AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Agree. I chose to have children, why wouldn't I want to be with them when it was possible for me??

I suppose at least my grandfather benefitted from never having to lift a finger at home. Other then the dishes and the hoovering, or turning on the oven in the morning. Everything else was very much my grandmother's job.

My point was there is just different levels. Cooking a meal from scratch for 2 hours is different to putting in some fishfinger in the oven and boiling some peas

I did just that and guess what?!? I still think being a SAHP can be harder than working. I don't think all SAHPs should rush back to work though because most people aren't making these types of decisions on the basis of what is easiest.

Magic fairy.🙈🙈🙈

You were fortunate to be able to get back into it again. I would have thought 4 years would have left you a lot behind in the world of IT @Joynajoy8 !

Not undervalued but are you not bored to death?

Like everything that's a choice? Nor sure I've ever been truly bored in my life. I started another degree when dc1 was 8 months old, packed my days with activities and as he got older added volunteering. Pretty sure my last shift in a community charity shop contributed to me going into labour with dc2 a few hours later and went back with her in a sling when she was 6 months.

Oh this poor OP.

You get to have a coffee as a Mother but not at work ?

What about going to the toilet ? Do your colleagues let you toilet ? Alone ? Because as I recall my toddler didn’t.

A sahm works hard and it’s a valid choice. Why are you acting like you’re all working and running a home ? There’s no home to run or mess to come home to because kids are outsourced which is absolutely fine & a valid choice but you ship them out. Your house doesn’t get messy in the first place as you’re all out during the week.

Here we go.

Working parents raise their children too. Nursery care for children, they don't raise them.

Doesn't everyone just do what suits their family best?
IRL I don't think there is the strength of opinion that there seems to be on here and other such outlets. Everyone is too busy getting in with it.

I've stayed at home with little ones, worked part time, full time and now I'm a housewife I guess because the children are teens and adults.
We've always done what was best for all of us, who cares what anyone else thinks.

I think it’s probably less to do with wanting validation from people, it’s not wanting the criticism that comes with being a SAHP, that many of you have demonstrated on here to the OP. People (women) feel like it’s their right to say either outright nasty or passive aggressive comments towards SAHPs.

When a working parent says they work, they get asked questions about it or indifference.
When a SAHP says they are a stay at home parent they get raised eyebrows, rude questions and passive aggression etc. All demonstrated rather horribly on this thread.

I don’t understand it. We are all just trying our best with our own personal circumstances whether we are stay at home parents or working.

Do you really think that your children are superior in any way to mine, just because I worked and you didn't?

Personally I can't see any difference. I think it's bullshit. If you want to stay at home, do it. Just don't pretend that you are some kind of martyr to your children!

So WTAF do you think runs the home??? FFS!

Ever hear of dust lol???

Loads of people do things that I think are completely unnecessary but they view as important. These things are hugely subjective and largely depend on what you as an individual value.

A good example of this is cooking. Lots of people thinking cooking from scratch is important but many don't. The latter group could argue that the former has too much time on their hands slaving over a stove for an hour each day when they could just bung something preprepared into the oven. You may have an opinion on who is right but my point is that it would only be an opinion!

Well either you have a lot of help and support, or you're lying.

The juggling that a working mum has to do to keep all the balls in the air is far, far different to devoting all of her days to her home and children.

It's bloody common sense!

The thing is if a working mum had started a thread about how easy SAHM’s have it compared to them there would be lots of replies from pissed off SAHM’s.

No one is saying that anyone will sit on their deathbed wishing they hadn’t stayed at home, what people are saying is that it isn’t any harder than being a working parent. This is a fair point that people have every right to make, it doesn’t make it a judgemental statement.

If SAHM’s stopped acting like as soon as you get a paid job you get assigned a magical fairy who cleans your house, cooks meals and looks after your kids on evenings, weekends and during annual leave, then we would probably all get along a bit better.

It wasn't ever for me. Mainly because of the financial vulnerability that comes with it. I felt that men (I am generalising) with children continued their career path relatively untroubled whilst women with children got detailed by their caring responsibilities. That didn't seem right, and it certainly didn't feel right for me.

I disagree. Before kids I took some time out of work and did some courses whilst my then boyfriend paid for things. That was seen as really positive.

and you think working mothers don't get comments?

Just on this thread alone there is implications that working mothers don't raise their children, they ''ship them out'' etc.

I think it's sad how many people think being at home is a bad thing.

Most people don't care what other people do as long as their choices aren't being judged. Most of the vitriol spirals from someone claiming x is better and y sucks, when in reality people prefer different things. Sometimes people point out reality ie if you're not married and don't have lots of your own savings/assets you're making yourself very vulnerable by leaving the paid workforce; but that isn't thinking it's inherently bad.

Who are you to call me a liar or imply I've had a lot of help and support? You need to use your common sense and accept that people have different experiences to you. Working parents may juggle more but I found being a SAHP far more intense and relentless. Horses for courses and all that but I find the juggle much easier than the relentlessness of being at home.

Cooking from scratch usually has nutritional benefits. Ironing socks doesn't.

That isn't an opinion, it's fact.

I did it for three years. So unbelievably easy compared to working a job AND doing it like I do now.

That’s not how it was though. It wasn’t saying we have different jobs, different interests etc and it’s all good but hard. It was just saying there is no respect at all and a lot of judgement. Is it really that hard for a Woking mum to go “cool good for you!” And understand when it’s tough? I personally find being a sahm being tougher than any job I’ve had. I get hardly any sleep, screaming meltdowns all day I literally never stop. I’m on this now with ear defenders on as my kids are finally occupied for a minute. I used to get proper breaks at work. That is my experience. However I fully respect that some of my working mum friends have a hideously hard time. We all have a hard time. We’re women.

Are people eating socks?

I think being a SAHM to babies/toddlers and primary school kids is a whole different scenario to secondary age kids.

Being with toddlers is full-on and you don't get a moment to yourself when with them. But the thing about cleaning, cooking, laundry, admin, mental load, lots of working parents deal with that fitting it around work and looking after kids. So the nanny is really the only person you'd be replacing from your list.

I know several SAHM of teens/uni age kids, and I do think their life seems from the outside fairly easy and enjoyable. I enjoy my job but I am a bit envious of having that much free time!