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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I ungrateful?

132 replies

modernshmodern · 21/01/2025 20:39

I had a pretty big operation a few months ago. I'm off work and in physio. Dh has had to work from home and do all school runs and dog walks plus take me to appointments. It's been rough on him and I had been in a lot of pain and on very strong painkillers so not fully with it a lot of the time. My physio wants me to start a group session fortnightly on a weekday morning as part of my rehabilitation. He booked me on the next session .

Dh was at the appointment when we booked it but then mentioned today (about a week later that he can't just take time off to take me, and that I might have to sort something else out. I suggested he drive home rather than wait, or go to a cafe and work there. He said no and then repeated that he can't just take me and it's not fair on him.

There is no one else who can take me , any family members who drive are at work or live too far away. I need support so taxi wouldn't work. I pointed this out and said if he can't take me then I can't go. And that making me feel guilty for putting on him wasn't really fair. He got angry and told me I am fucking ungrateful for everything he does. I said if he can't take me then i can cancel . He said don't cancel.

I think this is unfair because the reality is he has to take me or I don't go. If he can't take me that's fair enough but making me feel crap for it is unfair. I constantly feel guilty as it is to the kids and him. But I can't rush my recovery or I risk setting myself back

OP posts:

TY78910 · 21/01/2025 20:43

I think if he is already taking time away from work to do school runs, look after the kids, take it to some of your appointments then adding another appointment that he would need to take you to is a lot when you stack it all up.

Of course your recovery is important, and you said I do in sickness and in health , however you do need to also understand that he has a responsibility with Work and can't just take unlimited time away. I can also imagine that it's probably a lot for him to juggle and he can't add another thing to it.

Can you ask a friend or a relative?

LostTheMarble · 21/01/2025 20:43

It sounds like it’s been a very tough time for everyone. Where is the appointment held? Is there hospital transport available, or could you ask about a special care ambulance to take you to and from the hospital? Have you any other support services involved? It’s unfair to put either of you in this position, you can’t help being unwell but your husband evidently has to work amongst everything.

Whatabouthow · 21/01/2025 20:44

It does sound a bit like you just expect him to leap into action and add it to his already very extensive to do list. I think you need to explore other ways of getting there or alternative options at different locations or times.

NoSoupForU · 21/01/2025 20:45

You say nobody else can take you because they're working, but so is he. And if he's doing everything else he's likely already pushing flexibility and good will to the limit as it is.
How do people get to appointments if they don't drive?

Itiswhysofew · 21/01/2025 20:51

Awful to get angry and tell you you're fucking ungrateful. You're just trying to get your recovery done.

Is it NHS physio? Perhaps they offer transport for patients?

Baileysandcream · 21/01/2025 20:51

Him being your only source of help or support must be very hard to manage and also not ideal - what happens if he is temporarily incapacitated in some way or unable to drive?

What about hospital transport? Or asking friends? You may be surprised how willing people will be to help out if you ask them.

Poppyseeds79 · 21/01/2025 20:52

Patient transport?
Assist Uber?
Volunteer patient transport?

PromoJoJo · 21/01/2025 20:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

Pippa12 · 21/01/2025 20:55

uber offer assistance taxis, would you consider that? Or maybe post on a local facebook group, a few ‘taxis’ round here help people going to appointments/with shopping etc.

TBF, his cup does sound very full. Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds like he’s doing the majority of parenting, alongside some caring responsibilities for you and working at the same time. Perhaps he’s getting frustrated at taking time off work and getting behind. Does he get time to himself during all this?

I honestly feel for you. My DH recently had a serious accident- rendering unable to drive, go to work, do chores, parent due to lack of mobility and pain. I felt like I was going to explode after a few weeks trying to work, see to the kids, drive him to appointments, housework etc. My whole life seemed centred around him, his injuries, his pain and appointments. Honestly, I think I’d of flipped my lid at him mentioning a support group, because at that time I felt like I needed support my bloody self. I am embarrassed/ ashamed of how I felt but I’m being honest with you to show the otherside of the coin.

Original poster

modernshmodern · 21/01/2025 21:14

Pippa12 · 21/01/2025 20:55

uber offer assistance taxis, would you consider that? Or maybe post on a local facebook group, a few ‘taxis’ round here help people going to appointments/with shopping etc.

It's group rehabilitation it's part of the physio.

Thank you it's hard on both sides

OP posts:

Original poster

modernshmodern · 21/01/2025 21:19

Assistant taxi could work.

Hospital transport is out as I can't sit or stand for long periods and the issue with transport is you can be stuck in a wheelchair waiting .

It's 6 sessions over 12 weeks. If dh does the first one )he said he would put in annual leave) we could ask his dad to take me to one, and my sister to do one. They might be willing to take annual Leave as a one off. Then I could see if a taxi would work.

OP posts:

Original poster

modernshmodern · 21/01/2025 21:21

Thank you everyone some good ideas. It's hard to think straight at the moment.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 21/01/2025 21:25

The reality is that working full time, family duties full time, and caring duties full time are impossible—three things that take three people’s amount of time. I am sure money is tight but see if you could hire a student or other person with flexible hours to drive you.

Pippa12 · 21/01/2025 21:25

I’m really glad you seem to of found a way to attend. These scenarios take over your entire life, especially when you’re normally fully functioning. I suppose it helps to think out of the box but that’s tough when your in pain and in medication and the other partner is overwhelmed with tasks/ day to day life.

I really hope you make a speedy recovery. Touch wood we are on the right side of things now, felt like the day would never come. We are a team again and in hindsight, appreciate each other just that little bit more.

ALJT · 26/01/2025 19:56

I wfh and people think because of that I can just go here there and everywhere and that’s not the case - I still have to work. Sounds like it’s been tough for him and it’s been the straw that’s broke the camels back

FrannyScraps · 26/01/2025 20:02

It sounds like he's doing everything, much more than you've mentioned if you're that incapacitated and you keep piling more and more on just assuming he can take it on. I don't blame him for snapping.

Sallyblackcat · 26/01/2025 20:04

I find the fact that most people are on the husbands side distasteful. If this was the other way around, the wife would be expected to work full time, do all the childcare, wipe the DH backside, take him to all his appointments and run a beautiful spotless house. Tell him that it's unfortunate that he thinks he's being put on but that this is what he promised to do when he married you. He sounds pretty pathetic to be honest and needs to take up the slack while you recover properly in every way.

JMSA · 26/01/2025 20:07

YABU but I am sorry and hope that your recovery goes well. Hope that you manage to find a way to get to the group too. Have you tried contacting the organisers to see if they have any ideas?

Maddy70 · 26/01/2025 20:11

The hospital can arrange transport if you need it. You are being unreasonable he does need to work too

Mumlaplomb · 26/01/2025 20:12

I understand OP physio is very important for recovery and the NHS tend to offer the bare minimum. You need to go to help recovery and speed it up.

I had an accident last year and an injury which meant I couldn’t drive and needed help getting in and out of the car. I also had to stay in bed with my legs up for a couple of weeks! My husband had a bloody shock having to step up and do all the school runs, cooking, ferrying me around for hospital appointments etc and was ok for the first 3-4 weeks but did show the strain after a month. It took afew more weeks for me to be back on my feet and he did start to get snappy with me. What I found helped was asking relatives and friends to help wherever possible, taking a taxi once I could manage it, and booking the kids into wrap around care and basically pulling in all the favours to help. His work were not massively sympathetic either which added the pressure as he works shifts so had to have some time off to watch our kids when childcare wasn’t available (weekends etc), and to do the school runs.

We did get through it but there were definitely some pressure points.

devastatedagain · 26/01/2025 20:16

Another option would be for you to hire a self employed private carer that drives. Just for a few hours for physio, it's the sort of thing I used to do before I retired.

Findinganewme · 26/01/2025 20:17

You are both in tricky situations. You are understandably, in pain and feeling vulnerable. It sounds like your husband is trying his best. At the same, he may have deadlines at work, people demanding things, inconveniently timed but very important meetings etc. He may feel like he is dipping in and out and it may reflect badly on him, when he’s off for the school runs or something. It’s a lot.

you have some good suggestions there on assisted travel options. It’s clear that you are struggling and your husband cares. If I were you, I’d give him a little breathing space and build some confidence, in finding a service for you to go without him. I hope it works out positively for you and that you recover soo .

good luck

BeanAround · 26/01/2025 20:19

To be honest I think the fact that your response when he said he couldn’t do it was to say that he is making YOU feel guilty is rather unfair.

Rather than acknowledge that HE is doing a lot already you turn it around snd make it about YOU. He is just stating that he can’t do it, he is not trying to make you feel guilty. But by responding by saying he is making you feel guilty, YOU are the one guilt-tripping HIM.

Getting angry at you is not fair, but him feeling overwhelmed is understandable.

It sounds like you both need to take a breath and have a calm chat about it. But you need to accept that him having reached the limit of what he can take on is totally reasonable and you shouldn’t be making him feel bad for saying so.

NorthernSoul55 · 26/01/2025 20:19

Have a look at Red Cross and St John's Ambulance. Both offer patient transport for non urgent appointments. Might be area/ hospital dependent.

Welshmonster · 26/01/2025 20:21

DH can speak to his employers and see what policies they have in place for people with caring responsibilities.

any decent employer would support as hopefully it will be for a short time.

are there any charities that can help so your DH can have some respite?

maybe once you’ve done the first session, you can speak to other people there and see how they manage and what support networks they know about.

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