AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

I would love to a SAHM, I don’t judge anyone if anything I’m envious.

I find working with kids so much harder than when I was in mat leave for a year each time. The guilt of leaving my kids, feeling like I’m doing both roles badly. Being at home comes very easy to me (which it doesn’t for everyone).

Why should society hugely value stay at home mums? It's a choice you have made for the benefit for you and your family, no one else. It doesn't mean anything to anyone else.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant.

I work full time and do all of the above, I'm pretty sure all of the above would feel easier if I didn't work 5 days a week too.
You sound like you think you deserve some kind of reward, but you have your reward, you do what you like when you like, and whether you like to admit it or not you have a lot more time on your hands than someone who works, that's just fact,

I work part time around the kids school times. I dont know many mums that work full time probably because childcare would cost as much as reducing hours. I think you are right on mumsnet people don't tend to like sahm. I've nothing against it. If you can afford it great who wants to slog for 50 years of your life and then die. It's nice you will have time to spend with your parents aswell precious time my partner just lost his mother and my dad has dementia. If you can afford to not work definitely don't. Spending precious time is very important not just with your kids. Life is too short I understand if people can't afford it that's different but if you can think of it this way your not going to lay on your death bed wishing you worked more.

Tbh if the kids are in school/ nursery/ playschool, it's a cake walk.

While I have no doubt you do everything you mentioned you also have to admit there is different level of doing things. Like for example my mother was a sahm and to her laundry meant ironing things such as underwear, and socks, she was shocked to learn i did neither. Nor do I spend my time mending socks or any clothing unless it is expensive or sentimental

I was a sahm to 3 kids with special needs for years. It wasn’t easy I’ll grant you but I now work full time. Guess what the mental load is still there. I wfh so am still first port of call for all the children (now young adults). I’m still the go to parent.

The laundry needs doing, the meals need prepping, I’m still reminding them to get a shower. The only difference is I have to squeeze it all in when I’ve finished work.

the only thing that’s better is that I’m actually recognised for doing a job and my mental health. I don’t have the time to worry about some of the things I used to worry about. And I do feel that I’m doing something for me.

I certainly don’t lack respect for your choices but I don’t respect that what you do is harder than working full time AND doing everything you do. Organising the school run doesn’t take a huge amount of mental load even when you’re doing it with younger children. Even with 3 disabled kids organising appointments didn’t take up a great deal of time. Jeez, I went to the gym every day after school drop off!

Funny that the OP never came back...

I'm a lone parent, I work full time in a corporate role, and raise my son too. I can't get myself worked up thinking I'm 'better than' anyone because I'm not, we all choose what is right for our circumstances and families. If you want to be a SAHM, you do you!

However what I absolutely cannot stand is the condescending comments from ~ some ~ SAHMs. The ones who believe they're the only ones who cook/do laundry/clean/do school runs/make appointments and assume because you work, you wave a magic wand and that all gets done for you.

Def easier at home when they unwell. Hard asking for time off. Op I stayed home its nice but very thankless. I went back work when they older.

I’m fairly sure I’m going to spend my old age wishing I’d amassed a larger pension!

Just enjoy yourself and stop expecting validation.

A working parent does much of what you do on top of working. If they are earning enough they can outsource some jobs but unless they are super earners they are coming home in the evening cooking dinner, washing clothes, reading stories, making sure there is food for lunch tomorrow etc.

Now that is hard and relentless. Being a SAHM I would find a bit boring but I wouldn’t compare it to working motherhood

Yes I know, sorry I was being sarcastic.

I guess my point is that both working as a SAHM parent and being a sahm Mother involves considerable work. The difference is that you’re at work instead of working at home during the day.

I dont judge sahm. It's your life. I think its an easier option than working parents, who also don't clock off at 5pm either..more often the 2nd job as I call it starts...
Would I change it? No. I don't want to depend on someone else's income. I saw my mum do that. I also know if my husband walked out me and kids would be OK. Poorer financially but id keep the roof over our heads and dinner on the table. I'm not convinced by women who say..he'll have to pay xyz...sure...getting it is another matter.

Not undervalued but are you not bored to death?
You say you're busy all day but you CAN sit down with a coffee anytime you want.
Also working parents do all this as well as work ( I did it alone)

I hope you're married with house in joint names otherwise you're a lodger and free maid / nanny.

We are supposed to value people who iron socks? Because that smacks of someone trying to fill their time to prove how busy and valuable they are, when actually… other people manage the laundry plus a job.

Each to their own.

End of.

I’m not even going to read the thread as I find it so depressing and it caused me to be in a bit of a dark place tbh when I became a sahm (my older kid has additional needs too). I’m here to tell you that I completely agree. It’s out batshit sexist society that has just gone the other way. All dressed up in pretence care for us feeble, stupid women. It would be seen as better if we went to job a as a nursery worker and put our kids in that same nursery. Mumsnet doesn’t understand individual circumstances and nuance. I think the best way is to 1. Not care and 2. Find your people. I’m not going to be sitting on my deathbed depressed that I was a sahm. There is so much more to life than paid work. People lack imagination and compassion.

It's not "not liking" SAHMs. It's when they come on spouting bollocks about how much harder it is! Which it is not!

Newsflash - if you think being a working mum is so much easier, get your arse back to work!!!

The reward for being a working parent is your pay check, not being able to lord it over sahm. The reward for being a sahm is spending time with your kids , not acting hard done to. Everyone makes their own choices.

Genuinely curious about others' opinions.
Hmmm.
It doesn't always go well.
Personally, if I was a SAHM, I would be extremely depressed, or worse.
Sacrificing myself for a family never crossed my mind, in 45 years.

I think it's sad how many people think being at home is a bad thing. As far as I'm concerned there was nowhere else I wanted to be. I didn't want my children raised by someone else. I had a fantastic career but being with my children was much more important.

This is too sensible for a SAHM thread, not sure you're in the right place.

I think people are just very defensive and worried they’re being seen negatively and therefore need to prove that their job is harder and more important and they are therefore more wonderful parents.

I don't know how you came to that conclusion? It's totally illogical.

I am sorry that your child's needs removed the choice from you, and I doubt very much that anyone, anywhere judges you for that. You are where you need to be.

Paid work though is what enables us to enjoy the "so much more to life".

That's exactly what pp was saying though. Someone who irons socks clearly has time on their hands because it is completely unnecessary.

It’s faux feminism to hate on sahm. Women need to respect each other.