DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

Oral sex is sex
He went back to a woman's apartment, had sex, slept with her overnight then had sex with her again the next day.
I'm sorry your world has been turned upside down but you can't seriously be thinking of staying with him? He is not a good man, just look at the message he sent to a work colleague. This will be all round the office by now, he has no remorse and doesn't care that he's cheated or humiliated you afterwards.
The work friend doesn't want to be involved in this - just a 'really' to his revelation of sex. Also note how the colleague said 'which one' when he said remember the girl I was talking to. This is someone who has been chatting up a lot of women. A creep.
Ask him to leave while you process everything. It sounds like he's smothering you, trying to get you to forgive him. You need space to decide what you want to do.

So you're aware, this is a set up. He had sex with her and is covering his tracks. I bet there would've been deleted messages above indicating the set up. He's clever in a way as most women would buy it, be disgusted sure, but buy it and move on in forgiving etc. Don't buy his BS, and move on somewhere else without him.

I’ve asked him to leave.

Went through his instagram follows, two more girls he follows, but don’t follow him. One he followed in July last year, happens to be Italian, he happened to be working away in Milan for 3 weeks in July - admits he slept with her.
Another followed her in October, happens to be Spanish, he was in Spain for 2 weeks, admits he slept with her.

He had messaged this girl on Sunday around 4 asking if she was busy. She said no they planned drinks and he said “hope I get more tonight than I did last night lol” two hours later she cancelled.

Im furious; the marriage is over, I feel so broken and betrayed.

Really? Are you a man? If so, I take it you’d have no objection to sharing BJs with another man, since they’re so unimportant to you.

definitely agree with this!

So sorry OP

It you let him get away with it the first time, he will definitely do it again. If you must stay with him he needs to give you full access to his phone and not go away on weekends / holidays with work or the lads until the trust is built back up. Your relationship will be different now, I wouldn't hurry with a decision tbh, at least let him sweat a bit.

Omg! 😡😡😡😡😡😡

So he's been cheating the whole time! What a piece of shit!!! 🤢🤢🤢🤢 I'd get a STD check. What the fuck!

Oh OP. What an awful thing to have to deal with.

With kindness - even if he hasn't done it before, he could now do it again. You know he's capable.

You deserve better.

Oh love that's just awful. You're doing the right thing though and we're all here if you need a hand hold xxx

OP, I feel gut punched just reading this. I’m not sure how you can stand it.

So sorry OP. You've done the right thing.

Oh wow. I thought you were going to say he minimised it by saying they had a peck. He did all this whilst you were at home with the baby? He probably planned it. Are you sure it was definitely a work event? Either way he used it as an excuse to cheat. They probably did have sex and he's just trying to brush it off by saying she just gave him some oral sex, thinking it won't sound as bad. Kick him out!

Just saw your update - well done, you have made the right decision. I’m so sorry that he is a serial cheater - but honestly better to have found out now when your child is still young and a the breakup won’t impact them in the same way.

What an awful betrayal of you both - keep strong, lean on your friends and family - and come back here any time you need to in the weeks and months ahead as you forge a new and better life for you and the baby.

Again, well done for being brave and meeting this head on - now get angry and get some good legal advice. And evidence so that he can’t backtrack when this starts going through the courts - take screenshots etc. so that you can divorce on the grounds of infidelity and get what you are entitled to financially.

Sorry OP. This has happened to two girlfriend of mine with their partners in Spain and Portugal. Obviously, the women in these stories are sex workers. Men won’t confess to that bit.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
He is absolutely vile and unbelievably disrespectful to you.

You've done the right thing. I hope you have some real life support.

I feel quite devastated for you. This man is utter, utter filth. You have a little baby and he’s done this to you, over and over.

He is revolting. I am so sorry. Do nothing to protect him. Make sure people know what he’s done to you. And please look after your health with a STD check. I am so sorry.

So you would be ok with your partner having another dick in her mouth?

Also the fact that he doesn’t really think he’s cheated ‘sort of’ means he isn’t remotely ready to take responsibility for his actions so the offer to attend counselling is an empty gesture.

I would run from this man. You thought your life was lovely. He has shown you the reality. If you leave now, it will hurt like hell but the rewards for you will be huge. You have a chance to build your self esteem, make a life on your own terms and happiness isn’t that far away;

I left a partner after cheating - we’d been together for longer that you have and it was a snog in a bar, nothing else; it took me about three months of living apart from him to see that I was a capable and awesome person who didn’t need him).

Had I stayed, I’d still be thinking about it all. Instead I love myself, my lovely DH knows how high the bar is and I feel secure in my relationship. And I know that if he ever did cheat, I’d be just fine without him (after the initial bit that you’re going though now).

So do you want to feel like this forever or move on and be happy? I’d start asking questions of yourself because whatever he has to say is irrelevant (and dishonest). Xx

OP.... this work colleague now knows... do you think he hasn't told anyone? And it's speead thereafter to all and sundry. He has happily humiliated you publicly. These people will forever know your husband is a cheat and that you are putting up with it. You want to save the marriage because you love him??? No, you loved the non cheating husband. Bragging about it is horrific in my view. If he had ANY respect or love for you he would never have bragged about it. He's a pathetic, immature, cheating moron. PLEASE save yourself years of misery. Keep your self respect and get rid of this man child. And get checked for STIs. HE WILL DO THIS AGAIN.

Oh wow...

You won't see it now, but to be late 20s, with a beautiful baby, yours lives ahead of you both...
You will come back from this. It's disappointing you will have to deal with this excuse for a man. But the sooner you disassociate with the man you thought you knew and accept the reality of who he is the sooner you can start to really live your life.

Hug your baby. You're going to be fine x

Well done OP.

As an aside, you were "quite sure" he hadn't cheated before yet it turns out he has.

Never vouch for a man not cheating, especially if you weren't there.

Of course cheats lie through their teeth.

In my eyes he was cheating the moment he decided to go home with her. The intention was there, and regardless of what actually happened (he's obviously lying) he's cheated on you.
End it now, don't waste time and lose your self respect trying to overcome this.

Sorry just read your update.

He sounds disgusting. Good riddance!

I hope you have some RL support

Disgusting prick. Hugs OP. You are young, you can start over.

Please whatever you do, don’t listen to whatever he says next. He’ll blame drug or sex addiction. Claim he’ll seek help etc. Do not listen.