Am I ungrateful?

[modernshmodern]

I had a pretty big operation a few months ago. I'm off work and in physio. Dh has had to work from home and do all school runs and dog walks plus take me to appointments. It's been rough on him and I had been in a lot of pain and on very strong painkillers so not fully with it a lot of the time. My physio wants me to start a group session fortnightly on a weekday morning as part of my rehabilitation. He booked me on the next session .

Dh was at the appointment when we booked it but then mentioned today (about a week later that he can't just take time off to take me, and that I might have to sort something else out. I suggested he drive home rather than wait, or go to a cafe and work there. He said no and then repeated that he can't just take me and it's not fair on him.

There is no one else who can take me , any family members who drive are at work or live too far away. I need support so taxi wouldn't work. I pointed this out and said if he can't take me then I can't go. And that making me feel guilty for putting on him wasn't really fair. He got angry and told me I am fucking ungrateful for everything he does. I said if he can't take me then i can cancel . He said don't cancel.

I think this is unfair because the reality is he has to take me or I don't go. If he can't take me that's fair enough but making me feel crap for it is unfair. I constantly feel guilty as it is to the kids and him. But I can't rush my recovery or I risk setting myself back

It does sound full on. But i can't help thinking that many women work full time, take full responsibility for the children and do caring for parents etc. And not just for a short period. It's not the work of three people it's the work of a lot of women.

Well done you for holding it all together, sorry we're not all superwoman. Many of the comments are from women who have been in the husbands situation and have found it really tough so have some empathy for other women and men who experience it. It's nothing to do with the sex of the carer.

You need to ask a friend or speak to the hospital transportation service

When you’ve been to the first one ask in the venue if they have capacity to help you in and out of the taxi and into the venue. This would be cheaper than asking your family to take A/L.

You could always ring them and ask them before too. Even a taxi company helps with this sort of thing in my area. Getting a wheelchair from reception etc.

How long have you been like this? This is what PIP is for. Do you claim PIP?

Gosh this sounds incredibly difficult for you all

Sounds like your husband is really struggling to keep on top of everything and this is the straw that broke the camels back

Is there a way to give him a break for a few days?

I think YABU to assume he can just pop home or go to a cafe, he is already completely disrupted having to work from home, do all school runs, etc

Can you get a taxi?

But in most jobs annual leave has to be approved and requires notice. You can’t just choose to take it as and when you want so it’s not necessarily as simple as you make out. Also lots of jobs don’t allow you to carry it over.

What about your network of school mum friends? Can any of them drive you to your sessions? How about a retired neighbour etc? Do you have a road whatsapp group? (we do on our close). It seems a bit unfair your DH is having to do everything for you plus trying to work - if he didn't wfh what would you have done then? - he wouldn't have been able to just book a month off work for example? I guess one of your parents would have moved into your house to care for you and sort oit your dog/kids/appointments? . Try and find someone who is free 1st before making your sister book a whole day A/L?

Or is at risk of losing his job because of how much time he's taking off to do school runs, appointments etc and doesn't want to burden his wife with the fact because she's already going through a lot!
He's already changed job so he can WFH, and it's alright saying he can get unpaid paternity leave but how is that going to pay for the bills etc?
Especially when there are other options and people available that don't risk his job but the OP doesn't want to use those!

PIP is for people with permanent disabililites not for recovery from an operation!

You’re both going through a hard time.
It sounds like you haven’t asked anyone else (family and friends) to help, or declined any offered help. Which is really unfair on your husband. You really need to ask your family and friends if and how they can help. Basically, if 6 people are able to take you once, you’ve got this entire rehabilitation covered without your husband having to take more time of work. Having been in a similar situation, I bet many people have offered help but you’ve said “no we’re fine/ my husband’s doing it” till now. It’s time to accept that help from others, or ask for it.

@Cornflakes44 not during the working day though.

I think the sex does make a difference in terms of people's assumptions. I think people often DO just expect women to get on with it and things end up falling to them by default. But conversely it's often not expected that men have caring responsibilities - particularly in the workplace men can find it harder to get their employer to cut them some slack.

Well in this case he is expected to do it and he's been doing it for a few months. Not the ops fault and reasonable for him to help his partner.but he's human possibly tired, maybe getting a bit of pressure from work. No one's the baddy in this case.

It isn't just doing school runs shopping cooking going to work. It is also caring for the unwell partner. I could work, look after the kids, do all the house stuff but add on doing the transport for appointments and all the other support my husband needed on top was exhausting

Being the breadwinner or doing the big job wasn't the issue.

He's bloody doing it and it sounds like op expects him to. Making comments about how much he loves her is low. The woman is struggling is that supposed to make her feel better?

Two years, I'll hold off with the medal, Ive been doing it for over 30 years but it isn't a competition, if he's stressed and tired he also needs some support.

I couldn't agree more with this.

And to those who've predictably made it a sex issue, it's not. It's about trying to make the other partner's working day as manageable as possible.

I can't help thinking that assertions like this are highly misleading. If you are genuinely doing a full time job, you are not, at the same time, looking after children AND caring for elderly relatives, because that is impossible. More likely they are dropping the kids off with a childminder or grandparents, doing a day's work, picking the kids up en-route home, doing the evening meal plus cleaning, then going to visit whoever need care. Literally a complete days work but I reckon there is a bit of paid or unpaid assistance somewhere and they are planning the day to minimise major duties clashing in time.

Some hospital trusts have a volunteer driver service , if you ask when you go to the first appointment they may be able to set something up for you. Or ring the physio dept or the PALS department and ask if they have this service.

Can’t you take an uber?

Or a community transport scheme if there is one in your area? Much cheaper than a taxi.

Some charities offer support with appointments like this, tho you do have to pay for the fuel. Might be worth checking hospital transport options too.

You are ungrateful yes! Your husband is doing his best and taking on the majority of household tasks, school runs, plus has been transporting you to appointments and this is still not enough for you!

Imagine if the roles were reversed, and the wife was the only one working, doing all school runs and the DH still wanted to be driven to group sessions during her working day! He would certainly have his ass handed to him!

Perhaps the guy is just exhausted and feeling fed up of balancing everything in addition to also working full time while you ask for more and more of him!

Sometimes people who are Ill become very selfish and can't consider other people's needs or the impact of caring for them on another person to the extent they become a burden due to their own selfish attitudes

Perhaps he didn't expect to become your long term 'carer', if he begins to seek comfort and support outside of this relationship, he will be blamed, so instead of wineing about how you would get to the appointment, put some practical plans in place as any reasonable adult would do!

If DH suddenly chose to leave you or God forbid became incapacitated himself, would you not find a way to get to your appointments if they are so important to you?

Kind and patient People get tired and fed up at times, you seem very selfish and centred, we get it you have an injury....but you are not the only one in your relationship that matters, on a daily basis how do you practically or emotionally 'show up' for him? When did you last acknowledge or thank him for the support given to you at this time

Keep this up and you may find yourself dealing with a lot more practical tasks alone, if my husband behaved in this way, he would be called a lot more than 'ungrateful' and I would be gradually telling him that I was unwilling to take any time off during my working day to transport him to appointments or use my leave to taxi him around

Are there any non-driver friends or relatives that could go with you in a cab?

How have you shown your gratitude?

Alot of people who drive taxies, are very helpful . If you did book a taxi you could tell them what help you need and they will let you know if they can help, or not. I agree with your husband, saying he isn't able to take you to and from your physio appointments. He is doing well, doing the school runs etc whilst working from home to look after you...l know how hard it can be for him, l was in the same position a couple of years ago. I had leukemia, 5wks in hospital, 2wks at home, continuing like this for seven months. At this time we had 6yr old and a set of twins who were 2yrs old ....My husband was brilliant, not always doing everything l would have liked to be done, but did his best.He was working too, not at home as he is a police officer......What l am saying is, you don't need to thank him every minute, but spare a thought, he is doing his best and, that's all you can ask. Wishing you a speedy recovery.