Feel awful about MIL's passing but struggling with baby - AIBU?

[Charlottef94]

My MIL sadly passed away last week after a terminal illness. She and FIL live in a very very remote part of UK which takes around 12 hrs door to door from us. We were there a week ago luckily before she passed, with our 4 month old.

When she passed overnight last week I stayed as we had already postponed our babys vaccines by over a month due to all the travel over Christmas and up to see them, and they were due to have them that day. DH went up to FIL straight away - however I now feel that he is angry with me that we didnt go immediately and is being quite insensitive to me in having to make this huge journey now on my own as well as currently solo parenting our baby who is going through 4month sleep regression.

I have offered to go up asap, however with the funeral date tbc I would like us to stay up there, until the funeral rather than come back home and back up again. I just feel that it's so many extremely long journeys for our baby who was v unsettled last time we went up there, has just settled down at home again - this is why I wanted to give him a few extra days to get over his jabs and be at home before more upheaval. We have also only been married a year and I did feel that at such a raw time for FIL, having me there hanging around in the very beginning would feel intrusive on his grief as he is alone with DH at the moment.

I just feel my DH is not caring about us at all at the moment, he is barely speaking to me and keeps making sharp comments about how he wants me to get there asap as FIL is really keen to be surrounded by all the grandchildren, as if I am refusing to go. His SIL gets there today with baby. There is a turn in the weather this week meaning I am unlikely to be able to make it to where they live this week or could get stranded with our baby, but I feel DH will tell me we have to try and make the journey.

AIBU in feeling a bit upset myself? I know he has lost his mum but I am trying my best to hold everything together and stable here for our baby and I feel so alone and worried that I've been unreasonable in staying home for a bit longer given the circumstances.

I agree. “So sad about your mum” is something you would say to a friend. Not your DH about his mother.

It is your job at times like this to support your DH. It’s what husbands and wives DO.

Babies travel so well, that’s why you never hear them crying/screaming on planes, trains etc That’s why everyone is so happy to see the family with a baby sit next to you on a long haul flight!

We don't know what FIL's actions were. All we can do is read between the OP's lines. I find her a less reliable narrator than you seem to, and read accordingly. But none of us know.

This. All the horrible posts insisting that OP travels for the sake of her husband and FIL are discusting. I’m sure they can cope without her there for the sake of all this worry and stress.

The question, of course, is whether she's a less reliable narrator of what happened to her than you, an internet random who knows none of the people involved and has filled in some gaps. Do you think your imaginings are more accurate?

Quite so. OP should only be having to look after one baby, not three.

No, not at all. I'm just aware, from personal experience, of the kinds of misunderstandings that are possible in the situation that she finds herself in, and want them to be part of people's considerations alongside the apparent rush to pillory the FIL and his family that seems to have taken over large parts of this thread. And I really do wish, for everyone's sake, that the OP finds a way to get past the blocks that she seems to be feeling, and can allow herself to make the most of the opportunities that being connected to an island community can bring.

OK, so does that mean OPs account is more reliable than the explanations you've admitted you invented?

Personally, I don’t think her account of her understanding of her FIL’s actions sounds terribly likely to be correct, or fair. All I have done is suggest alternative ways to read his intentions that could be borne in mind as possibilities.

Yes, and the question was whether you think OPs account is more reliable than those alternatives you've made up due to not liking her views.

OP, I think you're being unreasonable, sorry. I relocated from the middle east to south america with two babies 3mo and 22mo when the pandemic was in full swing, as a single parent. Is it easy, no, but given the circumstances I don't think "I have a baby" is a reason not to go. It makes it sound like you don't really care about your MIL...

However, if you're the one travelling, then you're the one deciding on the transportation mode. I would fly, your DH doesn't get to dictate that you don't.

I don’t think it sounds reliable, no.

Not what you were asked.

I don’t think I understand your question (or what you hope to achieve with it).

@Redcandlescandal

why so callous? FIL has lost his wife, OP’s husband has lost his mum! Baby’s and mums of babies are not the only people who matter in this world!

4mths aren't even at the stage of you walking them around the room.

Update - it's not on for him to dictate the type of travel, but he's maybe not thinking

This. Be gentle and understanding, but he is your husband, not your boss. Take a plane.

You do get that OP didn’t use those words right?

It was a quick suggestion from another poster. I doubt she meant those words to be used as written.

If the baby’s mum and baby aren’t important than why are they needed there a month before the funeral in winter? Why can’t OP just go to the funeral?

Huh? I mean carrying them to calm them down, to be clear. Not holding their hand and running 3 legged races. Having done 5km according to my watch walking around overnight with 4 month old, they are definitely up to being walked around the room /up and down the plane.

" I relocated from the middle east to south america with two babies 3mo and 22mo when the pandemic was in full swing, as a single parent."
I hope Blue Peter had the decency to send you a badge.

While we were all arguing about ferries from Oban, potholed roads, formula and island baby sensory groups in the middle of the night last night, OP was probably trying to get her head down for a bit of much needed sleep. If she has indeed set forth today, she'll be in transit now.

"it's just eating away at me that I've done something wrong in not immediately going and instead being here."

OP you did absolutely the right thing by waiting for the vaccines then giving the baby and yourself time to regroup after the recent journey and time away from home before starting the next one. 100% the right thing.

Maybe the journey will go like clockwork and you will be welcomed with open arms, the rallying island community will make a Trump MAGA rally look half hearted, you will be taken into the bosom of the Scottish family, your child will inhale the fresh air and start sleeping beautifully, your grateful husband will fall into your arms and view you with fresh love and respect, your FIL will be a lovely kind charming grandad and the sun will shine on your country walks and you will be spotting seals, humpback whales and feckin' golden eagles by the score in island splendour.

But...if the journey is awful and the weather is shit, and the walks are shit and a bit scary, and you feel trapped and ignored and bored and tired, and your husband fecks off to his laptop and your FIL is obnoxious, and your baby is still a sleep regressing baby, and you just get treated like The Uterus From Off, the empty packaging that the shiny new baby came in or at best the plugin battery charger for the new toy then...

...it's not because you are a southern softie, a wet week, an arrogant culturally insensitive English cow, paranoid, a cold hearted bitch, non resilient, selfish, needy, feardy or a bad wife. You're none of those things.
You are a normal person, and a good mother, in a shit situation. Remember that.

Good luck town mouse OP from country mouse me.

Have you ever seen a baby?

I think most of us on this website have seen a baby, had a baby, fully got the t shirt!

4m olds are about as portable as they get.

Thanks @Babyboomtastic

I did my first 3 train journey with DS at 5weeks, and that was fairly regular until he was about 2.

There are people seeing problems on this thread that just don't exist.

Yes because it makes sense to assume that OP is a muddled girl child who can’t understand an interaction that she was a part of. Thank you so much for grandad explaining what we mere women could not grasp: she was too hysterical and stupid to recognize his good intentions.