AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Even in an office based job i struggle to get a break. I can't tell the execs breathing down my neck to deliver whatever the current critically urgent thing they are babbling on about to go watch an episode of Bluey so i can have a coffee.

You're looking after your OWN kids that you chose to have, why would society need to value that?

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant.

Because most working mom's do that plus work 9-5.

I agree with you about time.

When I used to work full time and able to afford the pricy "prestigious " nursery my child attended, it used to emphasize quality time on child care because it knows many parents didn't have time - in terms of quantity.

But then, I have found out this is not a one-size-fit-all advice. Different children have different needs, some children just simply need more TIME in terms of quantity to stay emotionally healthy, not to mention SEN children who obviously are more demanding. My personal experience, as being just one very humble data point in statistics, my child's wellbeing and behavior drastically improved with my full-on support. Just being there - whenever and whatever my child needs, it is still very important at this juncture.

I am shocked to see how many capable ladies here, either SAHM or working mum went vehemently looking down on each other's choice, as if agreeing with each other's lifestyles will be denying their own identities. There's no such thing. We can never compare two families as easy as comparing two apples. Each family has their own circumstances and simply we can't be judgy simply based on our own experience.

"People should do as they please but really, "working parents" do all of the household and childrearing stuff, AND support themselves rather than being dependent."

Not really true in all cases. When I was sah, my dh did very little household stuff. Largely because he wasn't here to do it. He did his best to be around for parents evenings and school plays and important family events but it's the sahp who largely does the day to day.

And an underpaid au pair does not do what a sahp does. I've been a childminder in the distant past and while fond of the kids in my care, looking after them was very different. Sure, they were all fed and entertained and kept safe, but don't underestimate the value of having a parent who is emotionally and mentally invested in that child's outcomes. An au pair or nanny or nursery don't care about children the way their parents do. And if an au pair was good enough, we'd all be handing out kids to the state to raise and I think we all know how that goes!

I think being at home with pre-schoolers is one of the hardest jobs in the world. So hats off to anyone who does that. I think once they are older and in school I don't really get the need to have someone off work for cleaning and cooking etc. Seems like a bit of an indulgence. Also I think a tricky message about women's place in the world (ie there to facilitate others). But in real life it's none of my business how others life there lives

I’ve worked full time, part time and been a SAHM (only for 6 months due illness). I can honestly tell you it’s all exhausting. There’s no perfect solution AT ALL. SAHM is isolating and boring. Part time everyone expects you to do the work of full time employees and all the chores whilst looking after children . Full time you miss out on your children and get sarcastic comments (mostly from other women). It’s all shit and our society pits women against each other rather than providing a supportive environment.

Working parents do all of the jobs in the home on top of working for pay. It is only the childcare part that most working parents have help with.
Working parents should (but don't always ) share the load between them outside of job hours.

What is nonsense though is when people say - "I do everything a SAHM does AND work 9-5 as well..."
Er no. Patently you do not (if the children are at home).

I don’t think any parent who works would claim to do all the childcare. It’s all the other stuff that OP writes about - the mental load and household chores. Unless you are one of the rare families that has a housekeeper and PA.

Either way, I don’t care whether another woman chooses to stay at home, work full time, part time etc but do take issue with the suggestion that because you work you are somehow free from the drudgery of running a household, the mental load and you get to clock out from 5pm/take annual leave from it all.

I hate these threads because all they show is how women judge other women for their choices.

Agree they’re really unpleasant threads and if we all supported each other rather than tearing each other down we’d all be a lot happier.

Except the childcare bit. Which is why that claim, littered throughout this thread, is so irritating and does what the op suggested, belittles sahps.

I work part time, about 4 hours a day as it happens. Now if I was to do that shift 5pm - 9pm everyday, and claimed 'I do everything the full time workers do' what would you think about that?

I am a charity worker so yes my work is hard and stressful and sad a lot of the time (albeit rewarding) but I find it 100% easier for me than staying home with 2 toddlers. Being with other people during the day, rather than isolated. Not having to watch 2 little people CONSTANTLY to make sure they don't kill themselves. And there's a lot more house stuff to do when you're at home with the kids because there are people there all the time making extra mess, extra meals to make etc. and not having people always thinking your life is easy or your lazy helps too!
I accept that once kids are at school all day it probably IS a lot easier because yes you have TIME to yourself. But no I never had that. I went back to work the day they started school. Couldn't wait!

Yes this!

In your case, you were a SAHM so of course your DH didn't do much household stuff. Generally when there's a SAHP, they take care of the housework while the other one goes to work. You can't compare that situation to one where both parents are working full time.
I was a SAHM for years but bow we were both work. When we get home our evenings are hectic as we both have to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying, laundry etc that I used to do during the day as a SAHM. Not to mention the endless ferrying of kids about which also takes a good chunk of our evenings.

Well as a part time worker for years I absolutely did do what full timers do because in my industry there is no actual ‘part time’ there is only ‘do the same as everyone else in less hours’ but anyway as I, and others, have already said no one doubts the extra childcare done by a SAHM (I say extra because working Mums also provide childcare for their children - on non working days, annual leave, weekends, evenings and when they are sick) but what SAHM’s moan about all the bloody time is everything else - laundry, ‘mental load’, admin, appointments, cooking and working Mums do all of that - we do not just go to work and then come home to immaculate houses and fresh meals made by our house elves. Our children still need appointments, we still need to arrange birthday parties, sort house insurance, plan holidays etc etc etc.

But funnily enough no SAHM seems to want to acknowledge that point just whine on and on about how very much harder they have it than everyone else while assuming that every parent who works does so in a cushy office where they drink tea all day?

I wfh with two kids in later primary so I don’t really feel like I have much skin in this game anymore but the hypocrisy from SAHM’s is, frankly, staggering and all they can do on this thread is keep banging the drum that ‘their job is the hardest in the whole wide world and have no acknowledgment that there are many, many people out there who work harder than them, children or not.

You seem very angry. Are you ok?

Ah ok, the typical Mumsnet answer when a poster makes a good point that they can’t argue with but wants to belittle them…..I’m fine thanks.

Society values the economy and raising taxes above everything else. Raising a family albeit when being in paid employment or not is the most important role a parent will ever perform. I found that being a SAHP suited our family better their father worked and still works ridiculously long hours. It meant our children had someone who could spent time with them in the evening as I had done the household chores in the day. Without that, they would have no time with a parent at all. We didn't want that for our children. I chose to volunteer when I was a SAHP and observed that it was retired grandparents and SAHP who did the bulk of volunteering and I think those roles are crucial to society also. I now work part-time and it is harder to fit everything in. I was a better parent before but I am aware what I have personally sacrificed along the way but I prioritised what I thought was more important at the time and was affordable for us. Life is different now and woman are expected to perform all roles to the detriment of themselves and although working women may feel more valued, they are certainly putting more into society than anyone else. And far more than they are valued by society. And in my view SAHP are not valued primarily because they don't pay tax not because of anything else. Some families need a SAHP because of their circumstances and some do not. Both should be equally valued.

I'm comparing ironing to cooking. The point about socks is that people have different standards. Something that MN loves to pretend isn't the case but is a huge differentiator IRL in terms of how long an activity will take.

I can 'cook' dinner in 2 mins (beans on toast) or two hours (a complicated, time consuming dish)
I can spend no time at all ironing or iron every single piece of fabric in my house which will take hours and hours.
The same is true for virtually every activity we do in life.

You can say that you see no value in ironing or cooking from scratch so think a SAHP spending hours doing these things is wasting their time or as you put it 'has too much time on their hands'. Other people may value these things more highly. You aren't the definitive voice of what is and isn't worthwhile. It is inherently subjective.

Well I haven't heard anyone saying SAHM have it harder than anyone else in the whole wide world so your angry post read as nonsense to me. I have read a lot of parents who work outside the home implying that SAHM have it way easier.
FWIW I work out the home. I'm actually sat on the train right now on my way in and I found being at home all day with toddlers way harder than going out to work and then doing all the house stuff in the evening / at weekends. Because the hard bit isn't the "house stuff" in my opinion it's being alone all day. Looking after children. I'm not sure why that makes you so angry. Which is why I asked.

I am a sahm and I love it. I know at least three other sahms too.

I don't feel undervalued by society and many people have expressed envy when it's come up in conversation. But I also wouldn't really care what society thinks - I love being a sahm and am grateful every day that we can afford it. And have a strong belief in the value of being at home with my child.

I don't think anyone else cares OP!
Personally I'm grateful I had an interesting career and could afford wonderful childcare to enable me to carry on working when I became a mum. All 3 children adults now, very happy, successful, lovely people - and without dh or I needing to give up the work aspect of our lives. Win win!

"Undervalued' implies that you expect other people's admiration or gratitude for the way you arrange your own domestic affairs. In reality, nobody is much interested.

I think, OP, that the crux of the issue is that you don’t feel valued by your partner. If your immediate family valued your contribution to the household, be it financial, childcare, running of the house, then you may care less about what others think?