DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

He cheated when your baby was 2/3 months old.

What the actual fuck is wrong with these men? They’re wired wrong.

Bloody hell. So sorry OP. He is awful.

Time to get organised for the sake of your DC. Don't tell him, just work out your rights and options. Get a STD check and see a solicitor ASAP.

Wishing you strength.

Sorry OP, you must be devastated, this is a horrendous betrayal to discover.

Please don't give him the time of day to worm his way back even - before your last update, all the previous cheating revealed, you seemed unwilling to end the marriage because he seemed remorseful.
But those messages to his colleague/friend alone should demonstrate he was not remorseful in the slightest. Someone truly appalled at what they'd done wouldn't review the cheating so offhandedly to a friend. They'd be distraught.

What he was showing you was remorse at being caught, he was sorry for himself and the consequences.
A very different thing, but presents as real repentance (especially to women who don't like to see men cry, who don't really want the marriage to be over either).

Don't let him back.

I am sure this hurts like hell but it will get better. You are young and you can get back your life. You will be pleased you made this decision for you and your kid in years to come. This is entirely his doing , not your fault. Good luck.

Oral is still sex! Who cares what orifice they were penetrating? It's sex and he cheated on.you and honestly if you forgive him this, he'll do it again.

I couldn't forgive it, personally. He'd be out that same day and I wouldn't be hiding the why.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. What a horrible man he's turned out to be. I can only imagine how devastating this is. Please get yourself checked for STI's as sadly you can't trust he was using protection. I hope you have family or close friends nearby that you can lean on to get you through this

Oh OP 😓😓😓 I am so so sorry, this is absolutely horrible! Please, please do remember that he did this because he is not good enough for you, not because you aren't! This is the person he is, it is not because of who you are or how you look.
I wish I could give you a massive hug and invite you for a cuppa and a good cry.

Sorry OP... Just saw your update.... Holy crap!!!! What an absolute bastard !!!! You are well rid. I wish you well.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP 💐 give yourself space & I do hope you have lots of support!

You’ve got this 💪🏼❤️

Oh, my love, I can't imagine how you feel right now. But better that you know and can make a definite plan about your next move.
It's for the best, you'd never be able to trust him again, he's a player and the fact he works away a lot seems to give him the idea that he has free reign to do exactly as he pleases.
Which he clearly has been doing, without giving you or his child a second thought.
First move, make an appointment for a sexual health screening. If he's been fuelling himself with drugs, he could have done anything with anyone. He won't have been choosy.
Sending hugs and strength. You've got this 💐

So sorry OP. Just read your update. You must be devastated. Give yourself time and get good support in real life. Tell family and friends. This is not your shame. Very best wishes to you and your baby xxx

I am so sorry that this has happened and he doesn't get any credit for telling you immediately. He still didn't say everything at once. It doesn't really matter whether a woman would or wouldn't have sex on the first meeting. He has cheated on you.

This is 100% decision what you do from now on and whatever you want to do today doesn't mean you have to stick to it forever.

I would suggest you ask him to leave for a time to give you time to think about things and try and get over the initial shock.

You'll have people telling you what to do, what they would do, but the only person you need to listen to is you.

This. Tell your trusted friends and family so they can support you. It must feel horrible and maybe embarrassing to tell, but believe me, the shame is all on his side, not yours.
I know this will be hard to even start thinking of, but seek legal advice asap and make sure that you get what you're owed and have stable finances and accommodation.❤️‍🩹

@Bellanova he's a serial cheat and for some reason this last time he's felt he had to tell you. Firstly book an STD test and secondly consult a solicitor. Rally your friends and family for support and do what you can to protect yourself.

Nah. BJs don't count. Wouldn't say it's more personal as surely sex is? But BJ is a nothing burger.

@LondonPapa Aww we've got one here ladies! Say hello to the cunt everyone 👋

He did coke and got his knob gobbled... what does it matter if they had penatrative sex. The cheating louse is a cheating louse. Yuck!

Just seen your update. What a shit. He’s done you a favour tho. He’s been so utterly despicable and betrayed you so completely that the decision is easier to make, despite you being heartbroken.

I promise you that you will get over this and create a life on your terms, that’s real, with decent people, and you’ll feel amazing.

Sooner than you think.

Also, take him to the cleaners.

Wishing you the best of luck OP x

I wonder what happened this time for him to confess. His mates messages don't supportive, maybe someone has threatened to tell you.

To be fair when I read OPs first post I immediately thought it sounds like a sex worker. Which is definitely likely for the other 2 women he met. He doesn't sound like a charmer from his "hope I'm getting more than last night lol" message... Cringe! 🤮

Yeah he will be ok with his Mrs having another dick in her mouth as it's not cheating!

I mean really? 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

This is the first time I've ever read a thread on Mumsnet that's given me that weird 'pit in my stomach' feeling. I'm really sorry this has happened. You never really knew him. He will never change. Even if he finds new friends, a new job or you move away.

But listen, you're in your 20s, you've got your whole life to live. You will find a man who will cherish you (and welcome your child) when you're ready to.

THIS
OP, even if he didn't have 'full sex', whatever that is, he has been sexually intimate with her.
My heart goes out to you OP, you have some big decisions to contemplate.
Please take care of yourself

That’s what I think

I am absolutely gutted for you.

Get everything you can out of the arsehole, I hope he ends up old, alone and lonely
Good luck op, treat yourself well and do not even consider taking him back no matter how much he may plead and beg, he has never given you and thought in this now do the same to him.

Go on and build yourself a great life for you and you lo.

At this point it wouldn’t matter if he fucked the entire Royal Philharmonic whilst dressed as a tellytubby. The ins and outs (no pun intended) of what he did is just semantics. He undertook sexual activity with someone who isn’t you. Is that someone you want to be with?