AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

FFS, this again.
Being a SAHM is NOT a job. Working parents have to work AND parent. But, it's not a bloody competition.
🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I do think they can be undervalued yes. Working parents don’t “clock off” either so that part was unfair. Most parents are “working” all the time whether it be in paid employment or childcare. But I do think the idea that working parents do everything that SAHMs do as well as a full time job is ridiculous and untrue, especially if the child is below school age. I am a SAHM to a 19 month old. I spend all day every day looking after him. If I had a full time job, I would not be doing everything I’m doing now on top of a full time job. I would be doing considerably less childcare and he would be in nursery with someone else looking after him during that time. It’s not possible to do everything I do as well as a full time job.

Wait, I get to clock off at 5pm and get annual leave from childcare/household responsibilities? Fuck, nobody told me!

Yes being a SAHP can be hard, but only for pre-school children. A SAHP to school age children has it considerably easier than a working parent. For many working parents (usually mothers) you’re always either at work, working, or at home/on annual leave with your children so it’s not the easy ride you seem to think, unless your job is piss easy. It’s a different kind of hard. For me, with my job and my child, maternity leave was waaaaay easier than what came later. But ultimately, outside of the internet, no one really cares.

I tend to assume that SAHMs worked very hard and earned a load of money to either be able to afford it, or to meet a man who can enable their family to afford it. I don't really have an opinion either way on how hard SAHMs work. I'm sure ones with kids at school work less hard than I do, but so what.

I do think that this attitude is unhelpful though

I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

If we're counting domestic chores and child care as work, then working mums never clock off either. They just move from their part time job at the office to their part time job at home. I work 5 days a week, but still clean, cook, look after DC after-school and in the holidays, sort their appointments, and carry the mental load.

I'm too tired and busy as a single parent working full time to give a shit really.

All I know is the personally if I didn't have to go to work and had those hours back to do the chores, housework, mental load and everything else I squeeze in now around work, oh yeah, plus the parenting, I'd be laughing.

Neither feel the need to bring home the bacon. Boom boom.

I have seen a few SAHM posts like this where they seem to need validation. It would be such a privilege and of course raising a family is an important job, that is just a given. Other than a couple of maternity leave breaks, I have always worked full time. It is a juggle and of course while I have annual leave from paid work there is no annual leave from being a mum. I’ve had times when I longed to be a SAHM, but never made that choice because of financial security, valuing my career and having financial goals for my family. More recently I have changed my working pattern to have more flexibility for my kids and it has been awesome. There is no right or wrong way here.

I have never looked down on SAHMs, but admit at times I have felt a little jealous of what they have. But I’ve not been jealous enough to change my life, I feel that my choices will provide rewards as the kids and I grow older. I also completely respect the choices made by SAHM and recognise they may have made career and financial sacrifices for their privilege.

I do raise an eyebrow when SAHMs complain on here that what they do is more difficult than working full time, because the school planning, meal planning, shopping, cooking, school runs, clubs, homework, parental support, laundry, tidying, etc, doesn’t disappear for working mums. We do all of this too and I think we do an awesome job.

"I judge you for living off someone else's money!"

This is shitty and unnecessary. If the OP is looking after the children she shares with her partner, then she isn't living off someone else's money - she and her partner are dividing labour in the way that best suits them both! She could be working but then as a couple they would he shelling out on childcare and logistically it MH at make everyone's life harder.
Let's not pretend that a wohp derives zero benefit from having a sah partner!

OP, having said that, I would l d urge caution. I was a sahp for a long time, now back in the workplace and truthfully I regret being out of it for so long. Itcc c does put you in a vulnerable position, even if married to the nicest guy in the world. It's still all your financial eggs I. One basket. And if you aren't married, he's deriving all the benefit and you are taking all the risk!

😂

Quite frankly it doesn't matter what other people think. You do what suits your own family.

I was a SAHM while my DC were young because I hated having a working mum. DH's mum was a SAHM and he was much happier.

Some people thought I was mad but work just got in the way. And my DC tell me they are grateful. So it worked for us.

I've had dozens of jobs over the years. Being a SAHM was easier than some and more exhausting than others. Depends on the job.

I'm both a SAHM (well only work part time) and a vegan and I thought this was funny!

I'm vegan and did my stint as a SAHM too. But it was crying out for it.😊

Oh another one of these threads!

OP, working parents do everything you do. We don't just finish at 5pm and the children magic themselves fed, washed, changed, and put to bed. The house doesn't magically sparkle, the dogs don't walk themselves, and the food doesn't leap onto plates in a steaming pile.

DH and I WFH and we alternate school runs between us, cooking and cleaning, juggling things. During weekends and holidays or random days of annual leave, I can safely say I find being at home parenting is far easier than leaping between my job and other responsibilities. Thankfully, I've a DH who pulls his weight 50/50 and would never have had kids with a man who didn't.

I'd also say that being a SAHM doesn't count as that once the kids are school age. That's just being a housewife if the kids aren't even there during the day, yet many many of these women call themselves SAHMs and still find ways to begin threads like this to complain. No one is forcing you to do it. Go to work if it's so stressful and you think it'll be easier!

Also, I'd never be a SAHM. I'd never want to depend on a man, no matter how much I love my DH. When he nearly died and was off work for an extended period years back, it was my job and my wage that kept us going. We'd have drowned if not for that.

No one actually cares if you stay at home or don't. They only care when you start goady threads like this waxing lyrical about the trials and tribulations of being a SAHM, and acting like working parents somehow give a shit outside of said thread.

I was a sahm for 10 years (went back to work when DC3 was 9yo) and absolutely it is a tough gig but the fact was I also had the option of having an "easy" day if I wanted. Napped when the kids napped, watched tv whilst they played, visited friends and kids groups and had a natter and a cuppa with other mums. Yes, I had housework but I wouldn't say it was non stop and a tough gig (and I had 3 under 3!)

However dh was always grateful at what I did, me doing this enabled his career progression and initially we had DD in nursery and we both worked. But there were times his shifts had him on rest days, me at work and we still had to pay nursery as you booked the same days weekly. So I was paying £55 a day when she could have been home. It was a waste of money.

That said, I was protected. Solid marriage, named on his pension, paying my own pension and DH transferred me 50% of his monthly salary every pay day so we had the same money. Being a sahm is dangerous territory if you don't have these protections.

Obviously every family is different but in my circle it seems that it’s more of a team effort for the parents who both work whereas the SAHM’s literally do everything while the husbands work long hours and then spend all weekend playing golf / cycling etc - so I think maybe that’s what the OP means about not clocking off ?

And the husbands of SAHM’s have much higher expectations of chores etc. One of my friends DH moans if he has to take his car to the car wash! And told her he didn’t like the way she was folding his laundry !!

Nice one OP.

You've tapped the fish tank and buggered off 🙄

But thing is that all the things that you say you do during the day working mum's get to still do but after a full day at work and at weekends. Being a working mum is really hard.

Why would anyone want to be a SAHM if they have DH's like that? I'd get the ick very quickly.

Also nothing against SAHP - but the only people who should be thanking you are your family!
As many have said - being parent doesn’t switch off, not at work and not before work and not after either. We’re all doing the same as you OP and working - but at least working pays $$!

Yes so true

This sums it up for me!

This

Honest opinion:

As a mum who works part time I feel like I have best of both worlds experience of both as I have 4 days with DC at home and 3 days working. Also had a years maternity.

My conclusion - both can be just as hard as the other. There is no one size fits all. Being a mum IS hard. Full stop. For so many reasons.

On the days I’m with DC I feel like it has its own stresses for it’s own reasonings, just like the days I go to work I get home and have to make the dinner etc it’s such a rush. There’s no better or worse.

Being a SAHM might be a choice or maybe you have no choice. Being a working parent may be a choice or you have no choice but to be one

As mums lets agree to just support one another on this mad motherhood journey rather than judge :)

Personally I think being a SAHM /F the best job in the world. Never seen the point of having children only to send them to nursery for 8 hours a day. Unpopular option but I don't care. At home till school age then a job within school hours if needed. My DM did this and we all followed that because we loved her being at home and she loved being there - I always remember her saying how much she loved school holidays so we were all home. Best days for memories.

Erm, so hypothetically “asking for a friend”…I’m not my friend isn’t meant to lock them in the cellar when I’m she’s back home after work?

Oh come on you have time to sit down.