AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

As long as other people aren't expected to pay for it outside of the family. Though, it shouldn't only apply to women.

I agree with you OP. I used to be a SAHP until my twins started school - actually went back to work the same day they started and I genuinely think it's FAR easier being in the office than looking after 2 toddlers / pre schoolers all day long.
It's also absolutely bollocks that WOHP do all the same stuff as SAHP because frankly the hardest bit about being a SAHP is trying to entertain kids all day long!
And all this "privilege" shit? Yeah it might be. It wasn't for me though. I HAD to stay home because nursery fees for 2 was more than my salary. Id have said it's a privilege to CHOOSE not necessarily to stay home.

Everyone is free to make their own decisions as to whether they are a working or SAHM parent. I think the judging goes both ways and as a working mother I found lots of people judgmental about me going back to work when my child was 3 months old. I respect people have different lifestyles and different needs and personal circumstances but also expect others to do that in regard to my decisions.

Why does it matter about 'majorities.'

People on here will be from different cultures, socio-economic environments, relationship status, family sizes. Any woman with any type of career, working patterns, you name it.

There are as many variations of work / life balance as there are women. What is normal? According to who?

You can't just argue - "Well my kids go to nursery. I work this, I earn that, I do still do everything. I am the most normal therefore I am correct, That's it. Bye."

Well you have managed to derail the thread, so congratulations for that.

What do facts matter either, mere fripperies!!! 🙄

According to statistics? According to the fact that the average person doesn’t even earn enough to afford a nanny.

You don’t even use a nanny, your neighbour does. I’m not sure why you’re so focused on them.

Why were the nursery fees only your responsibility? Couldn’t your husband have paid for nursery?

I think the urine is being extracted.

80% of people do not use nannies. That’s the majority.

That means that the MAJORITY, do not use nannies. You can see that reflected in the MAJORITY of these posts. The majority does in fact speak for the majority.

Well yeah he could have. But we'd have still been significantly out of pocket as a family and couldn't really have afforded our bills. It was enough of a struggle even without paying for nursery fees since it meant we were a salary down.
I do resent the cries of "privilege" it absolutely isn't a privilege every time. The privilege is CHOICE.
If I'd had my kids one at a time I'd have absolutely gone out to work but double full time nursery fees are just impossible for most people.

No urine extracted. I'm just saying some people use nannies.

Some people have au pairs.

Some people have their mum or MIL look after their children.

Millions work part-time around kids.

Who cares?

It’s definitely trickier with twins. Two nursery fees at once is a big hit for sure and definitely not possible for everyone.

Hopefully the funded nursery hours can help more people.

Exactly 💯 this. I was a SAHM for 6 years until my youngest went to school last September. I had a breakdown after a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by off label psychotropic drugs that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia, and this was in 2015. Before that, I'd had my eldest DD, and a good career in publishing and freelance copywriting.

I actually found being a SAHM in some ways helped my recovery. The neurological movement disorder is permanent unfortunately, but it was easier to deal with this when I was at home given that I'd lost the ability to read after my concussion too, which was devastating as a writer.

The whole thing really had and still has a huge impact on my identity, and if I'm totally honest, if I could afford to be a SAHM, it would help my mental and physical health hugely. But being financially independent and continuing my career now I'm back working part time is good for me too, in spite of having a great anxiety about how I'd cope. It seems to be good using my brain in a mood cognitively taxing way, and that also seems to help me not to dwell on my health too much as well.

It does leave you vulnerable. What if your partner died. It would be difficult to get back into the workplace. Could you work part time? Or would you want to? It was the best decision I ever made. I do more household chores, but still have my own money.

It's just not comparable unless your job is a teacher or nurse where you have to watch people for their own safety constantly.

can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job?

If you are a SAHM with young children who are not in any childcare at all, agreed.

If children are in preschool/school/childcare , you almost certainly simply have more leisure time than a working parent who also does all the cooking, cleaning, emotional labour etc.

I have found the hardest part of being a sahm is having no community - it’s not like years ago when the street was full of other mums. It’s lonely. And there’s a disconnect with working mums even when there isn’t the outright judgement, which there often is.

“I don’t know what you do with your time” - I mean, would you say that to your nanny (who isn’t even the housekeeper) or “I’d be so bored if I were at home all day” - it’s ok I’m too stupid to be bored or notice the implication.

I know it’s a hugely privileged position and I don’t want to rub peoples nose in it, so I say nothing. Our work life balance is great. When the dc were smaller we travelled in our camper 3 weekends out of 4. We have a very equitable labour split, even though it falls along traditionally gendered lines. I don’t know any woman who works who isn’t doing most of what I do alongside their job while their men slip out from under to indulge in expensive time consuming hobbies. And you can always tell the difference between mums and minders on the school yard and playground, and short of murder, no one wants to know what their childcare is actually like.

But you also can’t talk about the downsides, because despite the derision, it’s also the dream. I think it benefits dc and dhs more than dms. It creates a power imbalance that is tricky to navigate. And it’s just hard to give up all social respect.

Dh is hugely appreciative of the career support he gains - he can travel, work overtime, take on demanding contracts, and opportunities without having to consider childcare or juggle a school run. And his progression and earnings have reflected that, He loves spending time together as a family, but he gets more of the best bits.

But a bigger issue is that he just doesn’t want to step up the way he’d have to if I went back to work and as dc1 is a high masking autistic with unpredictable care needs, one of us needs to drop everything from time to time even if we employed a carer and housekeeper. I fell into it because my industry imploded during my maternity leaves, and dc1’ needs were becoming apparent towards the end of dc2 mat leave.

I wouldn’t do it without DH’s support and respect, financial security and a marriage contract (and even then I’d hesitate to recommend it). But it has undoubtedly had a great impact on the dc and I think if we acknowledged that, we could move towards a situation where there’s more workplace support to allow dc time with both parents and better career supports and safeguards (along the lines of the Scandinavian model, but even better)

Yeah agree. It's got to be easier if your kids are in school or whatever but I stand by my view that going out to work is MUCH easier than entertainment and just keeping safe toddlers all day long. That's definitely been the case for me

What if you work as a nursery nurse? What about a police officer? A&E Nurse? Teacher? Paramedic? Neurosurgeon? Are these all easier than entertaining one or two toddlers and keeping them safe? Really?

*other difficult jobs are obviously available these just spring to mind at the moment.

What job do you do out of interest? My job is certainly a lot harder than entertaining babies and toddlers (from my perspective). I’m not saying my job is more worthy, it’s just a lot more taxing for me going out to work. Just my personal experience though.

Yeah people always talk about being able to go to the toilet in peace at work and have a coffee at your desk, as if we are all office workers.
I worked in a nursery and had to look after more children that I would have as a SAHM, and do the cleaning and paperwork.

I personally disagree entirely that staying at home (comfort of your own home!) and entertaining toddlers (your own DC!) is harder work than going out to work, in any of those jobs listed and just about any other job out there. From brain surgeon to burger flipper. Sorry just can't see it.

Anyway who cares?

It's intriguing that you feel you've to explain the work involved in being a Mum to.....other Mums. We know it's bloody hard. It's not news. That's why many of us flock to the camaraderie and support of Mumsnet. Logically, you must know it's physically harder to run a house and support children when you're losing 10 hours a day to employment. You're in a position where you don't have to run yourself ragged by trying to balance it all. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Own it. You don't need to explain or justify your decisions to anyone.

Yabu.

I have nothing against sahm, but you seem to have forgotten that working mums have to do all of those things on top of paid work, not instead. I have a baby and an 8 year old. I absolutely loved being on maternity leave as it meant my older dd didn't have to go to breakfast club and after school club. Life was much nicer. I've been back at work part time for 4 months and it is really hard trying to juggle everything. I'm not saying being a sahm is easy, but it is a privilege many can't access.

I think this kind of conversation is only ever divisive. Let's all just agree that motherhood is hard. There is no need to start a hierarchy of who struggles more - and if you start comparing where does it stop? SAHMs vs working parents? Parents of big families vs parents of lone children? Single parents or step parents? SEND parents or parents of twins? Neurodivergent parents or parents of neurodivergent children? Older mums or teen mums? Mums with no support from in-laws or mums with overbearing in-laws...?

I'm sorry you are feeling undervalued and that your partner is making snide comments. Hope he can be a bit kinder.