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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should drop the single parent label in these circumstances?

254 replies

Ynhj · 21/01/2025 10:27

Before I say what I want to say it’s important that I make it really clear that I have huge respect for single parents. I can’t begin to imagine it all falling on you and nobody there to share the load. I’m not trying to minimise that here but I do feel with my sister it’s very different.

She works Monday to Thursday while her child is in nursery. She has Friday off with her child and then her ex collects on Saturday morning and spends the weekend doing what my sister says… if she wants to join then she does, if she wants to go out she does, if she wants to do zero parenting all weekend then that’s what happens. Anytime she needs her hair doing or nails or to meet a friend etc she can, whilst also having a full day a week with her toddler and enjoying the weeknights without the stress of being a SAHP. Her ex pays her loads and covers all the costs and more. She has openly admitted she uses the surplus half for their child’s savings and half for herself. In practice this means her food for the month or her hair and nails paid for.

In contrast I have two dc and don’t work. I have a very hands on dh but it’s rare I get two days of a weekend to do what I fancy. It does happen but it takes planning and certainly not every week! Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it, comparing herself to me when I am struggling with two and our situations are very different. AIBU to think she needs to stop talking about herself as a single parent? I think it’s insulting to actual single parents and to people like me who are struggling despite not being single because we don’t have the luxury of full weekends off parenting and nursery in the week!

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 21/01/2025 11:20

You sound jealous.
be a single parent like her…

Em1ly2023 · 21/01/2025 11:23

Ynhj · 21/01/2025 10:27

Before I say what I want to say it’s important that I make it really clear that I have huge respect for single parents. I can’t begin to imagine it all falling on you and nobody there to share the load. I’m not trying to minimise that here but I do feel with my sister it’s very different.

She works Monday to Thursday while her child is in nursery. She has Friday off with her child and then her ex collects on Saturday morning and spends the weekend doing what my sister says… if she wants to join then she does, if she wants to go out she does, if she wants to do zero parenting all weekend then that’s what happens. Anytime she needs her hair doing or nails or to meet a friend etc she can, whilst also having a full day a week with her toddler and enjoying the weeknights without the stress of being a SAHP. Her ex pays her loads and covers all the costs and more. She has openly admitted she uses the surplus half for their child’s savings and half for herself. In practice this means her food for the month or her hair and nails paid for.

In contrast I have two dc and don’t work. I have a very hands on dh but it’s rare I get two days of a weekend to do what I fancy. It does happen but it takes planning and certainly not every week! Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it, comparing herself to me when I am struggling with two and our situations are very different. AIBU to think she needs to stop talking about herself as a single parent? I think it’s insulting to actual single parents and to people like me who are struggling despite not being single because we don’t have the luxury of full weekends off parenting and nursery in the week!

Why the resentment that she treats herself occasionally, why should she not enjoy these things? 😒

Heatwavenotify · 21/01/2025 11:25

Well if the jealousy gets too much, leave your husband. Then he can look after the kids at the weekend and you can go through life telling everyone you’re not a single parent.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 21/01/2025 11:25

enjoying the weeknights without the stress of being a SAHP

What? I don’t think weeknights are any more enjoyable if you work or are a stay at home parent. Being a working parent is stressful, too!

Stressedoutmum6274 · 21/01/2025 11:25

I do sometimes find it insulting as a single mother. I get zero support. When people use the term they are or feel like a single mum, try living in someones shoes who has no support whatsoever. Both my kids dads ran during my pregnancies. Iv never felt so unloved, unwanted and unsupported. Also my kids have suffered as a result. Parenting is tough, but parenting as an actual single person, alone is nothing that you could imagine. Its terrible.

Marianus · 21/01/2025 11:27

So what you are saying is that some of her lifestyle is being funded by her ex and 100% of your lifestyle is funded by your dh.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 21/01/2025 11:27

So if you don't have it sufficiently hard to qualify for the title single parent, what are you supposed to call yourself?

iwillfghhjjj · 21/01/2025 11:27

So Monday-Friday she solo parents then gets Saturday/Sunday off

And you have your kids solo during your partners working hours and 50/50 evenings and weekends and can take time if you choose to.

You don't say if your kids are in school or not if they are you definitely get more free time than her. And if they're not they will be in a few years.

But 5 days solo parenting is 120 hours plus the Saturday morning and Sunday evening so so say she does 135 hour aweek but is working/commuting 50 so 85 a week solo. And you have your kids solo 50 hours a week and the remaining 118 are shared with your dh . It's really not that different and if your kids are in school she's definitely doing more. But it's not actually a competition.

Either way even if she's gain a few hours more free time than you why do you begrudge her? Are you unhappy with your set up?

BiancasSilverCoat · 21/01/2025 11:29

Why don't you like your sister?

Fwiw she's a single parent who's managed to get a set-up that you think works better than your set-up works for you. Whatever she calls herself, the issue here is that your set-up isn't making you happy. Focus on changing that, not on what your sister's up to.

sammyspoon · 21/01/2025 11:30

This is just semantics. She's a single parent but not a solo parent.

Tootiredforthis23 · 21/01/2025 11:32

I was a SAHM with 2 under 2, an older one in school and a DH working long hours. Yes it was tough at times, but I never would have compared myself to my cousin who was a single mom. I had someone at home to moan to and someone who could help pitch in with household tasks or occupy the kids so I could get stuff done. She didn’t. Your sister works nearly full-time, even though her kids in nursery she still has to do all that shit, there’s no one there to help her.

Mollysay · 21/01/2025 11:32

Of course she is a single parent, if she was claiming to be a sole parent then sure, but she isn't. You just sound jealous and bitter, it's not her fault you're unhappy with your life.

Namechangean · 21/01/2025 11:35

Have you posted before because your sister wanted your parents to babysit and you felt it unfair that you didn’t get the same support?

You are a stay at home parent. You’ve made this choice. You need to stop being so jealous of your sister. If you need a break, get your husband to give you some time. Or go back to work.

FOJN · 21/01/2025 11:36

Your sister sounds very smart and unapologetic about not martyring herself to single parenthood. Good for her.

Her child has good contact with both parents, no one is living in poverty, she is maintaining her career and has time for herself. I imagine it does require a degree of planning to make everyone a winner in this situation.

She doesn't stop being a single parent because you think your life is harder.

TallulahBetty · 21/01/2025 11:36

She is a single parent, yes. As is the father of the child. If she had no support from the other parent, I'd consider her a lone parent.

Either way, you sound hard work. You realise that her kid is in nursery SO THAT SHE CAN WORK, yes?

denhaag · 21/01/2025 11:36

She is a single parent.

You say "Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it"

Do you mean she is complaining about how hard being a single parent is?
Does she say "well you don't understand because you're not a single parent"?

If so then yes, she needs to button it because it sounds like she has worked out a way to co-parent which suits her very well.

If she desperately wants to win the race to the bottom then just let her. It won't change your own life.

Peanutssuck · 21/01/2025 11:37

LadyLucyWells · 21/01/2025 10:36

I'm separated from my exH, he has the dc half the time so I have never considered myself a single parent. So yes, I agree with you. I think if the children's father is very involved in the co-parenting, the mum isn't a single parent. They might be single, and a parent but they are not parenting solo.

Going against the majority of posters I know, but I agree with OP and this post. I became a widow when my DC were still in primary. I did everything on my own until they flew the nest. My circumstances back then were, single parent. End of. Emphasis on the single, because that's what I was. There wasn't an ex DH to pick up the kids EOW, or to provide me with maintenance.

MidnightPatrol · 21/01/2025 11:38

YABU but the most ridiculous criticism is that the child is at nursery, which for some reason impacts if she’s a single parent.

Christmassoxs · 21/01/2025 11:39

Your dsis has her life sorted as a lone parent and good for her.
I was sahm to 6 dc and a single parent for several years, you get on with it because you have to. I'm not a martyr but found ways to cope because I had to.
It was exhausting but I got there and remarried when the eldest was 11.

Comedycook · 21/01/2025 11:41

Technically she's a single parent....the thing is everyone's circumstances are different so single parents don't necessarily have it tougher.

I know a woman who is a single parent but has 50/50 custody and lots of family support. She has regular childfree holidays and nights out. She does far less active parenting than sahm who is married to a man who works long hours who has no family support.

brunettemic · 21/01/2025 11:41

Why do you even care? You just sound like some combination of ridiculous/petty/jealous.

denhaag · 21/01/2025 11:42

LadyLucyWells · 21/01/2025 10:36

I'm separated from my exH, he has the dc half the time so I have never considered myself a single parent. So yes, I agree with you. I think if the children's father is very involved in the co-parenting, the mum isn't a single parent. They might be single, and a parent but they are not parenting solo.

What do you consider yourself as?
If someone asks if you are a single parent, what do you say?

Lone parent is the common term for a parent who is doing it entirely on their own.

Choccyscofffy · 21/01/2025 11:42

Despite this my sister is constantly on about being a single parent and how she has found ways to manage it, comparing herself to me when I am struggling with two and our situations are very different. AIBU to think she needs to stop talking about herself as a single parent?

I was all set to vote that you are BU, but actually YANBU, because NO ONE should be going on about it and comparing themselves to you.

How often you see her? Presumably you’ve asked her to stop and she doesn’t? Every time she starts, just get up and walk away. If it’s at her house, walk out of the house. If it’s your parents house, go to a different room.

I had a similar aunt, it only stopped when I did the above.

phoenixbiscuits · 21/01/2025 11:42

ForRealCat · 21/01/2025 10:41

On a dating app I don't want to meet anyone with kids. If I say "no single parents" meet someone, and then they drop the bombshell on me they have kids I'd be furious. If they then justified it by saying they "co-parent their children so aren't a single parent" everyone would think they were completely batshit, because the very definition of single parent is someone who is a parent but isn't in a relationship!!

Why not just "no people with children"

Tbh I'm a single parent and I wish more people would make it clear. I'm not about to advertise my kid to strangers, nor do I wish to waste my and their time if it's a deal-breaker.

PLHJ84 · 21/01/2025 11:42

She is a parent as are you but she is not in a relationship and is single hence she is a single parent 🙄 imagine being jealous of your sister & her situation. You are a sahp - if your husband doesn’t work the weekend then you take a “day off” then but sadly for most parents of young children days off aren’t a thing and it’s relentless but its part of having children.

if your husband works 7 days a week then neither of you get a day off but you either suck up the majority of your time is with your kids or you get a job and use nursery like your sister does or you and your DH both work part time.