Am I ungrateful?

[modernshmodern]

I had a pretty big operation a few months ago. I'm off work and in physio. Dh has had to work from home and do all school runs and dog walks plus take me to appointments. It's been rough on him and I had been in a lot of pain and on very strong painkillers so not fully with it a lot of the time. My physio wants me to start a group session fortnightly on a weekday morning as part of my rehabilitation. He booked me on the next session .

Dh was at the appointment when we booked it but then mentioned today (about a week later that he can't just take time off to take me, and that I might have to sort something else out. I suggested he drive home rather than wait, or go to a cafe and work there. He said no and then repeated that he can't just take me and it's not fair on him.

There is no one else who can take me , any family members who drive are at work or live too far away. I need support so taxi wouldn't work. I pointed this out and said if he can't take me then I can't go. And that making me feel guilty for putting on him wasn't really fair. He got angry and told me I am fucking ungrateful for everything he does. I said if he can't take me then i can cancel . He said don't cancel.

I think this is unfair because the reality is he has to take me or I don't go. If he can't take me that's fair enough but making me feel crap for it is unfair. I constantly feel guilty as it is to the kids and him. But I can't rush my recovery or I risk setting myself back

If it's through the NHS could you get a hospital transport? If you genuinely cannot get in and out of a taxi alone then they would usually give you one if it was to get to part of your treatment/rehab.
Is there a walking aid you could get to help you be able to use a taxi?
I just think it would be good if you could find a way of getting to things that doesn't so strongly rely on your husband.

How do you think single parents cope in situations?
Op- your husband needs to speak with his work and apply for some unpaid leave/ parental leave.
He's being an arse.

I think your DH reacted like this because he's strained having to juggle work/children and your transports so forgive him. You both have a rough time and it's only human to let of some steam once in a while. Good that you can organise your transport. I wish you all the Best!

How about asking Helping Hands ?

It sounds like you've both had a tough time recently. Discuss transport difficulties with the Physio, there may be home based exercises you can do or virtual sessions or perhaps a team that can see you at home.

You mention that other family members that could help are at work so you can’t ask them….but so is your husband and presumably his employers are being very understanding with all the time he’s having to take to do school runs etc. Unfortunately, that understanding wears thin after a time and there’s no getting away from that.

I actually would vote that YANBU, as in order to recover and participate in family life again you will need to do physio and so it's in DH interest to support you to do this. Women take on all those responsibilities all the time and it's just regarded as normal. This is only a short-term situation.

It is hard for everyone but DH's work sounds like they could be flexible so it's mainly just his reluctance.

Remind him that you are grateful but you are very dependent on him and that your recovery will be quicker if you do this sort of activity so it's of benefit to you both.

Would another parent/relative be able to do the school run for a while to take the pressure off hubby?

But the difference is that it's his wife and his children so his responsibility.

I'm pretty sure if the roles were reversed people would be expecting OP to step up.

My husband has been very unwell, in hospital atm. He will be unable to be driven for clinic appointments after coming home because our car is too low. He has no strength atm and he wouldn’t be able to get back out.

We are in the NW and there is an hospital transport service for those who are unable to get to appointments independently. I expect your Trust probably operates a similar scheme.

Don’t be too hard on him. He’s done his best to support you and is probably as exhausted as you are. From personal experience, people who have been seriously unwell can become a little self-centred and don’t always appreciate what others are doing for them when they’re all in the thick of it.

Sounds like you're having a really tough time. Your DH is also having a really tough time, having another adult dependent on you and juggling it with childcare and a job is really hard. You need to reach out for other support, there is hospital transport available and you may also both be elligibe for support from social care, you for your additional needs due to your health and your DH for support as a carer, as it sounds that he is your carer and being a carer can be both physically and emotionally challenging.

I dont know what your level of disablement is but the things you need are: a Support person, a wheelchair, and specialist Taxi or transport. Do you know what transport services are available from the hospital. After all lots of sick and injured people are going to and from hospital every day and they haven't all got husband or wife and they're not left to languish.

Single parents don't have an adult dependent on them, and this works both ways. How would OP cope if she was a single parent and didn't have her DH doing the childcare, paying the bills and taking care of her.

Thank you everyone, some good ideas. Dh has put annual leave infor first one and then we will see from there.as I recover taxi may be an option.

It has been a really tough time and I have to be careful not to rush things as I could set myself back.

Pop a post on your local Facebook page as there are many groups and organisations that offer transport but really depends on where you live

Sometimes it is just overwhelming. I've been my husband's carer for over 30 years, my two youngest were a new baby and a toddler when it started. Then my maternity leave ended and I was working, looking after children, looking after him, looking after the house. Some days I just wanted someone to look after me.

It is also hard because if you need help and you have a partner it is easy to get into the habit that they will do it, they have to do it. Sometimes just asking before you make the appointment makes all the difference.

It is hard on everyone but one thing I know is DH can't walk away from this so he has no choice. I could walk away and have an easy life. I sort of think I'm entitled to some brownie points because I do choose this life although some days I get fed up with it. I know that sounds harsh but you actually have to be tough to be a carer or it would break you.

I hope you are better soon and this isn't going to be years for your both, also hope that your plans for transport work out. I'm sure you do but telling him how great he is does make things feel worthwhile. I know I would appreciate a bit more of that.

As a long term carer I can tell you it would have been easier for me to be a single parent than to be doing all the parenting and the caring for another adult.

Just to clarify I have been a single parent when my first marriage ended.

Yes people expect the wife to do it all just like he is being expected to do it all. Doesn't mean any of us find it easy.

I remember a mum at GCs school. I'd heard her husband was very ill and I asked her how she was. She burst into tears and said people were always asking about him but no one asked about her. I gave her a hug. Carers are just human, male and female.

I can see both sides. OP he is probably stressed out. I hope you recover soon.

Thinking back a few months in is a tough time, we all have energy at the start and eventually it just becomes life but there is a spot where it hits you and that is a hard time to get through.

It sounds like your husband might be burning out, as much as your recovery and supporting you is important it's important he feels supported too. It's a lot to take on whilst still working full time. Will your recovery be hindered if you don't do the group? I think you need to tell your physio that you need more time until you start the group, ask him to defer a couple of weeks until you can taxi on your own, it's surprising how much you heal in a few weeks. A couple of weeks probably won't make a huge difference to your recovery especially as sessions are fortnightly anyway and you'll be having your regular physio in between and I assume exercises at home. It sounds like you're having mobility issues are you using walking aids or a wheelchair, If you need a wheelchair can you ask for a self propelled one to assist you being more independent? When I used walkers in the past I used to taxi but leave with plenty of time to stop for a rest if the clinic was far from the entrance, is that an option?

People can only juggle so many balls - male or female, husband or wife. I’m not saying he shouldn’t try to move things around so he can but ultimately at some point his work are going to expect him to be back full time. What happens when they start to cut his pay to reflect the time he’s taking? What happens if they decide he’s no longer fit for the role (also not saying that’s right but unfortunately in the corporate world, it happens). I hate the “women do this all the time” argument. The fact of the matter is, yes OP may have done all this pre-op but those are the roles agreed upon and taken within that marriage/relationship. If husband is main bread winner, at some point his job does have to take priority in order to maintain income. I agree with a previous poster that making him feel guilty for that by telling him he’s out of order, is a pretty rough thing to do. It’s not like he hasn’t stepped up at all. There are plenty of ways around getting to the support group, as many have suggested. Why pile all the pressure on one person. It takes a village! Hopefully, once fully recovered both can appreciate how much the other has to take on.

Yes I think you are expecting too much from him

It does sound like he's doing a lot. Surely you don't want to risk his job?
Do you not know anyone who could help? A taxi as a last resort.

What surgery did you have?

Ask for hospital transport