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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
NorfolkandBad · 22/01/2025 10:19

LTB - it will be hard at first but time will show you how right this decision was.

WoolySnail · 22/01/2025 10:19

And don't cover for him, it's his shame so let his parents, friends etc know why you've split x

Flopsy145 · 22/01/2025 10:19

WildAquaBiscuit · 22/01/2025 08:21

Just for clarification, do ladies think that oral sex is different than penetrative sex? Is lack of intercourse less of a betrayal?
Interested in opinions. Imo betrayal is just that, no matter the level of intimacy. Ty.

I think it's more intimate in a way

dovetail22uk · 22/01/2025 10:19

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OMG I'm really sorry to read this happened :( I think that if cheating (and yes, he very much cheated) is a boundary for you then you need to split up. You're young and will find someone who deserves you (if you want another partner). He will do it again and continue to gaslight you.

Tiredofallthis101 · 22/01/2025 10:19

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 10:17

Just when I think it can’t get any worse it does.
He went to pack his things and I said I wanted free rein of his phone as I don’t believe a word he says.

He has a hidden folder, not only filled with nudes of his own (which I’ve never seen) and nudes of various women. But the worst of all is there is clip maybe 25 seconds of him literally fucking another girl!! You can’t see any faces or anything but I can tell it’s him!!! How disgusting who films that and who lets a guy a film that!!

Vomit. Why the hell has he let you look at that? As if you aren't traumatised enough.

Completelyjo · 22/01/2025 10:20

How disgusting who films that and who lets a guy a film that!!

Again, you’re really focusing on the wrong thing.

Arlanymor · 22/01/2025 10:21

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 10:17

Just when I think it can’t get any worse it does.
He went to pack his things and I said I wanted free rein of his phone as I don’t believe a word he says.

He has a hidden folder, not only filled with nudes of his own (which I’ve never seen) and nudes of various women. But the worst of all is there is clip maybe 25 seconds of him literally fucking another girl!! You can’t see any faces or anything but I can tell it’s him!!! How disgusting who films that and who lets a guy a film that!!

Oh god, it’s all totally unravelled hasn’t it? What an awful, awful man.

What are you going to do once he’s gone OP, can you meet a friend or family member? You need to have a cup of tea without someone you can trust so that you are not on your own. You’re going to go through a whole series of emotions once the shock starts to wear off and it’ll be better if you have someone with you.

Globules · 22/01/2025 10:23

Just read your update. Sending you hugs.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Well done on investigating and finding out about the other women

Right now, you're in shock. Take it minute by minute and hour by hour. Be assured you will get through this. Lots of us have.

Take good care

Flopsy145 · 22/01/2025 10:23

I would book in for an sti check asap ❤️ sorry that this happened to you, you might not see it now but this is a blessing in disguise that you found out now. You're still so young so you can still have that lovely life with someone else

superplumb · 22/01/2025 10:23

Havnt read all the replies but whether it was full sex or blow jobs wouldn't matter yo me. Cheating is cheating. Id leave. I know you don't want to and its hard with a baby bit how can you move forward ans trust him again. Id always be thinking he's doing it again. You are young. He's made a mistake but mistakes have consequences. Coke or not..no excuse to cheat.

MagnoliaGirlie · 22/01/2025 10:24

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 10:17

Just when I think it can’t get any worse it does.
He went to pack his things and I said I wanted free rein of his phone as I don’t believe a word he says.

He has a hidden folder, not only filled with nudes of his own (which I’ve never seen) and nudes of various women. But the worst of all is there is clip maybe 25 seconds of him literally fucking another girl!! You can’t see any faces or anything but I can tell it’s him!!! How disgusting who films that and who lets a guy a film that!!

Oh Jesus! This is utterly obnoxious, and atrocious for you to see! If he ever tries to convince you he can change and work on your marriage, please remember actions speak louder than words.

Do you have anyone you trust you could meet for lunch maybe today, so you can have a supportive shoulder in this difficult time?

Choccyscofffy · 22/01/2025 10:24

MagnoliaGirlie · 22/01/2025 10:15

Aaah as in, it's a burger made with nothing? 🤓
(Sorry, I'm derailing the thread. My apologies OP.)

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, exactly. Not sure of the point of the word, tbh, ‘nothing’ is enough.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 22/01/2025 10:25

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 09:39

I’ve asked him to leave.

Went through his instagram follows, two more girls he follows, but don’t follow him. One he followed in July last year, happens to be Italian, he happened to be working away in Milan for 3 weeks in July - admits he slept with her.
Another followed her in October, happens to be Spanish, he was in Spain for 2 weeks, admits he slept with her.

He had messaged this girl on Sunday around 4 asking if she was busy. She said no they planned drinks and he said “hope I get more tonight than I did last night lol” two hours later she cancelled.

Im furious; the marriage is over, I feel so broken and betrayed.

I'm so very sorry.

You won't feel this now, but ultimately you WILL be pleased to have found out and to have taken back your power

Sending you love ❤️

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/01/2025 10:26

I'm so so very sorry OP.

jessycake · 22/01/2025 10:28

His version of events wouldn't make me feel any better tbh

flippinnorrra · 22/01/2025 10:28

You must be devastated- I'm so sorry for you and your child. At least you have hard evidence - keep hold of it if you can as it might be useful in the future / if you have a wobble.
As this is clearly habitual, I'd be wondering why he told you on this occasion? Thinks he has an STI? Or really wants out of the marriage?
Hold on to that anger - you will get through this ❤️

Caerulea · 22/01/2025 10:29

OP - you need to stop digging immediately, it will just destroy you & you can learn nothing more about this piece of shit manbaby.

You've done absolutely the right thing to end this & trust your gut cos he's a cunt of the highest order.

Quite honestly I'm getting whiffs of him being a bit rapey, to be truthful. There's something about him saying he didn't believe her about not having sex then his expectation of having more on the second round & her pulling out of the 2nd meet-up. Everything is wrong in this situation & he's an abominable ratbag who deserves no redemption at all.

Share all of this with someone you trust so they can be a voice of reason should you waver.

You're young, this a mere blip in your life but right now it's absolutely crushing & you need & deserve support.

whereaw · 22/01/2025 10:31

@flippinnorrra Yes it's odd- why on earth has he told you now?

LEWWW · 22/01/2025 10:31

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 I’m so sorry OP!

you basically had a new baby and he was going around fucking other girls!!! Unforgivable! 😞 don’t ever let him back. Let everyone know what he has done so he can’t change the narrative. Also be prepared he might get nasty once he realises it’s definitely over.

Thisinfuriatingplace · 22/01/2025 10:34

I’m so sorry op, he is a disgusting excuse for a man, absolutely vile. You and your little one deserve so much better. Apologies if this has been mentioned, when your head is clearer I’d get checked out. None of this is your fault, he’s a scumbag. Wishing you all the best x

TeddybearBaby · 22/01/2025 10:35

So sorry to read this. I hope you have people you can go to for support in real life 🌷

Mrsttcno1 · 22/01/2025 10:37

I’m so sorry OP, you will be better off without him, book yourself an STI check asap.

I’m shocked that he was so openly telling his work mates about what he’d done, surely they know he has a partner and child at home! Maybe it’s just my husband & our male friends but they are all well known for not keeping secrets for mates like this, awful

Fluffydino21 · 22/01/2025 10:37

He's absolute scum and in a few years time when you're with someone lovely who's worth a million of him you'll be so glad you left. Try and remember that.

Be honest with friends and family why its over. Even his own family will never look at him the same again, and it's no less than he deserves.

Fluffyeye · 22/01/2025 10:38

this sounds awful

SussexLass87 · 22/01/2025 10:38

Yes - do make sure you get an STI test as soon as possible.

(And don't tell him the results...the least he can do is have to go through the test himself!)