Am I ungrateful?

[modernshmodern]

I had a pretty big operation a few months ago. I'm off work and in physio. Dh has had to work from home and do all school runs and dog walks plus take me to appointments. It's been rough on him and I had been in a lot of pain and on very strong painkillers so not fully with it a lot of the time. My physio wants me to start a group session fortnightly on a weekday morning as part of my rehabilitation. He booked me on the next session .

Dh was at the appointment when we booked it but then mentioned today (about a week later that he can't just take time off to take me, and that I might have to sort something else out. I suggested he drive home rather than wait, or go to a cafe and work there. He said no and then repeated that he can't just take me and it's not fair on him.

There is no one else who can take me , any family members who drive are at work or live too far away. I need support so taxi wouldn't work. I pointed this out and said if he can't take me then I can't go. And that making me feel guilty for putting on him wasn't really fair. He got angry and told me I am fucking ungrateful for everything he does. I said if he can't take me then i can cancel . He said don't cancel.

I think this is unfair because the reality is he has to take me or I don't go. If he can't take me that's fair enough but making me feel crap for it is unfair. I constantly feel guilty as it is to the kids and him. But I can't rush my recovery or I risk setting myself back

Ring the hospital and tell them you need ambulance transport to get you to the appointment. They can then give you the appropriate number to ring to arrange it.

Long shot, but could you do these sessions via video call, or do you need to be there physically, I.e for assistance/physio input during movements etc?

Depending on where you live, your GP may be able to give you a referral to patient transport, it isn't always free but it is cheaper than a taxi.

OP, do you actually thank your husband? Yes, it's sickness and in Health, but he's managing a lot. And sometimes (eg if you feel guilty) we can actually end up pretending it's not happening, when really making sure we appreciate can help hugely.

Just make sure you are consulting him about stuff, (eg did you ask him how he felt/ how manageable that would be for him before you signed up?). Make sure you appreciate and he knows you see the effort he is making. Try to minimise moaning about details if overall he's making lots of effort for you. And try to guard time to ask him about him and how he is doing, without making it about your illness.

Maybe you are doing all these things already.... but sometimes when someone is 'the ill one', the other person can feel deleted, and basically like a dogs body whose needs don't matter. And if it has been a while already that can wear anybody down. Yes, he should be caring for you and willing to take an extra physical load while you recover. But his needs also should be on your radar, and you should continue to try to care about him in other ways, beyond the physical.

Perhaps you are and he's just being a grumpy twat. But it's not clear from your posts.

Could you request hospital transport OP if there is no one to take you?

He shouldn't have agreed to book the next available slot the words "I'm not sure I can get time off can we go for the one after" should be the sort of thing he is saying not grumble at you after stewing on it for a week

pretty sure he can communicate when needed at work why is home an issue

OP I sort of understand what you're going through as I'm in a similar situation. I've herniated a lot of discs in my back and can only leave the house if I use my wheelchair. DH and dd are doing the brunt of things at the moment. It's hard to feel you're not a burden and at the moment we can't see an end to this. It wasn't fair for your husband to say that to you. But if he's being stretched each way he probably just had to let it out. I hope you find help with the assisted taxis especially with having a wheelchair. It's hard going for you all. I hope your recovery goes well xxxx

OP I’m sorry for what you and your family are going through and wish you a speedy recovery. Would it help if you could take a bit more responsibility for having a group of friends and family who are happy to help out occasionally while you are recovering to share the load more. Often neighbours, friends etc are only too happy to help if they can. It’s too much to all be on your DH’s shoulders. If you have been there for others in the past, I am sure they will be happy to help. Do you know any retired people who can help out. A huge amount of different people helped us when DH was very ill but I had to be clear what we needed and not be too proud.

Also can you research all the possible options for other support that would help you and also DH’s load be lighter to relieve him a little. Charities that give support, pay for a carer, get some childcare, cleaner, shop on line etc if money allows?

It feels a bit like if this is necessary rehabilitation there should be a way to get you there outside of relying on family - what would a single person do?

You don't say how far the hospital is. But would he be able to take you and you get a taxi back? Or maybe vice versa if you think that would be easier. It sounds like he has been missing a lot of work already to support you, but this might be workable as a compromise?

I don't think that's altogether true. I think some people would be sympathetic and say that adding another appointment is a big ask.

Why was group physio suggested? It sounds really inconvenient Could you not book a physiotherapist to come to your home?

wishing you the best in your recovery OP, however, you’ve not acknowledged how hard this will be on your husband and it’s all about you. Please take the time to thank him, he’s understandably going to burn out.

@Sallyblackcat we all know that if a man posted on here the same he would be told he’d need to arrange a taxi or another mode of transport as it’s too much to put on their wife. Men are allowed a bit of empathy too, despite it being mumsnet 🙄

I remember your last post about your DH OP.

Taking both into account, I think it sounds like you're frustrated at not being able to do more, and he's on the cusp of burning out.

I know things are hard right now but I think you both need to cut each other a bit more slack. It's not an easy situation for either of you, so it's hardly surprising tempers are a bit frayed.

I'm glad he's able to take AL for your first appt - I hope you find an alternative that allows you to attend the rest of the appts with less stress. Some great suggestions on this thread.

My friend is a private carer, this is the sort of thing she gets paid for. Have a look online for this sort of service, it'll be under search terms like home help, home support, mobility assistance - that sort of thing. It's not astronomically priced either.

I know everyone has their limits, but I hope he apologises for the way he spoke to you. I'm sure you didn't beg to be temporarily disabled. These situations get really tough for everyone.

Community transport? Many areas have a network of volunteer drivers who can take, pick up or even accompany.You pay a fixed fee per mile and possibly a joining fee.

One of my relatives helps with the Royal Voluntary Service; mostly ferrying people to outpatient appointments. Can you see if they have a group near you who can help, or if the hospital can recommend something?
In London there's dial-a-ride for people with long term disabilities, not sure of the qualifying criteria, but there might be a similar service in other parts of the country.

I'm currently your husband in this scenario. I'm the sole breadwinner and spending all my time (and annual leave), ferrying people around for medical appointments, doing housework.. EVERYTHING. I am exhausted but have no leave left, to have a break myself. If my DH responded as you have, making me feel guilty, for making him feel guilty, I would flip my fucking lid! I get it's been hard for you, but you need to listen to him on this one.

I'm sorry to hear you've been unwell and are have a long recuperation

However, this doesn't mean that only your needs matter. Your post does make you sound very self-centred and quite ungrateful I'm afraid. You've shown zero consideration of the impact on him.

And the ridiculous posts about what would happen if the roles were reversed...well we all know everyone would be telling the OP that her DH was ungrateful, telling her she couldn't pour from an empty cup etc etc.

Yes of course you need support and he is doing loads. You sound like you just expect him to add and add to this with whatever you need - regardless of the fact he's also got to work!!

I disagree. I think whichever way round it is, both are human and entitled to feel how they feel. It has been a few months so a relatively long period of time and I can only imagine how burnt out he must feel. And of course it’s not the OPs fault but I think in this situation she could think of ways to make his life easier as he is doing with hers every day. I’m not sure why you think he sounds pathetic, most people would struggle with working, looking after another adult plus kids and the home.

Talk to the hospital about hospital transport or local voluntary car schemes.

Sorry @modernshmodern I think you are being unreasonable.

Your dh has already made substantial alterations to his life to accommodate your situation.

You need to find an alternative, as others have suggested, patient transport. Assistance taxi, volunteer service if your hospital run one.

Oh my fucking lord the bar is so low for men!

He's your husband, Looking after the house and kids on his own while you can't do your share is his duty and getting you to appointments should be a bare minimum.

I kept everything going for my husband over the couse of 9 operations, the debilitating periods in between and his recovery after. Literally a couple of years.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly I'm just wife it was my job and my duty to step up while he couldn't and secondly because I love him.

I neither wanted nor expected thanks and I absolutely didn't want him to feel guilty. He couldn't help being ill.

He clearly doesn't love you very much and cba to ensure the best recovery for you. Most women would be expected to take on all household and child related care and behave like Florence Nightingale to boot. Society just doesn't expect the same from men as evidenced by this thread.

No wonder so many men fuck off when their wife gets cancer. They're not expected to step up for women. We and our health are not worth the trouble apparently.

Your DH is having to cope with a lot, that's difficult for anyone to manage, but that's part of marriage. It's disappointing that he's got angry and called you f'ing ungrateful, rather than work with you to find an alternative solution. It's not like you yourself have any other options to call on when you are immobile and in pain. I've been a carer for my mother for a couple of years now. It's stressful, hard work, frustrating, devastating, yes sometimes I just want to scream and rage in despair, but I take that elsewhere and not put it on her - it's not her fault.

It seems like you've found a couple of options from this thread. I wonder if it might work better for DH to focus what time he has available on your medical care and appointments, and ask others to help with the life stuff like school runs, dog walks, food. There'll be other parents from school able to take your kids and bring them back. There'll be local dog owners who can take yours out with them. Online food shops, or meal deliveries, or extended family to help with cooking meals.