AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Who are you hoping will "value" you?

If you mean your children and your partner, then yes, absolutely, they should value you and appreciate what you do.

If you mean the government, then no, they don't. You don't pay any tax into the economy, and there's a good chance you won't again (quite rare for SAHMs to return to the workplace) so effectively you are now economically inactive.

If you mean wider society, why would we? I'm happy for you that you're doing what you feel is best for your kids. I'm also doing what I feel is best for my kids. What you do doesn't benefit me at all.

And there are days where really I would love to work, but I can’t. My kid can’t go in childcare and can’t even do full time school so I have no choice right now. So don’t tell me how easy and lazy my life is. I miss the change, the feeling of being valued. The fact I could sit on mumsnet and feel smug.

Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. 🙄

Cooking from scratch has benefits. Ironing socks is simply for someone with too much time on their hands.

Are you actually comparing cooking to ironing socks?!!!!

I don't think there's anything wrong with being SAHM but it's definitely not harder than being a mum who works full time.
That is really tough with young children.
Personally, I think the ideal is part time but I respect everyone has their own opinion and capacity.

‘Before kids’
That’s the point - you weren’t a SAHM?

Nobody is "hating on sahm". People are rightly annoyed by sahms moaning about how much harder they work than anyone else!

Sahms don’t get any of the thanks (or help or solidarity) and social aspects working mums get. They don’t get actual breaks daily, and people expect them to drop everything to help them out if something comes up.

op I was judged for being a sahm then when I returned to work had (generally the same people) say ‘oh your kids are going to find that very difficult, aren’t they?’ For mh I’d rather be working (not least because me and dh are having issues so it’s a relief I have a wage should what might happen happen), but being a wm is very very tough physically and logistically.

(And you’re doing great x)

You do know other people are allowed to have different opinions and experiences to you right? That some people are allowed to find parenting hard.
You don't have to be nasty.

I don't think you are lazy but saying that you work harder than you ever did in an office is not a good argument.

Most parents work in an office and ALSO do what you do: cooking, cleaning, manage appointments...the mental load is immense. I certainly don't have anyone who does these taks for me and I don't think most people have. I just do it in the evenings (when I am knackered), weekends...some admin stuff I can do during my commute.

Your "then boyfriend" - did the relationship last?

Really not "positive" at all - you made yourself very vulnerable!

What does annoy me is people who pretend that being a working mum is the same but more. No. You are not doing the mental load of childcare when you are at work (unless you work in childcare, but that’s not for your own). You pay someone to look after them. That person is doing a job.

No, we’re married now’s It was great as he supported me whilst I did some courses and I didn’t have to pay rent. Why was I vulnerable? Later on when I was working again we made sure we split it so he always paid more as he earned more.

Have you never take a career break or anything?

"Relentlessness" is a different thing - it doesn't intrinsically make the role harder.

I was using my common sense. As someone who had to do everything with my children with no help and support, from what I have experienced, those with help and support have an easier time! I know people have different experiences to me - they're my family, friends and work colleagues lol!

A sahm sticks on a load of washing and cooks dinner around her kids and it’s the hardest thing ever, a working parent does it on a Saturday or during their non working week days and it’s a “day off” 😂

I wouldn't say high standards, more saving my feet from the inevitable stray toy, you know the one, that's really fucking sharp especially when you tread on it🤣

I think we can't win as mothers. Friends who worked full time felt judged by SAHMs; I worked part time and had comments from full time colleagues about how I was restricting my career, and from SAH friends about how they could never let their babies be looked after by anyone else.
We all make our own choices - although there are those who genuinely have no choice in what they do.
Personally I only judge people for being judgey. Very often some of tbe comments are from people who are either jealous or are trying to justify their own decisions.

That wasn’t what I said. I said “Who looks after the children if YOU’RE ill” - not “if THEY’RE ill”. I was referring to myself, not the children. My point is that mothers get no automatic right to any time off, even if they’re ill.

Do you want a medal? You chose to have kids. You chose to go back to work.

Of course not. I didn't say anything even vaguely approaching that? I wanted to be at home with my children and consider myself very lucky that I was able to do that. I didn't martyr myself. I just find it sad that the majority of comments seem to be negative towards staying at home with children. Not everyone wants to do it, and some who want to aren't able to. But the consensus seemed to be that it's not a good idea in general. And that's what I found sad.

Ok, change of word. I didn't want my children cared for by someone else. I wanted to be with them for every day of their childhood, be at every school event etc etc

I doubt very much the OP is darning and ironing socks either.

I've been a SAHM (when my DC were pre school age) worked pt, and now work ft.

I definitely think there is value beyond a SAHP own family. When I was at home I volunteered at a toddler group for about 6 years - it was a popular group and parents told me they liked that I did messy crafts etc because they are things they might not have done at home. As a parent I appreciated going to toddler groups where I could meet other mums, my kids could do different things and play with other toys etc (I know some of MN has a problem with mum and baby groups but irl lots of people use them - ours had a waiting list!)

But as a SAHM I benefitted from the nursery teachers, doctors, teachers, HVs etc that were working parents.

As a working mum I benefitted from the SAHM mums that routinely volunteered at school, went in to hear reading etc, or picked up my child on a few occasions when my train was held up - i repaid the favour at another time. (Obviously working parents volunteered as well at school, but the regular volunteers were SAHP)

You were totally reliant on him and we've all seen how that can go.

At least when you're married, you have some protection. I would never have relied on a boyfriend (nor a husband either, for that matter!)