Page 4 | Am I ungrateful?

modernshmodern · 2025-01-21T20:39:32+00:00

I had a pretty big operation a few months ago. I'm off work and in physio. Dh has had to work from home and do all school runs and dog walks plus take me to appointments. It's been rough on him and I had been in a lot of pain and on very strong painkillers so not fully with it a lot of the time. My physio wants me to start a group session fortnightly on a weekday morning as part of my rehabilitation. He booked me on the next session . Dh was at the appointment when we booked it but then mentioned today (about a week later that he can't just take time off to take me, and that I might have to sort something else out. I suggested he drive home rather than wait, or go to a cafe and work there. He said no and then repeated that he can't just take me and it's not fair on him. There is no one else who can take me , any family members who drive are at work or live too far away. I need support so taxi wouldn't work. I pointed this out and said if he can't take me then I can't go. And that making me feel guilty for putting on him wasn't really fair. He got angry and told me I am fucking ungrateful for everything he does. I said if he can't take me then i can cancel . He said don't cancel. I think this is unfair because the reality is he has to take me or I don't go. If he can't take me that's fair enough but making me feel crap for it is unfair. I constantly feel guilty as it is to the kids and him. But I can't rush my recovery or I risk setting myself back

ThatMerryReader · 26/01/2025 22:18

Yes, very much so.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2025 22:24

modernshmodern · 21/01/2025 21:19

Assistant taxi could work.

Hospital transport is out as I can't sit or stand for long periods and the issue with transport is you can be stuck in a wheelchair waiting .

It's 6 sessions over 12 weeks. If dh does the first one )he said he would put in annual leave) we could ask his dad to take me to one, and my sister to do one. They might be willing to take annual Leave as a one off. Then I could see if a taxi would work.

What assistance do you need?

Help into the car and out into a wheelchair?

Would someone meet you at the door?

StuffedFullOfFromage · 26/01/2025 22:25

Scammersarescum · 26/01/2025 22:14

Oh my fucking lord the bar is so low for men!

He's your husband, Looking after the house and kids on his own while you can't do your share is his duty and getting you to appointments should be a bare minimum.

I kept everything going for my husband over the couse of 9 operations, the debilitating periods in between and his recovery after. Literally a couple of years.

Why? Two reasons. Firstly I'm just wife it was my job and my duty to step up while he couldn't and secondly because I love him.

I neither wanted nor expected thanks and I absolutely didn't want him to feel guilty. He couldn't help being ill.

He clearly doesn't love you very much and cba to ensure the best recovery for you. Most women would be expected to take on all household and child related care and behave like Florence Nightingale to boot. Society just doesn't expect the same from men as evidenced by this thread.

No wonder so many men fuck off when their wife gets cancer. They're not expected to step up for women. We and our health are not worth the trouble apparently.

Whilst trying to work full time?

TheFatCatsWhiskers1 · 26/01/2025 22:46

I think YABU, sorry. It sounds like he’s spinning a lot of plates. Taking your post at face value, it sounds like he’s being very supportive and if this is the first time he’s called you ungrateful I think that’s pretty good going to be honest.

I’m waiting for an operation and won’t have anyone to help me in the weeks post-op, plus I have a cat. I’ll have to rely on whatever local services are available and will need to organise a cat sitter for litter box, feeding and playing duties. It can’t all fall on your husband, there will be services that can help you. The royal voluntary service offer patient transport for example.

LankylegsFromOz · 26/01/2025 22:48

StuffedFullOfFromage · 26/01/2025 22:25

Whilst trying to work full time?

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Exactly! I work full time (to support the family). My employers tolerance can only go so far. Every day I have people at work demanding me for this or that, because I am so far behind! If I didn't work, or only worked part time, I'd have no problem with my situation. Luckily my DH recognises I can only be stretched so far. Sorry to hijack the post..

Eenameenadeeka · 26/01/2025 22:48

Sorry but you do sound ungrateful. Understandable that it's hard for you, but it's also very hard for him as well. It's already been a few months where it sounds like he needs to do pretty much everything, caring for the children and also caring for you as well, while also working full time. It really is a lot for one person and his employer can only be so patient with all the extra leave. Are you thanking him for everything he is doing?

Bs0u416d · 26/01/2025 22:54

You sound a bit annoying and self absorbed to be honest.

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 23:05

It’s hard, but he really does need to commit to the first one then come up with a plan. Some friends may be able to help. Sounds like your DH is feeling overwhelmed stepping into your shoes, like many DH’s do. But he needs to step up and remember he is meant to he supporting your recovery. He is your husband.

My ex stepped up and helped me after I had major pancreatic surgery and was in ICU for 2wks, and another one on the ward. He came to the hospital daily, helped me to shower (did feel a bit odd but I was too unwell to care) and then did took kids and picked them up every day, and made dinner for me and the kids. My family live miles away and whilst it wasn’t planned he would do all that, seeing me in ICU with all the complications made him realise how unwell I was and how I couldn’t possible cope alone with kids. So if an ex can do it, your husband certainly should be able to.

LankylegsFromOz · 26/01/2025 23:12

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 23:05

It’s hard, but he really does need to commit to the first one then come up with a plan. Some friends may be able to help. Sounds like your DH is feeling overwhelmed stepping into your shoes, like many DH’s do. But he needs to step up and remember he is meant to he supporting your recovery. He is your husband.

My ex stepped up and helped me after I had major pancreatic surgery and was in ICU for 2wks, and another one on the ward. He came to the hospital daily, helped me to shower (did feel a bit odd but I was too unwell to care) and then did took kids and picked them up every day, and made dinner for me and the kids. My family live miles away and whilst it wasn’t planned he would do all that, seeing me in ICU with all the complications made him realise how unwell I was and how I couldn’t possible cope alone with kids. So if an ex can do it, your husband certainly should be able to.

I'm sorry, but there is a big difference between 3 weeks and 3 months. If her DH has been doing everything for an extended period, then says he can't fit this extra appointment due to his work commitments, then I would hardly call that not stepping up.

Bunny44 · 26/01/2025 23:17

RoxyRoo2011 · 26/01/2025 20:53

People can only juggle so many balls - male or female, husband or wife. I’m not saying he shouldn’t try to move things around so he can but ultimately at some point his work are going to expect him to be back full time. What happens when they start to cut his pay to reflect the time he’s taking? What happens if they decide he’s no longer fit for the role (also not saying that’s right but unfortunately in the corporate world, it happens). I hate the “women do this all the time” argument. The fact of the matter is, yes OP may have done all this pre-op but those are the roles agreed upon and taken within that marriage/relationship. If husband is main bread winner, at some point his job does have to take priority in order to maintain income. I agree with a previous poster that making him feel guilty for that by telling him he’s out of order, is a pretty rough thing to do. It’s not like he hasn’t stepped up at all. There are plenty of ways around getting to the support group, as many have suggested. Why pile all the pressure on one person. It takes a village! Hopefully, once fully recovered both can appreciate how much the other has to take on.

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Who's to say OP isn't the breadwinner? Massive assumptions going on here.

Don't like how many women assume other women play secondary or SAHM roles in their family just because they do. I certainly don't. Maybe it's her husband who needs to prioritise OP's recovery so she can get back to work and earn the family bacon... There's this assumption that her DP must have a big and important job compared to her, presumably because he's had a strop? Or maybe just because he's a man?

As a side note, I know many women who do the school run but who earn more than their husbands.

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 23:20

LankylegsFromOz · 26/01/2025 23:12

I'm sorry, but there is a big difference between 3 weeks and 3 months. If her DH has been doing everything for an extended period, then says he can't fit this extra appointment due to his work commitments, then I would hardly call that not stepping up.

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It was 3wks in hospital, 8wks until I could do school run or cooking. This is one appointment he needs to commit to, to help his wife in her recovery. It’s not constant care for 3 months. He can take AL. Instead he’s making her feel guilty which is terrible behaviour. I’m sure he can fit the appointment in for a few weeks then help his wife make arrangements for help from others. He can’t just say he’s not doing it but don’t cancel, leaving OP having no clue if she can get to this appointment which is for her recovery.

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 23:24

Bs0u416d · 26/01/2025 22:54

You sound a bit annoying and self absorbed to be honest.

Self absorbed? OP has had surgery and needs to attend for her recovery. She isn’t booking a night out and expecting her DH to drive her. How on earth is expecting her DH to drive her to an appointment self absorbed? Heard it all now.

Dumbledoresniece · 26/01/2025 23:35

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. However, you do sound ungrateful. Even in your posts, you don’t mention actually being grateful for all his effort. Yes, he’s your husband and frankly, he’s supposed to step up. But that doesn’t mean you can’t show gratitude and present your issues with a context of gratitude - e.g. I would not try to guilt trip someone by saying they are making me feel guilty when I know they’ve been caring so much for me already. I’d re-think how I present that ask to them.

I spent many years caring for a sick family member. It was my duty to help. It was so so so difficult for a number of reasons. I still acknowledge that it was a million times harder for the sick family member - at least I was in good health. However, this relative made it very clear that they were grateful for all I was doing. It kept me going.

LankylegsFromOz · 26/01/2025 23:47

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 23:20

It was 3wks in hospital, 8wks until I could do school run or cooking. This is one appointment he needs to commit to, to help his wife in her recovery. It’s not constant care for 3 months. He can take AL. Instead he’s making her feel guilty which is terrible behaviour. I’m sure he can fit the appointment in for a few weeks then help his wife make arrangements for help from others. He can’t just say he’s not doing it but don’t cancel, leaving OP having no clue if she can get to this appointment which is for her recovery.

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By the sounds of it, it hasn't been just 1 appointment though. It's been many, many and over an extended period, whilst also having to work. But anyway, I recognise I'm probably projecting because I'm burnt out over my long time carers and work responsibilities.

BestZebbie · 26/01/2025 23:53

Many places have a volunteer driver service aimed primarily at elderly people but open to anyone who needs transport to get to a hospital appointment or similar. It might be worth googling if there is one in your area?

Hiiiiiiixxxx · 27/01/2025 00:12

You're expecting too much from him. He's doing everything. How would you cope if you were a single parent? You need to start taking responsibility and sort transport out for yourself. Post on Facebook groups, there are definitely taxis who help with situations like this.

Harry12345 · 27/01/2025 00:34

Hiiiiiiixxxx · 27/01/2025 00:12

You're expecting too much from him. He's doing everything. How would you cope if you were a single parent? You need to start taking responsibility and sort transport out for yourself. Post on Facebook groups, there are definitely taxis who help with situations like this.

what would he do if he was a single dad? And presumably If she was a single mum they’d need to stay at their dads or other family, she’s recovering from an operation!

mrsm43s · 27/01/2025 03:30

Can your family comfortably survive when he inevitably loses his job because he spends his working day driving you around to appointments and doing school runs rather than actually working?

I'd imagine he's been pulled up on it, and that's why he's saying he can't keep doing it. If you need a carer at your beck and call 24/7 he needs to give up work or you need to employ a private carer. You can't expect him to constantly absent from work during his contracted working hours.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/01/2025 04:17

Sallyblackcat · 26/01/2025 20:04

I find the fact that most people are on the husbands side distasteful. If this was the other way around, the wife would be expected to work full time, do all the childcare, wipe the DH backside, take him to all his appointments and run a beautiful spotless house. Tell him that it's unfortunate that he thinks he's being put on but that this is what he promised to do when he married you. He sounds pretty pathetic to be honest and needs to take up the slack while you recover properly in every way.

Oh come on. It’s important for his family tgat he is able to keep his job. Sounds like he knows he can’t take more time out , maybe it’s at a time he always has meetings/ he needs the time available for meetings/ his boss or others have said something.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/01/2025 04:28

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 23:20

It was 3wks in hospital, 8wks until I could do school run or cooking. This is one appointment he needs to commit to, to help his wife in her recovery. It’s not constant care for 3 months. He can take AL. Instead he’s making her feel guilty which is terrible behaviour. I’m sure he can fit the appointment in for a few weeks then help his wife make arrangements for help from others. He can’t just say he’s not doing it but don’t cancel, leaving OP having no clue if she can get to this appointment which is for her recovery.

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You don’t know he can take annual leave, his work would need to approve it and they might not for multiple reasons. Sometimes it is just not possible to step up and if you can’t then the pressure to do so must feel insane.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/01/2025 04:31

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 23:24

Self absorbed? OP has had surgery and needs to attend for her recovery. She isn’t booking a night out and expecting her DH to drive her. How on earth is expecting her DH to drive her to an appointment self absorbed? Heard it all now.

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It’s expecting him to drive her to many appointments whilst he is working. He is being paid to do something else during that time. He is trying hard to fit work around supporting his wife but some things just can’t give

mmsnet · 27/01/2025 04:45

you are being ungrateful,

@Zanatdy and @Scammersarescum are idiots and dont understand the realities of employment

Horserider5678 · 27/01/2025 05:52

Sallyblackcat · 26/01/2025 20:04

I find the fact that most people are on the husbands side distasteful. If this was the other way around, the wife would be expected to work full time, do all the childcare, wipe the DH backside, take him to all his appointments and run a beautiful spotless house. Tell him that it's unfortunate that he thinks he's being put on but that this is what he promised to do when he married you. He sounds pretty pathetic to be honest and needs to take up the slack while you recover properly in every way.

OP need to explore other options to get there rather than just sit and say there is no one! Hospital transport can take her on a stretcher and bring her home.
It maybe that he’s getting grief from his employer for having to continually juggle his hours to fit in taking time off for appointments and do the school run.

Zanatdy · 27/01/2025 05:55

mmsnet · 27/01/2025 04:45

you are being ungrateful,

@Zanatdy and @Scammersarescum are idiots and dont understand the realities of employment

He has annual leave. So you’d insist on your partner missing appointments he needs for his recovery as you’re working. You wouldn’t look into booking some AL for the first few at least? What kind of marriage is that? Surely any loving partner would ensure their other half could make the appointments. If not all, he can book some time off for the first. That’s life when one partner has a surgery, you have to book some time off to help.

My friend is sadly very sick, out of the blue, now end of life. I am having to book some time off work to visit her and take care of her dog. I am more than happy to use some of my AL for this. A lot of self centred people on this thread. I always carry over some AL each year for emergencies.

RoxyRoo2011 · 27/01/2025 06:33

Bunny44 · 26/01/2025 23:17

Who's to say OP isn't the breadwinner? Massive assumptions going on here.

Don't like how many women assume other women play secondary or SAHM roles in their family just because they do. I certainly don't. Maybe it's her husband who needs to prioritise OP's recovery so she can get back to work and earn the family bacon... There's this assumption that her DP must have a big and important job compared to her, presumably because he's had a strop? Or maybe just because he's a man?

As a side note, I know many women who do the school run but who earn more than their husbands.

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I said “IF” he’s the main earner. I assumed nothing.