To think she should drop the single parent label in these circumstances?

[Ynhj]

Before I say what I want to say it’s important that I make it really clear that I have huge respect for single parents. I can’t begin to imagine it all falling on you and nobody there to share the load. I’m not trying to minimise that here but I do feel with my sister it’s very different.

She works Monday to Thursday while her child is in nursery. She has Friday off with her child and then her ex collects on Saturday morning and spends the weekend doing what my sister says… if she wants to join then she does, if she wants to go out she does, if she wants to do zero parenting all weekend then that’s what happens. Anytime she needs her hair doing or nails or to meet a friend etc she can, whilst also having a full day a week with her toddler and enjoying the weeknights without the stress of being a SAHP. Her ex pays her loads and covers all the costs and more. She has openly admitted she uses the surplus half for their child’s savings and half for herself. In practice this means her food for the month or her hair and nails paid for.

In contrast I have two dc and don’t work. I have a very hands on dh but it’s rare I get two days of a weekend to do what I fancy. It does happen but it takes planning and certainly not every week! Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it, comparing herself to me when I am struggling with two and our situations are very different. AIBU to think she needs to stop talking about herself as a single parent? I think it’s insulting to actual single parents and to people like me who are struggling despite not being single because we don’t have the luxury of full weekends off parenting and nursery in the week!

😆 sorry I forgot this wasn’t a commonly used term. It’s something I pull out occasionally.

An example…

I’m not proud of it but was charged for swimming classes over the holidays and didn’t know they kept running after term so we missed. I told the admin lady I was a single parent and struggled to afford and it was a shame to miss. I was given makeup tokens.

I also asked a married friend to be my “husband” and talk me through a parenting dilemma as I was in my own head about it.

I feel like the stigma of being a single Mum far outweighs the “card” though. Plus not everyone sympathises - I’ve been told married Mums have another child in their husband, pressure to have sex when they’re tired & carry the mental load so it’s no easier. I’ve also been told by fifo (mining wife’s whose husbands work 1 week on and 1 week off etc) Mums their situation is similar.

There’s so many variables, how can you ever really know who has it harder. There’s so much about other people’s lives we never truly know even those close to us.

I actually think I didn’t mean to ask that question of you but I am so bloody glad you answered because that was an amazing response, thank you! Honesty, so much insight and I got a ln awful lot out of reading that. Thank you again.

How does she not have it “harder or even equal” to OP? Completely disagree on that - OP doesn’t work at all and has a supportive husband. In what world is that harder than being a single working parent?!

Eww why is she pocketing the child's money 🤢

🙄 she isn't. Maintenance payments go into the pot to run the house. Like many, income is greater than expenditure and so some is saved for the DC's future and some pays for luxuries.

"Single mother spends maintenance on getting her nails done" is such a misogynistic trope surely we know better.

Are you really that stupid, it goes into the house hold pot. You know for food, nursery fees and everything else that comes with having a child.

It doesn't say that, she's pocketing it for herself. Gross

Grow up

This. Two parents 24/7 should be easier than one parent, 🤷‍♀️

Nope I stand by it.

🙄

I’ve read this before I’m sure I have?

She is a single parent. She would be incorrect to call herself a lone parent but she is single. She is being unreasonable to complain to you or compare the two of you or give advice though as your circumstances are just different. If she starts, I'd just change the subject "Yeah, we have pretty different circumstances... anyway, do you fancy a coffee?" or whatever.

Please educate me then to what I was these last twenty odd years then? And no I am not married.

She isn't. You can think of it as the maintenance payments paying to house the child and pay the bills and the mother's income going into savings if you prefer.

It seems the ex has the DC one night a week, damn straight he should be paying maintenance. The mum works four days and the dad works too, we have no idea of their jobs or incomes - I don't know why you think there shouldn't be any spare cash.

Single parent doesn't mean the other parent has to be absent. Single parents who aren't lone parents generally will have more free time than parents in a relationship (especially for mums in a lot of set ups).

Why don't you get a job and put your kids in nursery? Nothing stopping you. Presumably staying at home and not working is not an option for her like it is for you.

You've made your life choices OP. Sounds like you somehow think that means your somehow better than your sister

An insult to single parents is you putting yourself in the same category as them

Too many posts are focusing on the shift work of parenting. OP's DSis does Mon - Fri then gets some "time off" at the weekend. Guess what? The parenting, mental load and grunt work of running a household as a SINGLE PERSON WITH DC (aka a Single Parent) exists both inside and outside of those hours.

Now try doing that with no DH/DP and none of the financial, practical, emotional, physical and every other type of support and security that a relationship or marriage brings.

Yes there are people trapped in bad marriages but for the most part and all things being equal, raising a child in a relationship with their dad as an intact family unit is a million times easier than not.

She is a single parent, she just has a good co-parenting situation set up.

If you're jealous, then change it. You're not forced to be a SAHM if you don't want.

I don’t consider myself a single parent as my ex contributes financially and takes our child 2-3 nights a week. I only consider parents raising a child fully alone with no support a single parent. Though at the end of the day it’s just a label.

What it is she's said to you about it that you've obviously felt so offended? I don't get seeing things in this weird competition of who has it harder, but I'm a SAHM and I see that as such a privilege, and I've never ever felt jealousy towards any of my friends who are single mothers.

If you have a hands on husband, you can get a break and take time for yourself anytime, you just need to ask him. I've never ever taken the entire weekend to myself since we had our children, because what we want and value is family time. Single Mums and their children dont get that. (The odd coffee with a friend or hair appointment sure but not a whole weekend off)

It's just really odd and sad to me that thinking not having your husband would be better. Your sister is doing 100% of the parenting more than 50% of the time, whereas married parents get to do 50% of the parenting 100% of the time, alongside the person you love. It's just not a competition but I definitely know which I'd choose!

I really don’t understand why you care what she is called or not .
You sound really jealous and it’s a shame. She’s your sister. No mention of your niece or nephew either . Thank god that the child has two parents that get along as it’s sad enough growing up without both parents in the house.

You being jealous of your sister doesn't make her not be a single parent.

She's a single parent because she has split from her ex and is running a household single handed.

The definition of single parent doesn't mandate that her life is shitty.

I think what you mean is AIBU to envy my single parent sister whose life is better than mine.

Of course she's a single parent, why quibble about it or be jealous? It sounds as if she is making a success of it, along with her ex ( who is also a single parent!)