AIBU to think being a SAHM is undervalued and misunderstood?

[erereeee]

I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I’m a SAHM to two young children, and I can’t help but feel like society (and even some people on here) massively undervalue what we do. It’s as if staying home to raise my children makes me lazy or unambitious, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever did in an office.

From morning to night, I’m doing everything: cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, emotional labour, organising appointments, school runs, etc. The mental load is constant. Yet, because I’m “just” at home, people assume I sit around all day. Even my partner, who works full-time, makes the occasional offhand comment like, “Must be nice to chill at home,” which drives me up the wall.

I see posts on here about working mums and how they “do it all,” which is amazing, but can we acknowledge that being a SAHM is also a full-time job? I don’t clock out at 5pm. I don’t get annual leave. And honestly, if you added up the cost of hiring a nanny, cleaner, cook, and personal assistant, it would be way more than I’d ever earn in a 9-5.

Yet, when I meet new people, I always get that look when I say I’m a SAHM, like I’m somehow less intelligent or lacking ambition. Why is it so hard to just respect different choices?

Let’s keep it civil, but I’m genuinely curious to hear what others think.

Sorry @erereeee i am assuming that when you did an office job what you did was admin or something? I have an office job (director) and I know with certainty that staying at home is a tonne easier. Basically what you are talking about is the relentlessness of it all at home, which it is, but it’s a piece of piss in comparison to the stress I deal with at work. It’s valued by your family. It’s value at the moment is invisible socially. I do think it is valuable and my kids appreciate my presence when I am there but I know the 200k tax I pay per annum is more useful socially right now.

Look, it's not a difficult concept. Yes, we pay for the children to be kept safe, fed and looked after while we are in work.

But it's not the childminder who takes them to the doctor, takes them to the dentist, gets their eyes tested, arranges playdates and parties, takes them to activities, clothes them, dresses them, applies for their school places, makes sure they have a bath and clean their teeth, yada yada yada.

What a crock of shite.

@mainecooncatonahottinroof
You're embarrassing yourself here calling other people dopey when it is you who has misunderstood. The objected to claim is 'I do all you do and work full time' when you don't, you pay for childcare, which a SAHP doesn't.

I think you have to be content and happy with the choice you have made and then comments from
others won’t bother you. I loved being a SAHM, best thing I ever did, if anyone looked down on me that’s about them not me. I’m not interested in impressing other people. If you and your DP agreed together that you would be a SAHM then he shouldn’t be making comments about it, that’s unfair.

PS - I, a millenial, did have a SAHM for the whole of my childhood.

Do you want to know how much my unmarried mother got when her and my dad split up? How much she could negotiate after 37 years together?

She got half the sale of the family home. And because my dad had never switched it over from interest only, that wasn't much.

Anyway that's by the by really.

Partner? Not husband?

You'll be absolutely screwed if he leaves @erereeee - get married/civil partnership or get a job.

What a strange question. I started school at 4yrs 9months. Of course I remember stuff.

Things like 'helping' with washing and putting clothes through the mangle. Watch/Listen with Mother. Going for a walk in the woods or down to the shops - Mum didn't drive until later. Having stories read etc etc.

@Lavenderfarmcottage I do everything that needs doing when I get home.
They were fed and looked after at school and nursery when I was at work.

That's a very good point! I've not yet been a working parent, so I have no idea what it's like, same as most SAHPs. I'd love to be able to go back to work as a child-free person rather than a parent; would be a lot easier! 😂

I think if you’re managing to survive and run a house & raise children you’re winning.

At the end of the day we don’t know who is working harder.

A previous poster mentioned accolades for a Mum who taught her kids piano and languages. What about the Mum that does play dough with her kids and makes them laugh and feel loved & connected ?

What about the working Mum that makes her children feel like the centre of her universe when she gets home & ensures their future is secure & looks out for the bigger picture.

There are many ways to measure our value - not just in terms of piano lessons, time or what our services would be worth on the open market.

If at the end of the day you have the mental and emotional energy to make your child feel loved & likewise if you’re home all day - sustain this emotional energy 24/7 -
you’re winning.

Always!

In actual fact, WOHMs do both because we have 2 days a week at home, and that's when we see how much easier SAHMs have it!!

Most people who feel the need to take a pop at something generally are jealous and/or it has hit a nerve, you should remember that. A person happy with their choices is usually indifferent about someone else’s choices when it doesn’t have any effect on their own personal life.
I don’t care either way if someone is a Stay at home parent or working parent because I’m happy with my own choices.

I’m a single working. And a real lone parent; not one with help from their dad. He didnt have any contact at all for 5 years after leaving when my kids where 6 months old and the other 2 years old, and then he showed up and now takes them once a month. So I really did everything.

Full time work, paid two sets of nursery fees and then full time mum. No clocking off at 5, no annual leave, full mental load, all the house care, all the financial burden, all the parenting, all the school stuff, all the running around.

So, when I see a SAHM bleating on about how they have it just as hard and do just as much as everyone else… hmmm. I am sorry for it; I hate to be a judgey person and I want to believe you, but because of my own experience, I just cannot agree that you do just as much as everyone else or that you are hard done by.

... You chose to have kids.

I wouldn’t care, and don’t usually… until they start saying how hard they have it and how no one understands that they do just as much as a single working parent.

No one has annual leave from being a parent.
No one clocks off
So long as you are protected financially op eg married then crack on

I should think it’s obvious why society values working parents tbh. I worked part time while my children were small, used childcare or grandparents, kids didn’t notice (well probably got a good deal more attention and patience with the variety than they would have full time at home with one person). Now at work full time, dc are 8 and 11, I contribute c £40k per year in tax and NI let alone VAT from the things we can afford to spend on due to my earnings.

I’m curious why you think you should be valued outside of your family Op? SAHM should be valued in the home by their kids and partners if they have one.
Outside the home I’m not sure what we are supposed to be valuing.

Unlike a sahm who if they have a toddler running around all day, is going to be clearing up constantly.

The SAHMs you know clearly have MUCH higher standards than I do. 😂 I tidy up once a day- there's no point in doing it more often when you have a toddler!

** currently at home on Australia school holidays with 8 year old. He had too much tech time today and yesterday but have been bike riding, snorkelling & kayaking - some days are 1/10 and some are 9/10. I yelled in the car. My house is a mess & I am craving time to myself. I really do not care anymore what people think or how I’m valued by society. Life is complex and we aren’t cattle to be weighed, evaluated and judged for our production output. You have to do the best for your personality type and your child’s, your circumstances and resources. Other Mums will judge no matter what you so just suit yourself.

I just can’t be arsed with the constant moaning from SAHM’s. Why should I value you? I don’t care what anyone does outside of the people who live in my house.

Good for you OP if you have only ever had shit jobs that you didn’t have to work hard at. I am very sure that you now work much harder than emergency workers doing long shifts, anyone who is on their feet all day doing manual labour and those who work in high pressure industries. Of course you do and well done, there you go I will give you a wee pat on the back.

I remember those things too, but then my mum worked from home in the family business. If she hadn't I guess I would just have done those things after she finished work.

My kids also have good memories from when they were little, from mornings before school, in the evenings, weekends and holidays...

Everyone is different I’ve got a friend who’s sahm there’s not enough hours in the day never sit down . Soon as you see her you get the full run down of what she’s done and how much more busier she is than the rest of us

colleagues wife just gone back to work and needs to fill her day.

it’s not too trumps every one’s busy

With utmost respect, why do you think it requires recognition by the rest of society? What does it add outside your family? You chose to have children and look after them yourself, fine, what more do you want? I feel differently if it's a severely disabled child and it becomes a care and advocacy role but looking after your own kids and home? That's great, nothing further than that.

The post reminds me a bit of when I have previously recruited parents returning to work. I absolutely wouldn't penalise then for taking gaps (as long as they accounted for the time, perfectly fine to say raising the 2 bin lids and leave it at that). I felt l a bit put off by any guff about 'household project manager,' and suchlike or 'kitchen renovation project director '. It was bollocks. Happy to hear what they'd been up to but it was annoying when they tried to make it equivalent to a paid role with external accountability. It wasn't a deal-breaker as I know it was the shit advice at the time but it came across entitled and unaware on often a solid CV.

No one is the better than the other.
Stay at home, go to work or work part time none of it is really that important the only really important is the children we leave behind are decent human beings and if they go on to contribute something amazing to the word and make changes for the better that's just a bonus. There are many different ways to achieve the same thing.