AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

It matters when you make generalised claims about working parents that are actually irrelevant when it comes to 80% of them.

I’m really sorry you had to meet a peasant one time that must have been so difficult for you. Thoughts and prayers.

I work but I’ve also been a stay at home parent. In all honesty, I don’t think it’s that it’s undervalued per se, at least the important people in your life shouldn’t make you feel that way. It doesn’t really matter what you do anyway because you will always be judged for something. I’ll be honest, I prefer being a working parent. However, all the things I done as a SAHM, I still have to do as a working mum. Sometimes I feel there’s not enough hours in the day and I’m knackered which I’m sure a lot of parents experience regardless of whether they are in employment or not.

I don't clock out sy 5pm. I have to.leave work early to pick the kids up from school, go shopping, make dinner, organise the kids, put them to bed , deal with laundry, tidy up etc... Obviously, my partner helps once he gets home but I really don't see how you can compare being a SAHP and working/raising kids/looking after a house .
I get annual leave ,which is spent looking after my children. They don't magically disappear because you're working, you know!
Anyway, looking after children is completely undervalued, which is crazy. All parents look after their children, so we're all undervalued in this role.

Of course it’s out of touch with the majority of women! I did say that stay at home mums are so rare now because it is such a privilege. You have to be very wealthy to give up a second income indefinitely. Or else earning so little that it would be more beneficial to stay at home due to welfare payments or childcare costs. As I said in my post it’s sad women don’t really have a choice anymore - that’s because life is so expensive that the majority need to have two incomes to raise children. I know how lucky I am not to have to work, even though an inheritance is a really shitty way to become wealthy.

You weren't even talking about yourself though. You were talking about your neighbour having a nanny.

Do you have issues with comprehension?

I just snort-giggled and made a disgusting sound. Brilliant. 😂

Admit it - it was a bum burp!😂

Not every woman would make the choice to be a SAHM. I could be a SAHM, don't want to be.

Got me in one! 🤣 Cat is sitting on the table glaring at me!

No I don't have issues with comprehension. Nor have I ever used a nanny, by the way.

I just don't like the way that you get shouted down for any perspective that might not cinfirm to the 'majority' and the very narrow 'accepted MN discourse' about SAHMs and families with two working parents.

The other point of view...Don't feel bad about it: I was the child of a full-time working mother, quite a high-flyer too. The one thing I really hugely envied about my friends was that their mums met them from school, and gave them tea, but I had to make do with child carers and au pairs. I hated it even more when my mum had to go away on business. For this reason, I was a sahm mum for my children until they went to school. It meant living frugally, driving ancient cars, and doing without holidays, but we all felt it was worth it.

Was she a single mum?

The only one speaking narrowly here is you OP, everybody else is speaking for the majority. You’re the one fixated on the 10 people you know who all live in castles opposite yours, work 12 hours days, travel the world weekly for mandatory business and see their kids once a fortnight because the nanny does everything else.

You don't seem to understand what people took issue with. Nobody is denying there are families who use nannies.

They're saying it's not common at all, so you generalising about working parents having nannies (saying it's a common thing) made you seem very out of touch.

As did you explaining a nanny's duties and letting us know that some people work longer than 9-5. Many of us know that very well, due to being those people!

But your experience of people using nannies isn't relevant to the posters on this thread. It doesn't reflect the majority of women, or working parents in general. You mentioned it as though this was the norm, in a very blasé "this is what happens" way; and it just isn't.

If you'd put a caveat that only a select few did this, it would have been different. Instead you just dug your heels in and started explaining what nannies do as though us povvos haven't got a clue. You then started giving scenarios of why people use nannies. Again, we know.

But I can assure you that it isn't the norm.

Fair enough! I know some women have careers they love and are better parents as well when they go to work. Staying at home with your children isn’t for everyone. That’s why choice is important - women who want to work should be able to go back to work early. Also it would be great if more women who want to stay home could do so. That’s what I mean by choice.

Doubt OP will be back, 1st ever post.

I know. I have no problem with people being a SAHM (aside from feeling queasy about the financial risk) but the idea that SAHMs do the "real" work while us working single parents pack up our kids and shove them in a drawer after 5pm and crack open a Martini is laughable and a bit insulting.

A lot of women are doing this and a job. So obviously it seems easier. I understand when children are very young but doesn’t it eventually get boring?

No it's not ten people @Mrsttcno1. It's hundreds. Most may live like you, but that's still millions who will not. You do not speak for the majority because the majority of women don't waste time pontificating about SAHMs on MN. The majority of people also understand that people live differently to them and that - shock horror - you may encounter people with different perspectives on the internet.

Honestly OP who cares what anyone else thinks if it works for you. I am a stay at home wife, no kids. I did train as an artist and have a masters degree and I do work a few hours a day in my home studio, I sometimes exhibit, sell my work or do commissions but mostly I focus on doing what I want to do.

My husband takes care of all our living expenses. He is a higher earner we save a lot and he splits our savings equally between savings accounts in his name that he controls and savings accounts in my name that I control as well as joint accounts. He paid for the house but my name is also on the deeds. I doubt we will separate but if we did I'd be fine financially and I have excellent skills I could easily use to make a decent income.

In the morning after seeing my DH off to work I spend my time, exercising, doing my skincare, taking care of the home, cooking or baking, I love to cook and am excellent at it, the housework never takes too long as I keep on top of it. We used to have a cleaner but I never liked how they did things and I didn't enjoy having a stranger in my home, I prefer to do it myself. After lunch I spend time in my studio working or reading. When my DH gets home dinner is all ready and then we have a nice evening together with no stress.

Do people judge me for this life? Probably they do for a variety of reasons and nobody knows our financial arrangements but who cares? Its my life and I love it and I know my ass is covered financially. DH loves his work and his chilled out home life so that is what matters.

I think the OP goes wrong by implying that women with fulltime jobs get to clock off and have it easier though. I don't think that is true. I have friends who are doctors and university lecturers who work fulltime, some with small kids and sure they might not be cooking fancy dinners every week night, they might have a cleaner or have to live with a bit more mess at times but they still run their home and cook nice healthy food for themselves and their families, mostly their DH steps up and does 50/50 to make it work.

My main point is accept that no matter what you do people will likely judge and that ultimately what other people think isn't important. What people think of you is their problem.

YANBU, of course. But based on what I've been reading in MNland, "undervalued and misunderstood" doesn't even make it as an understatement 😂 "SAHMS" are genuinely despised around here and with a contempt I've never found irl. Nobody even know what they talk about with these stupid distinctions: "working mums" (as if there were other kinds of mums), "full time mums" (again, idem), and to me "sahm" only makes sense if you buy the definition of person=economic ressource to exploit and whose worth is measured in terms of capitalist efficiency.
I understand you (as a "sahm" myself): it's revolting finding yourself the butt of stupid jokes, ignorant assumptions, reviled and patronised. I've been there. But now I find these discussions and "wars" so boring. They only make "sense" among the Very Online People: the rest of us just do the best we can with the circumstances we find ourselves in.
I'm even boring myself now so I'm out 😂 If anyone has come this far: have a nice night/day 💐

Are you denying that the vast majority of parents who use childcare use nurseries and childminders not nannies?

80% is a LOT!!!

I just find perverse assertions being peddled when they are wrong!