To think she should drop the single parent label in these circumstances?

[Ynhj]

Before I say what I want to say it’s important that I make it really clear that I have huge respect for single parents. I can’t begin to imagine it all falling on you and nobody there to share the load. I’m not trying to minimise that here but I do feel with my sister it’s very different.

She works Monday to Thursday while her child is in nursery. She has Friday off with her child and then her ex collects on Saturday morning and spends the weekend doing what my sister says… if she wants to join then she does, if she wants to go out she does, if she wants to do zero parenting all weekend then that’s what happens. Anytime she needs her hair doing or nails or to meet a friend etc she can, whilst also having a full day a week with her toddler and enjoying the weeknights without the stress of being a SAHP. Her ex pays her loads and covers all the costs and more. She has openly admitted she uses the surplus half for their child’s savings and half for herself. In practice this means her food for the month or her hair and nails paid for.

In contrast I have two dc and don’t work. I have a very hands on dh but it’s rare I get two days of a weekend to do what I fancy. It does happen but it takes planning and certainly not every week! Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it, comparing herself to me when I am struggling with two and our situations are very different. AIBU to think she needs to stop talking about herself as a single parent? I think it’s insulting to actual single parents and to people like me who are struggling despite not being single because we don’t have the luxury of full weekends off parenting and nursery in the week!

It's not your sister's fault you are struggling. I'm a SAHM and if I want to get my hair done and meet a friend at the weekend, then that's what I do. Admittedly that was a lot harder when they were babies but the baby stage is a flash in the pan and is over too soon IMO 😪

Her life sounds brilliant and it's good for her DC to see their parents getting on so well. I am a bit jealous I have to admit.
She is still a single parent and I assume makes all the day to day decisions. If she was living with a partner it would be different but she's not.
Is it more because you feel she's criticizing your parenting? Because anyone would be annoyed at that. Just tell her to mind her own business or point out she has a lot of child free time which you do not.

She's made her choices and organised her set up to make the best of her situation. Have you done the same? I can't help but think of you were content you wouldn't really be interested in what she called herself. It simply wouldn't occur to you to question it. You might feel irritated but I don't think you should be looking to her for the reason.

I think you're underestimating the stress and juggle of getting the child ready and to nursery every morning and then racing off to work. The rush back to pick up, dinner, quality playtime, and bath and bedtime routine on your own after a full day at work. All the laundry and housework around this.

Because when my partner works away it's really hard! It's also hard having to do both nursery runs and often getting in slightly late, and having to worry about getting out on time. I have huge admiration for your sister (and any single parents) managing to juggle this. Sounds like she deserves her time off at the weekends!

I've just finished mat leave and two at home was easier (for me) as I could run to my own schedule. Get things done in the day. Potter about with them and have nice times meeting up with friends. I look at a couple of my friends working and parenting a lot of the week on their own and I'm in awe of them.

But Monday to Friday she is on her own. Working with a child is hardly the easy option. You say it like she’s got life easier than you, pop your kids to nursery and work four days!

The title of Single Parent isn't awarded on the basis of hardship. Your sister is a parent and she is single and not with her child's father anymore, so she is a single parent. And on her work days she has to get them both up and out to nursery and school, then hurry home at the end of the working day to collect him in time - I can assure you, that is the tricky part of being a single parent. As for the weekend, can't you be happy that she gets some time to herself?

She is a single parent.
She is not a lone parent.
It is not a competition.

Except she actually has her child 5 days a week solo- she is a single parent.

If you think her life is so much easier then put your children in nursery and go out to work like she does. You’ll quickly realise that it’s VERY difficult to balance that.

You can always get a job if you don't like looking after your kids full time?

It's just semantics right? I mean she is single and a parent. But @Ynhj does she use this term in a way to complain? Every weekday she's alone with her child so I think she's a single parent. I'm a sahm and I consider myself lucky so I wouldn't be jealous of your sister.

Single parenting isn't just about the actual time with the kids though.

She is single, she's running the house by herself, she's working and dealing with childcare, sick days etc.

You have the support to be a SAHM, you have someone coming back in the evenings etc.

Stop comparing the incomparable.

Why isn't your "D"H looking after the kids on the weekends to give you the days off? Surely tat would solve your percieved grievance?

I would define a single parent as someone who doesn’t have the other parent living at home (or a live in partner, new husband) but you have the children for the majority of the time.

If she is single, and a parent. Then she is a single parent. Most single parents I know do sgare the parenting with their ex and have a lot more time to themselves than me for example as they have say, every other weekends or half the school holidays without their child. In your sisters case, she has money and a job which makes it easier for her to spend that time in things she likes doing, but she is still in effect a single parent.

I'm not a single parent. But imagine a lot of what she is talking about is about the weekday drudge -
Being the only one to do all pick ups and drop offs, rather than sharing them

Not being able to take it in turns staying up in the night when your kid is ill

Not being able to pop out for an hour anywhere in the week without a child in tow. Forgotten the milk, you have to take a child. Child has been a tantrumming nightmare all day, can't pop out for a 10 minute break

Arranging all appointments- doctors, dentists, health visitors checks, eye checks etc

Organising everything - birthday parties, playdates, activity groups etc

In my relationship all that is shared and I find weeks when my husband isn't there, really hectic

Sounds like you're resentful about your own set-up. Comparison is the thief of joy. I've been a single parent after divorce twice now and even with an involved co-parent it is bloody hard work and not remotely comparable to having a partner who lives with you sharing the parenting.

Perhaps you could consider getting a job and using childcare to ease the financial and parenting stresses in your own life?

I'm pretty sure you posted a similar thread a few months ago berating your sister for how easy she has it. Single parenting is hard. There is no one there if your child gets sick in the middle of the night, no sounding board to float decisions by, you have the responsibility of being the sole financial provider for your household. You have no one to come home to after work when you just need a hug and a chat. When your kids go to bed, you're largely alone in silent, lonely house. It's really fucking hard.

Also I think there isn't really an established term for parent who isn't with their ex but they co parent together. You're coming at it from the pov of whether she has parenting help (eg sole parent) but the term single parent refers to whether she has a romantic partner, not a co parent

She is a single parent that was sensible enough to have a child with a rich generous involved baby daddy 😁👏🏿. Good for her. I wish I had been as sensible as she was.

Best solution is to find a way to get a good job, maybe retrain?.

This.

Ridiculous.

There are all kinds of set ups for parents, working, sahp, rich, poor, single, married, cohabiting, living apart together, dating someone, having a live-in stepparent, finically controlling other half, disparity in income not shared, longer working hours, more stress, one parent doing more housework or the mental load despite working full time etc.

Do you think you get to decide and rank which of those is deserving of understanding and sympathy when they’re having a rough week?

I‘be been in most of the scenarios above and they’re all hard in different ways. Being married with a shit husband was was worse than being a ‘single’ parent with rich boyfriend who didn’t live here!

Any definition of single or lone parents means nothing without the context of whether they work, whether they earn well, whether they get family support from the child’s father or family, what their health and mental health look like, what their financial situation is etc.

Comparison is the thief of joy so until you’ve walked a mile in her shoes just be grateful you have a nice life with your H and DCs (and if you don’t, change that, don’t berate her for having sorted her life out!)

Also your sister may find her circumstances change quite substantially once her ex gets a new serious partner, so she should make the most of it while she can

Wow, who needs enemies when she has a sister like you? No matter what the circumstances are at the weekends, she is technically a single parent.

Why on earth does it bother you so much to make an issue out of it? The after nursery tea times and morning rush to get out of the house must be hard enough on her own, as must all the mental load, appointments, sleepless nights when child is sick etc.

Of course she’s a single parent she is not part of a couple with her toddlers father. She is responsible for her child and building savings for her (for example) and looking out for her future shows this she feels that it’s her job alone despite her child’s father having the resources to do that. She must pay the hefty nursery fees and all household expenses. To be honest if you would like your hair and nails done and some free time you should work these things into your life. I’ve been a single parent and you’re just seeing the bits you want not the responsibilities that fall on just her having no one to share sickness bugs or to make a fuss at first steps. Your in a privileged position to be a stay at home mum it’s also not an easy job but you could change it if you want your just seeming put out that her life looks nice on the outside.

I think it’s a bit more than just being single and a parent. When I became a single mother I certainly didn’t see my ex as a single father and I doubt he would ever have described himself as that. He does play a part in their lives (albeit fairly small) but he has never been there for parents evenings, sports days, sickness etc. He’s never had to meal plan or wash their laundry. So on a literal level he was a single parent but on a more nuanced level he never did any of the grind (I guess you’d call him a Disney dad).