AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

OP! I'm with you!

It's so weird! I'm the same person who got the opposite looks in my previous job!

I think at the end of the day you have to spend your time doing something you value, it doesn't really matter what others think. You are free to choose and I've chosen the same as you. Although my DH does more housework than me.

Life feels a lot more free when you focus on what you care about x

I did all that as a single mother, I also worked, paid all the bills, paid off a mortgage, did up my house and provided everything for my child as my ex managed to get away with not paying any child support. Loads of women out there just like me, it is just how life goes. If you can afford to stay at home and that suits you then I have no problem with it, some of us do what we chose, some of us have less choice due to the things that life can throw at us. My only caveat would be to get back to work when you can as you do not know what the future may hold

@erereeee

I do agree with you OP, but as you have posted this thread (with frankly, a fairly contentious subject matter,) nearly 3 hours ago, and haven't contributed to it since, I'm not going to post a detailed, lengthy response.

I’m just pointing out the ridiculousness that it’s only hard when the posters are doing it but when other women do the same it’s easy.

Nope.

And I did a masters p/t when my children were very small.

What is you have an absolutely massive trust fund. Are you allowed to be a sahm then?

Ok 🤷‍♀️ good for you. Wasn’t that a risk? Financially?

SAHM is harder because there is no down time (young children) if you work you get time to yourself on the commute or lunch break or going to the loo at the office!

Agreed. If a mum works or stays home its all the same to me. I can't imagine caring.

You were volunteering then which is a hugely vital role in our communities. You were a volunteer at that time which probably involved putting in as many hours as some part time jobs. It wasn't your status as a SAHM that should be valued it's your status as a volunteer which should be valued hugely.

I'm chair of the PTA at our school and we have around 20 volunteers only one of which is a SAHM which always baffles me. I fear you were in the minority with your putting hours back into your community.

Want to add this reminds me of a very similar post last week that was so obviously a reporter fishing for a story. Try harder.

I mean, that's the case when they are toddlers, but that's a few short years before they start school.

SAHPs do:
Laundry
Cooking
School admin
The school run
Booking appointments
Scheduling children's social lives
Housework
Organising parties/special occasions

Working parents do:
Laundry
Cooking
School admin
The school run
Booking appointments
Scheduling children's social lives
Housework
Organising parties/special occasions
Going to work.

Whilst I was at work 9am-5pm, a SAHP had 8 hours that I didn't have to do all of those tasks. I have to finish work and then start those tasks.

I don't clock off and find that a fairy has cleaned up my house, put away all the laundry, and RSVP'd to the party invites for this weekend.

Imagine being a nursery nurse or a teacher, they have to look after multiple kids who aren't even theirs all day, and then still have to go home and do all the above.

I always ask this question - what value did it add to your children's lives? Because I personally don't see any difference in the children whose mothers were at home, and those who weren't.

They are all loved and cared for and that's all we can ask for. My working gave my children so many opportunities that we could not have afforded on one income.

Does that level of bitchiness make you feel better about yourself? Because if it does I feel very sorry for you.

Wooptie fucking ping 🙄

@stayathomer sorry, I @ the wrong person!

There weren't any SAHMs on our PTA in all the years I was on it. And dads were like hen's teeth for that matter!

I was a SAHP for a tad over 2 years during pre-school years, but admittedly not during baby months, when things can more difficult. However, I've never had a single job that was easier than those two years. I realise individual circumstances can affect that, but honestly, however difficult childcare was at times, or running a house or mental load or whatever, it was still easier than my working life.
Most of that is because while what you're doing is important and tiring, you set the rules, the ways of doing things, even the timescales, and frankly kids are fun too. Most jobs don't let you run through muddy puddles, watch films, have a rainy quilt day, feed ducks, or go swimming,. or build Lego, or read books.
Cleaning is boring, but working parents have to do that, and it's only just boring, it's not stressful, your livelihood doesn't depend on it.
The mental load stuff, again you still have to do it if you're working, but again it's just booking things and sending emails and doing shopping lists etc., again it's easier than 90% of the stuff I did at work, and again I could do it my ways, with less form filling to prove I'd done it, people judging me that I had.
I would have loved to continue to be a SAHP, but money didn't allow. I do think if that if one parent wants to do it, they can afford to do it, then it is actually a good thing for the family as a whole.

I work and have been with my children for every day of their childhood? Where do you think I go when I finish work?

I also luckily have a very flexible wfh job so am here every day when my DC come home from school and have been to every single school event.

She's only speaking the truth! I am sure she doesn't need your pity either.

And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

That's probably true. But most working parents don't hire any of those people, they just do it themselves. So it's really neither here nor there.

I think it's because you must be wealthy to be a sahm. Sadly very few can afford it and you find alot of mums would love too as you not juggling children, house and work....

If you had any kind of reading comprehension you would realise that this poster is responding to bitchy comments from SAHM’s.

I'll be able to be at every school event but only because I've continued working and kept my flexibility. If I had taken the early years out, I would've lost my flexibility and had the early years with them at home 24/7 but missed school events once I went back to work after them starting school.

OMG what lofty ideals - the commute or a lunch break!!!! I wfh now TG but I fucking hated the commute - it was so so bloody stressful driving in heavy traffic that totally snarled up if a car broke down or there was an accident.

Lunch break half the time was dashing to the shops to get something so that I didn't have to take the kids after work! Sometimes I even worked through lunch!

Go back to work then if it's that great.