely kids). Shock doesn't cover it, I think I actually had PTSD or a breakdown of sorts. I'm so sorry.

I know you won't believe it now, but you will go on to have a happy life with someone else, and you will be glad you found this out when you did. I am now married to a different man, who has never once behaved like my first H. He's a lot better looking and could have his pick of women, but unlike first H, he actually has morals and loves me.

Onwards and upwards my lovely. A few years from now, you'll be over this and with someone heaps better, I promise.

Regardless of the details, he cheated. He broke your trust and is a total scumbag.

Now you decide whether you want to allow him to walk all over you, never trust him again and always worry when he is out of sight or you say bye bye and start a new life for you and your baby.

A marriage could never recover from this level of betrayal.

Please do not weaken in the days or months ahead and consider getting back with him. You would be setting yourself up for a life of misery. He isn't the man you thought you married. He will never change. He's a confident entitled cake eater with zilch integrity or morals, able to compartmentalise a loving wife and baby at home to happily sticking his dick elsewhere when the desire takes him.

You deserve so much more and so does your child. I'm so sorry. Please confide in family and friends, particularly as he seems the manipulative type who will change the narrative, play victim and trot out with all kinds of excuses to justify his behaviour.

What a terrible shock for you. It's absolutely decisive now isn't it. You were considering moving on from it when it was just the one woman but now it's everyone bumps into you can't possibly do that. What an idiot he is. Absolutely dick driven.

FWIW I never understand why a woman would just give oral sex and get nothing back. If I were her I would've felt quite threatened by his last message.

This, exactly. I think being off your tits and not responsible for your actions is one thing, and possibly forgivable. But in the cold light of day he did it again, which is a decision he made while in control of his senses . I'm so sorry you're going through this. Big hugs