AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Agree with @MrsSunshine2b On all accounts!

I don't think SAHM are lazy or unambitious but I do think SOME have a woe is me chip on their shoulder that they have it sooo much worse than a working mum. I mean yeah if you had a job before which had no responsibility challenge or accountability then yes being a STAHM might be harder. Lots of us have challenging stressful jobs with accountability and responsibility who find parenting full time easy in comparison

Horses for courses

I think that might be because some people stretch the title SAHM out a little bit too long and those people are the people who often do ambition and become inefficient - making a big deal out of the smallest of task. Not all SAHMs are created equal by a long stretch. Some are amazing some are lazy and borderline incompetent.

One of my past colleagues (teacher) took a full five years off to be a SAHM (after the second child was born) but when she returned to work her husband took on a lot more of the responsibility for the home and children and she really went for it work-wise and was promoted to headteacher (of a large secondary school) within a decade from a classroom teacher.

I worked PT when my DC were at primary, 0.6 over 5 days - so no days off. I used the part-time bit to have no lesson 1 on my timetable so I could do the school run in the morning and get the bulk of my work done during school hours. I went to work as soon as the kids were at school and left work to go straight to pick them up. DH worked away a lot in those days so I definitely took on all the jobs you mention. My school had a day off that my kids primary didn't one day - which was lovely (spend the day pottering around at home getting on top of the house and admin)! Expressed that to SAHM friend (primary aged kids like me) whilst waiting a pick up and she grumped that she wished she could have a day off and I was so lucky 😂. I definitely was lucky in having a job that allowed me to do this and the luxury of being able to work part-time but I'm not so sure about the day off thing compared to her...

I stayed in a job that I should have moved on from because they were flexible and I could take the time I needed. I never missed a school event in 21 years. Oh apart from my youngest's last PT meetings. They were online.... duh!

We'll never know will we, because I was at home with all 3 of them. Would they be any different if they had gone to a nursery or childminder? Maybe and maybe not. It doesn't matter. They are great people, as are children whose parents worked. I did what we felt was right for our family, as did you. I don't judge your choice
And whether or not it added value to their lives, I know it added hugely to mine

I was a part time teacher when my kids were little. The days at home were much easier than the days at work looking after 30 little ones. I loved the privilege of being able to spend time with my children. I spent a lot of time taking them to activities and drinking coffee with other mums.
I work full time now and although I was knackered when they were young I wish I could go back to that time, I miss it 😢

I’m sure you know plenty of us do this
”From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant”
While working full time and carrying the emotional labour from being made to feel guilty that we are working out of the home.

Being a SAHM is a wonderful privilege and it’s my personal belief that having one parent home to be present is the best thing for a child, and even a teenager. It’s not easy to achieve in today’s society due to the cost of living, and I think there’s always some guilt attached to working parents who can’t be at home and as hands on, and often they deflect by ripping into SAHP.

Being a SAHP is absolutely a full time job, and incredibly hard work, but ultimately so rewarding and where there’s support and trust from the other parent, it can be a very peaceful and content way to live. I love it ❤️

Also, I need to add working mothers have my utmost respect. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to juggle and definitely think it’s much more diffucult if you have to do both (work and parent).

By being bitchy back??
Then your bitchy comment to me too.
Wow this thread has brought out the Mean Girls.

Jeez, pedantic! OK I wanted to be with my children full time, all day every day, from when they woke up til when they went to bed. before they started school and always at home after they started. And I was lucky enough to be able to do that.

All work traditionally performed by women, be that in the home or outside the home, is typically undervalued.

I’m the same, I do everything a SAHM does and I work on top, school runs, I don’t clock off at 5, I’m then cooking dinner helping with homework, popping a wash on, running to hobbies.

my annual leave is not for me, it’s to cover school holidays.

I’d love the opportunity to cut my stress by half and not work, but it’s not possible.

i don’t make judgements though, every family set up is different, like people who have lots of support and get weekend away as partners or regular date nights. It’s not better or worse it’s just different.

Depends how old your children are.

I think OP is probably comparing herself to her DP, who it sounds like does no childcare outside his working hours

Why is it a strange question?

You made a comment about how you wished millenials had a SAHM parent like you, a boomer did.

I asked because you said that, like most people don't have very few memories from when they were little, pre-school age - I certainly don't, and I'm a millenial who also had a SAHM as a parent. I could pinpoint similar 5 or 6 things like you can too.

But - so can my sons, who went to nursery from 8 months. They barely remember nursery but they remember going to the zoo age three, they remember having a "picnic" and watching Disney movies on a very rainy day; granted neither them nor I remember using a mangle but they do remember making shortbread. They remember those wet play suits and wellies and stomping in puddles - like you I suspect, not individual times but a mish mash of the many times we did that together.

I guess I'm asking - what memories do you think you have that are different to the ones my kids have despite me not being a SAHM?

Also - my youngest son had the benefit of his dad being home with him. So we've had it both ways in our family.

I absolutely agree. I don't think it's harder than being a working parent though. I can't imagine how I would have managed going out to work, maybe I'm just lazy 😃

I always ask this question - what value did it add to your children's lives? Because I personally don't see any difference in the children whose mothers were at home, and those who weren't.

Huge difference here between when I was sah and now- everyone is more irritable and rushed in the mornings, homework isn’t done to the same standard as when I sat next to them, less play dates, less after school activities. I’ve missed plays and birthdays and a camping trip!

But then they see me working and they see we’re less stressed financially (laughing that only rich people are sahm, some set ups mean you can’t afford childcare and so have to quit!), they now have it that everyone has to work, plus the older two drop into see me on lunch break (retail). Let’s not all act like this is all clear cut!!!

🙄

What I never understand on threads like this is why people always want to argue they’re worse off than other people. It’s completely irrelevant. You don’t have to justify your choices by claiming you’re somehow more hard done by that anyone else.

I’m a FT lawyer, but when my kids were tiny I spent a few years as a SAHM and it was absolutely brilliant. Hard occasionally with a 2y gap but mainly we had a lovely time. Some people wouldn’t enjoy it and that’s also fine 🤷‍♀️ But if you’ve chosen to do it, you don’t have to play competitive martyrs. Just own your choices.

OP, sounds like your issue is a thoughtless partner rather than working mums.

I had a SAHM until I went to school and I'm a millennial, not a boomer.

I just remember it as a haze of happiness tbh. Waking up each day and wondering what we should do or play. My mum also says it was the happiest time of her life.

Research has shown that children make emotional memories - ie, they remember feelings (happiness, fear, security) before the age of five. In fact these v early memories shape your personality more than at any other time in your life.

I don't think all kids need a SAHP btw - I'm a full time working mum - I just don't think your argument that because kids don't remember early experiences mean those experiences are not that important.

It was in my early 20s when I found my first job and moved out of the house when I met the first girls whose moms never worked professionally. Their dads were a doctor and an engineer. Back then I thought their moms were simply lazy. Then I thought about my parents who shuffled shifts and tried hard to organise childcare - and if nothing was available - they left us alone at home for hours while they went to work (it started when I was nearly 6, my sister 3). I recalled how I cried when daddy left for work and how scared I was at home alone (with my little sister napping upstairs). Today, I think being a SAHM is great, if you can afford it, and there is no shame in looking after kids and home if you really want it. I do work professionally myself, but it's a minimum pay job with deadlines that I can easily organise around my kids going to school. But if your DH is happy and if it makes you and kids happy, then I think it's fine and none of anyone's business.

God, it's such a divisive topic and there isn't really any one size fits all. Each family needs to do what's best for them and not worry what other people think. SAHM can get looked down on, but so can working mums too. When my dc were at primary there was a mum who happily admitted she went to work (not a career) and didn't even break even on her child care costs, because she didn't want to look after her kids, but that doesn't mean thats what all working mums do. Just the same as not all SAHM sit on their backsides all day 🤷‍♀️

I don't think I have noticed that attitude. I don't know many SAHMs, only one who is a good friend. Honestly I was a little jealous that she wanted to and was able to do it. We couldn't have afforded it and I wouldn't have been suited to it anyway. I worked pt when the kids were preschool and I definitely found that the best balance for me. I think she felt she had to do an amazing job, do all sorts of stuff with the kids and be really on it, because of being a SAHP. It suited her and the family really well.

I don't think you can generalise about who works harder and it's not a competition. My autistic DD was harder work than my job, for me personally, but my other DD was a breeze.

I would only worry about a SAHM if they didn't do it out of choice or if they were putting themselves in a vulnerable position.

SAHMs are like vegans....

I was a SAHM for 3 years and found it to be the most stressful experience of my life. I’ve recently got a full time job out of necessity and whilst it’s great to feel valued, drink a coffee while it’s hot, drive without hearing screaming, actually eat and take a lunch break it’s far, far harder on me than I expected and I’m resigning to go back to a SAHM (well, with a fledging start up) because I feel it’s the best for my family. The kids are exhausted and unhappy from the long days at nursery, eating healthy went completely out the window, the house looked bombed at all times, the never ending piles of laundry, the zero time for anything other than work/housework. The worst thing for me is that I don’t enjoy my kids because I need them to stop trying to get my attention because stuff has to be done and I hate that.

Both are hard jobs but the guilt of working full time has been too much to bear for me but I recognise this is a very privileged position to be in.

I think you are leaving yourself very open financially whilst being a SAHM (or Dad) - I just wouldn’t put myself in that position to be honest.

I have always worked and done everything you list (especially when the kids where at school) and you never get annual leave when you have kids!! I don’t really get your point if it’s the right thing for you and your family - then do it, but you don’t do more than working mums/dads and when the kids are at school there is definite down time then!