To think she should drop the single parent label in these circumstances?

[Ynhj]

Before I say what I want to say it’s important that I make it really clear that I have huge respect for single parents. I can’t begin to imagine it all falling on you and nobody there to share the load. I’m not trying to minimise that here but I do feel with my sister it’s very different.

She works Monday to Thursday while her child is in nursery. She has Friday off with her child and then her ex collects on Saturday morning and spends the weekend doing what my sister says… if she wants to join then she does, if she wants to go out she does, if she wants to do zero parenting all weekend then that’s what happens. Anytime she needs her hair doing or nails or to meet a friend etc she can, whilst also having a full day a week with her toddler and enjoying the weeknights without the stress of being a SAHP. Her ex pays her loads and covers all the costs and more. She has openly admitted she uses the surplus half for their child’s savings and half for herself. In practice this means her food for the month or her hair and nails paid for.

In contrast I have two dc and don’t work. I have a very hands on dh but it’s rare I get two days of a weekend to do what I fancy. It does happen but it takes planning and certainly not every week! Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it, comparing herself to me when I am struggling with two and our situations are very different. AIBU to think she needs to stop talking about herself as a single parent? I think it’s insulting to actual single parents and to people like me who are struggling despite not being single because we don’t have the luxury of full weekends off parenting and nursery in the week!

A single parent is a factual statement that people get wrong.

Single parent does NOT mean the parent has to be single (they can date and have relationships where their 'relationships' do not involve in the kids lives or take on a parental role which is what most do to protect their children).

Single parent does NOT mean the child doesn't have 2 parents or cannot have a relationship with both their parents (just that they are not together and they live with one and visit/see the other, children deserve amicable relationship with both parents if there no abuse).

Single parent does NOT mean they have to be SAHP.

Single parent does not NOT mean they can't have any help (child care, the dad being involved with the kid, help from family etc...).

Single parent does NOT mean 'must struggle more than me as a married person' or 'must struggle more than I do with my kids' (some married people are in abusive relationships, some single people fled them, many single people have one child while many married have multiple, people in all situations may have challenges that make parenting harder like maybe Colic or ASD etc... being married doesn't mean you deserve it easier somehow and she should have it harder).

A single parent is simply the parent of a child where the relationship with the other parent has fractured and they are the primary parent. It doesn't mean they need to be a Martyr who has to sacrifice all and struggle unnecessarily.

Are you suggesting being a working parent is easier than being a stay at home parent? That’s almost laughable.

Haven’t RTFH but this poster sounds loads like the one that complained about her mum or parents helping her sister more and it wasn’t fair because she had it harder than her single parent sister. If it’s the same poster they got their arse handed to them.

I’m a working single parent and my child’s father has him for one night a week. I might have one night a week where he isn’t physically in the house with me but I’m still responsible for every aspect of parenting him including managing the finances, buying his clothes, sorting doctors appointments, school admin, homework, booking wraparound care, organising transport etc. It’s hardly “co-parenting”!

Oh yes 🤦🏾‍♀️. It's beyond ridiculous.

So no one likes the LABEL Single parent, seems to be the gist of this.

Society is nasty about single women brining up children, when really they should be castigating the fathers, who have little to do with their children in lots of cases, or if they do, it’s not enough really.

Single parent has always been levied at women, it’s just used as a slur.

Those of us with sense, know that it’s really difficult parenting the majority of the time alone, as we know this is more the case than not.

You are utterly clueless.

'Single parent' is not really a legal term. Your sister can use it to describe her own situation if she thinks it appropriate.

I always thought single parent meant you are doing it alone, no money from the father and no contact with the father. My friends who are divorced with CMS and access describe themselves as co-parenting .

If you think it's easier to be a working parent with a child at nursery then I suggest you get a job. Easy solution.

Also going against the grain not all single parents are equal. Some single parents do a brilliant job and do have a hard time.

My DSIS threw her partner out two weeks before my eldest was due effectively making herself a single parent. She was lucky if she had DN on her own for a couple of hours a day unless she was in bed. Between her ex partner, ex grandparents but mainly my DM. DSIS always had time to herself and had time out from parenting.

As DM did so much for DN and DSiS this meant I/we got no help, support or time from my DM whatsoever.

If I visited DM, DN (who was a big toddler and was always jumping around and DM couldn’t even hold either of my two without DN kicking off. So whether DSIS was at work (part time), tidying her house up, at the hairdressers, shopping or meeting a friend or she was visiting and drinking coffee at DM’s while DM was in charge etc). DN was also forever having sleepovers at DM’s and DM’s spare bedroom was referred to as DN’s room to my DC!?! My in laws lived over 3 hours away and DH worked very long hours so I was more frazzled and fraught as when DH got home after 12 hour days he was shattered and I had a meal ready and on a weekend he wanted us to do something as a family (with me as party leader, party organiser).

Meanwhile my DSIS was seen swanning about in town getting her hair done, seeing friends on her own, or having time off to tidy up, go to the doctors, time to get herself ready for work, having some time to herself etc whilst moaning that she was a single parent and how hard it was.

My DM wouldn’t even baby sit for us to have a night out on our birthdays, didn’t do any childcare when I worked part time. My house was a mess as I struggled to keep on top of it. I even had to go for a smear and the dentist etc with two kids in a double buggy (as DM was always busy with DN so any requests from us were always refused.

☝🏾

Think of all the jobs/decisions/planning that happen in your household. A single parent has to do every single one of them regardless of whether they "get the weekend off". There is no one to hand off any of the tasks to.

It's not a race to the bottom!

I'm a single parent and I have my kids 80% of the time, my life is easier in a way than my friend who has her kids 100% of the time. But in some ways her life is easier because her ex pays a large amount of maintenance and I don't get any. Doesn't mean I'm less of a single parent than she is.

I can't believe you said she can enjoy her weeknights 🤣 my weeknights after work are anything but enjoyable.

You sound very resentful but if you want to make a change in your own life then do it, it really has nothing to do with your sister.

Eh

Life isn't a competition.

If you feel like you would benefit from working so you can enjoy evenings with your child more, then make plans to work.

If you feel like you need a child free day on a regular basis, speak to your partner about how you need a break or look into a paid childcare option to give you both a break.

OP you could become a single parent and do the same.

So you think she’s got an easy life ? Doing all the admin for a house. Putting the dustbins in and out. Getting the car fixed if she has one. Dealing on her own with her child at night , going to work etc etc . You have a go if you think it’s an easy job 🙄

But she is a single parent? You sound green eyed!

There's the difference between being a single parent, and a lone parent.

A single parent = a parent who is single

A lone parent = a parent doing it all themselves with no co parent or partner in the picture

How hard the single or lone parents' lives are might depend on finances, wider family support, co parenting relationship, etc.

Not all are equal at all. Within single-parenting there will be lone parents, co-parents and a variety of other arrangements.

Your sister sounds supported, but the lack of support you get is down to your parents. It is up to them to decide they will help you, and set aside the time to do so. If they wanted to help you they would set boundaries for your sister around when they can have your children/her children/all the children.
Unless of course she bullies them into having hers and not yours.

Jeezo. Jealous much?

If you want time to yourself tell your husband that's what you need. Put your kids in childcare (assuming they're not school age?) and have time to yourself during the week.

No thats not the case. I was a single parent (kids grown now). Their dad lived abroad for a lot of it but sent money every month and saw them a couple of times a year. I raised the children 24/7, how did that not make me a single parent? I would deeply resent anyone insinuating we were co-parenting. Me doing 99.9% and him doing the remaining .1% does not a co-parent make.

I'm not a single parent but when you put it like that single parent doesn't really make sense does it? Your child's father would also call himself a single parent but like you, isn't. I think the term "single mother" is an archaic term originally used to describe a mother with a child has nc with the father. That's doesn't work anymore as lots of people co-parent and many men have half custody with some having full. Unfortunately if we start labelling those parents without contact with the other parent single pila, it's quite stigmatising. Lone parent sounds dreadful. Sorry, I think I have derailed the thread!