AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

🤔

I don’t think it’s quite as simple as sahp= happier child. I think it also comes down to whether people have had choices. For some, there’s no other option but to be a sahp. That was my mum in the 80’s, she wanted to work but felt she shouldn’t until we were in school full time. The change in her when she did go out to work, earned her own money and gained independence was clear to see. It’s one of the few things I remember from back then. I didn’t hate having a working mum, I loved it. Probably, in part because she was happier. Others have to work, but given the choice wouldn’t .
I believe that how a parent feels about what they are doing ( working or stay at home) and whether they had a choice impacts children and their ‘take’ on it.

A job within school hours doesn't exist within my industry. My husband wasn't expected to give up his career when he became a father so why should it be any different for me?

I raise my children. All parents do. Including your husband.

Exoeriences of work clearly vary if you’re working harder than ever before,

Whose personal assistant are you?

Exactly. I feel like this is something else that doesn't get talked about enough.

Aside from the financial implications of becoming a one wage household, and relying on someone else to pay for my future, why would I give up a career I love? I spent my entire 20s qualifying and training, taking degrees and postgraduate degrees, volunteering, so on so forth. I bloody adore my career and I'd hate to give up something so interesting. Not all jobs are always a slog.

It is hard to juggle sometimes if there's a project on, but I'd not have it any other way. I'm very very lucky to have a flexible role so the school runs are manageable, but lots of other working mothers can't manage that. Doesn't mean they should have to sacrifice their careers; you don't see many men doing so, as you say!

Whatever women do is a valid choice snd we all have our reasons, so just own it for what it is. There are pros and cons to anything.

What is nonsense though is when people say - "I do everything a SAHM does AND work 9-5 as well..."

Er no. Patently you do not (if the children are at home).

It's as nonsensical as say, an accountant who works in your office 5-7pm only, claiming "I do everything a full time accountant who works 9-6 does."

Or, put it another way, if you are with kids all day every day - then your husband swans in at 6, gives them a bath and a story and then proclaims he "does everything you do." That would be met with short shrift!

SAH is not about a given set of tasks. It's about TIME. It's about being the adult available to your child all day every day - going at their pace and interests, noticing and responding to their play, moods, language development - all the minutiae, minute to minute, hour to hour. You are the one making sense of the world with them, whether it's just chatting round the supermarket, creative play or the humdrum moments. You can't compress 12 hours into 2 or 3.

Women and men who spend the majority of the day at work are contributing to their child's welfare and development in a different way. It's not a competition. But nobody is 'doing it all at once.' Nobody can compress time. That's why childcare exists! So let's not pretend SAHMs at home with kids all day every day or the childminders are doing nothing more than can be squeezed into an evening. That is delusional.

That's how I feel too. I love my career, it's fulfilling and interesting and challenging. The fact that I get paid for it is a bonus.

Exactly. When I was on maternity leave, I felt my brain just aching. I love my kids, I love spending as much time with them as I can, but I don't want to be "just" a mum in the same way as I don't want to be "just" a publisher.

Maybe I'm wrong, but the threads like this started by SAHMs usually focus on the drudgery of cleaning, cooking, shopping, so on and so forth. Aside from the fact working mothers still do all of those things, if my entire life consisted of that and nothing but that, I'd personally go around the twist. I like the balance of an interesting work life as well as a warm and contented family life. It absolutely is stressful sometimes, but I wouldn't come and start a thread on it to complain. Mainly because it's my choice - as is the choice of OP and other SAHMs to stay at home.

The nonsensical tropes about the SAHM is worth the equivalent of a nanny, cook, chauffeur, housekeepr, on and on and on always overlooks that:
a) SAHM aren't doing those roles fulltime
b) SAHM aren't doing those roles to professional standards
c) SAHM are not subject to performance evaluations, censures, disciplinary processes, etc. as they would be in the real jobs marketplace.

Also when toting up what they are "worth" they conveniently forget that the breadwinner must shoulder the financing of all of the below for the non-earning spouse as well as the offspring: shelter/housing/furnishings/household supplies, heat, electricity, telecomm and devices, food and beverage, healthcare/pharmacy, personal care/sundries/haircuts/gym, clothing and footwear, hobbies, leisure, entertainment, gifts, holidays, transport or vehicle costs, garden, savings/pension, on and on.

Being responsible for which is an immense burden and certainly, offsets that claim that without the SAHM the breadwinner would be forced to spend a fortune on nannies, drivers, cooks, etc - they already ARE spending a fortune on the SAHM! Not to mention the opportunity costs of not having two incomes to fall back on, possible employer pension contributions, etc.

People should do as they please but really, "working parents" do all of the household and childrearing stuff, AND support themselves rather than being dependent.

No, I did it alongside working full-time, and my employer paid for it. Happy.

I'm glad I amused the charming person who laughed at my last post. I think you are more to be pitied than laughed at personally.

But you can't quantify it?

Mine are great people too and I am very proud of them all.

Working has added hugely to mine in the form of my pension.

I agree. Plenty of underpaid AU pairs do what a SAHM does.

I have never, ever felt guilty about not being a sahm. You shouldn't either. We all do what feels right to us.

I meant more in the long term.

You've just explained why it's so much harder to be a working mum!

I don't think all those things bother the children as much as the mum!

There are advantages for children to having a parent at home full time and it can make parenting easier. You get to spend more time with them. You have more opportunities to bond with them. You are available to them if they need you most of the time. They get a feeling of security from the consistency of having you around. You have more opportunity to get to know their friends and friends’ parents. You have more time to help with homework and to be involved at school etc.
There are disadvantages too, and there are advantages to being a working parent. I’m sure most people work it out and manage just fine but to say you can do everything a sahp does when you’re working is bollocks.

If you are a happier mum working, then do that. If you are a happier mum being there for your kids, then do that.

Also, every SAHM I've ever met have cleaners! Also, every SAHM I've ever met is a hell of a lot more financially secure than probably the majority of the population and probably the majority of posters on here. If they weren't, they wouldn't be a SAHM would they? Most SAHMs are in high net-worth families and this net-worth will be half theirs whatever happens.

It's a bit like the age-old question - would you still work if you won mega millions in the lottery. Some people would. But others would shift their priorities and focus in life. Maybe they would realise that time with family is wealth? Or take on projects or interests that they would otherwise never have had headspace for?

I had short maternity leaves because I just found it so dull. I enjoy spending time with my children but not 24/7, I need more.

I think it depends on how you are as a person. I loved being at home with my children, it just felt such a privilege. Yes if was hard but I loved being with my children.

Now they're late primary school age and I'm back to full time. Yes we have more money but getting in from a full day at work and then trying to be a good mum, make healthy dinners, run them to clubs and spend time with them is just exhausting. To then try and get household jobs, cleaning and admin done is so hard. When I was home with the children I just did it as and when.

My friend is a SaHm and does nothing but complain if they have a week where they get less time to themselves (both her children go to nursery three times a week). It does annoy me because she has no clue how hard it is trying to juggle work and home.

As a stay at home mum I am totally with you OP. I find mumsnet to be quite negative about stay at home mums. Probably because most women don’t have the financial freedom not to work, and partially to ease their guilt at being away from their children so much.

I’m not saying women should feel guilty, if they need to work to put food on the table then that’s reality and I don’t believe nursery causes significant harm to children. I just think it’s sad so few women have a choice and I also don’t think childcare / nursery is beneficial to small children. The research into this isn’t perfect but indicates that benefits of early child education start around 2.5-3 years and that’s for part time care only. It’s only children from low socioeconomic backgrounds that benefit from long hours in childcare from an early age. I worked in a childcare centre within babies 9months up to 24 months a long time ago and wouldn’t feel comfortable with my own child attending at those ages.

The commenters saying that they judge you for living off someone else’s money are ridiculous. I see my husbands money as family money, our money not just his.

I also don’t agree that being a stay at home mum makes you financially vulnerable in every situation. Personally marriage was important to me and my husband and I wanted to marry before children. That may not have been important for you.

I’m a stay at home mum partially because my mother died and left me a significant inheritance - over a million and enough to set us up for life. We own our house. We have an investment portfolio that pays dividends. My husband is likely to inheret as well. Obviously we’re both hugely fortunate to have inter generational wealth, but the way we see it is that all money is family money and all assets are owned jointly and everything goes into the one shared bank account.

My husband works 32 hours a week over 5 days so he gets plenty of time with our baby. He values and respects my role at home raising our child and looking after the house and I respect and value his role in going to work and providing financially. When he’s home he’s an active parent to our daughter and he has his own things in the house that only he is responsible for. It’s very traditional and uncommon now but it works for us.

I don’t plan on ever working full time again, and I wouldn’t consider until all my children were in secondary school.

When my children are in school and I’m a stay at home mum absolutely I will have an easier time of it than working parents, I’ll have a few solid hours in the day to myself. I just don’t see a problem with that, life is to be enjoyed and if you’re lucky enough not to need to work then why would you! My husband can retire early if he wanted to, but he enjoys his work and reduced hours is a good balance for him.

Also the women who say they do everything a stay at home parent does - that’s not factually true. For 8-10 hours a day on working days they’re outsourcing caring for their children. They would need to fit in all the housework into their evenings and weekends. They probably feel a lot more rushed and stressed than me. I certainly feel very fortunate that I don’t have to do that any more and in my situation staying at home is so much easier than when I was working frontline child protection cases in the children’s court or when I was working in a childcare centre when I was at uni. I was I truly cannot imagine being able to do both and still be happy.

And finally no don’t feel my degrees are wasted or that I’m not contributing to society. I pay tax (through my investment income). Raising children is important for our future. I can volunteer my time in the community. I can be active in my children’s school and extra curricular activities. Not everything that benefits society has a direct economic output.

Just stay off mumsnet when it comes to SAHM debates! There’s Reddit communities for stay at home mothers that you’ll likely find more supportive.

Does the childcare give your children a bath? Do homework with them? Buy them their school uniform? Take them to activities? Take them to the doctor, the dentist, the optician?

Childcare may do the routine stuff, the changing of nappies, the feeding during them during the day, entertaining them during the day - but they don't carry the mental load or have things to plan and organise! You are still rearing your children and you are still responsible for them!

Is your finger stuck on the laughing emoji? Anything to actually contribute?

@erereeee this is interesting as I 100% agree with you that it’s not really acknowledged what a sahp does. I actually think being a sahp is far worse than being a working parent. I do life admin in peace in my lunch break or sometimes if the day is quiet I can do cleaning. I use annual leave to do things I want to do. It’s great. I knew being a sahp wasn’t for me for the reasons you mention…it’s frustrating that the work involved is just not recognised, even by the kids who will have no acknowledgement probably ever that you gave up every day to care for them rather than them being in nursery etc. So my question to you is why on earth are you a sahp? Genuine question… I can never get my head around why anyone would choose it.

How did your work overspill into your free time?

I don't need to.
I'm not sure why you have such a problem with it? You've raised fantastic children of whom you are very proud. So have I. We didn't go about it the same way. I don't think being at home with them was harder. I think it was easier, and it was what I wanted to do so I was very lucky.

@BettyBardMacDonald great post.